I really struggle with a pervasive feeling of boredom/emptiness - lack of enthusiasm for anything, fatigue, and general apathy towards whatever I am doing.
My life is good, compared with some people:
-Two fantastic kids
-My own home
-Reasonably good health
But I constantly feel bored/empty. I don't have any hobbies (with the exception of reading), or interests. I have tried to get into all sorts of things but the enthusiasm just isn't there. I've tried jogging, cycling, nature photography, writing, yoga, meditation, walking, and golf. All these things were ok when I started but never lasted more than a few months before I stopped doing them because I just couldn't be bothered.
I have friends but can't be bothered to keep in touch, which makes me feel lonely as I don't hear from them very often. Facebook leaves me feeling miserable as I see people getting on with their lives and I cannot relate to them as I have no interests or hobbies.
I can't focus on tasks at work. No matter how much or how little I have to do I always find myself just mentally wandering off after half an hour or so.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a few years ago, and went to CBT sessions to manage my symptoms. I had very low self-esteem and self-worth stemming from childhood and it led me to be very needy, and insecure. I felt great coming out of the therapy after a few months, but now I just feel flat.
I find myself constantly trying to "change" things to make life more interesting but I do the wrong things. I buy a new coffee mug, or backpack, use a different web browser, get a new email account. Stupid little things that make no difference really to the way I feel but I become obsessed about them. I can spend a whole day researching new bags, then go out of my way to get a new one. Then after a few weeks I decide I didn't want it and throw it away. It almost feels like binge eating, and then throwing up afterwards, except I do it with "things".
I struggle to find the energy or the motivation to play with my kids, which makes me feel like a terrible parent. I'll take them out for day trips etc., but when it comes to just sitting down and playing I will always make an excuse - work, cleaning, etc.....
I have tried to get interested in things, such as sports, current affairs, politics, science, but it just doesn't work. I cannot "force" myself to be interested in these things.
So I end up feeling lost in my own life. I don't know what I want to do, I try and find an identity in the things I own, and I feel lonely all the time, but don't want to speak to people.
I'm on antidepressants and have been for ages now. They work, and I can tell if I have missed a day or two. My anxiety is certainly much better - I don't get anywhere near as worked up over things as possible, and I don’t spend hours thinking about things any more. But now my brain just feels dead.
It is also mentally exhausting trying to articulate these feelings. That's why I’ve tried to write this down, so that I can try and explain and explore how I feel.
I WANT a passion, an interest, a "raison d'etre", but there is nothing there. I feel like a have been at the back of a very long queue, and now I've got to the front the shop is empty. What do I do?
I love my fiancée, and I love my kids. I don't love my job, but that's not unusual.
I do feel trapped however by the fact that I have to look after my kids while my F goes to work. She has the more demanding job and my boss is quite flexible so I am able to work from home and look after the kids after school. But there is no freedom for me to do anything on my own. I am either at work, or at home but can't do anything on my own. When the kids go to bed I tend to either watch porn for hours, or sleep, before getting up in time for my F to come home about 10pm from work.
The only thing I regularly do is read and I enjoy it, but I don't want to do it all the time.
I've recently joined Slimming World to lose weight as I was massively overweight so much so that my F didn't fancy me anymore and we had stopped having sex. That made me feels so low and worthless. But I am steadily losing weight and that is great, so I am hoping that with renewed energy and vigour I will be able to start taking and interesting and enjoyment in things. But I wonder if it runs deeper than that.
I know that I am looking for fulfilment in the wrong places – my phone, facebook, twitter, “things” (cups, bags, wallets, phone cases, web browsers, etc….) but I don’t know where else to channel my energies. And the one place I know I need to make the effort, playing with my kids, I find really hard to do. Each time I say to myself, “right, I will play with them today”, when the time comes I really cannot be bothered.
Is it depression? Laziness? Genuine lack of "that thing that I want to do"? I really don't know. But it's there. All the time. A big emptiness that surrounds me, and I can't see the way out.
I know I am not alone in feeling this way. I have read many people’s experiences online and I can identify with them a lot. So I guess I want to put my feelings out there somewhere. Maybe to help someone else feel that they are not “alone” in feeling this way, but maybe, so that I will have some kind of “belonging” by sharing this with people. Who knows?