Reason to get up

Hi I'm new on here and I'm a 49 year old man living in Scotland , ive been struggling with low mood and emotional problems for a number of years for which has stemmed back to my childhood . My job as a bus driver was getting me down and the feeling of not being able to connect with people on a emotional level which has ruined many of my relationships... It got to the level that I was self harming in the mornings and evenings the pain felt good and took me away from all my feelings of life . For some time I just wanted to die as I couldn't see my life improving and the thought of leaving my 14 year old daughter stopped me , so she has been my safety blanket . I finally got the courage to see my local doctor and luckily enough she was new and had the time to sit with me and listen and even went pass our 10 minute slot , the doctor signed me off work which was a great help and referred me to see a psychiatrist , I got an appointment within a week and having to talk to stranger about my inner feelings was hard and good in a way ....He said I had Anxiety / Depression and prescribed me with Fluoxetine and I'm to have afew sessions with a CPN , its been 7 weeks now and ive seen my CPN several times plus my doctor . The self harming is under control for now and the medication has kicked in making me abit more alert but very tired ....Not sure wot the outcome will be as my problems stem back to childhood and something happen to me but may never find out , It would be nice to be able to face life with a smile ...I'm aware people out there have real serious Depression and Anxiety but I just wanted to share my story and for the great help I have received in the last 2 months thankyou .

[AnaBluebell]

Hi first of all I would like to say that it was very brave of you to ask for help, you should give yourself a pat on the back for taking action.

Depression is always serious no matter if your problems are new or have roots in the past. Not a long time ago I read a book called "depression the illness of the strong" and it made me reflect that in reality, the people who suffer from depression are those whose life journeys have been paved with challenge after challenge.

It took me a good 2 years to admit that I needed help, I tried every strategy, read everything I could put my hands on on the subject. Then one day when I got to the point that people would ask me how I felt and I would just burst into tears, I went to my GP and started taking citalopram. I was amazed how quickly it kicked in, I felt a person again, I could get out enjoy the sun, could talk to people without an emotional melt down and most of all I could concentrate my attention, which was something that it was almost impossible before.

I took citalopram for about 6 months, during that time I attended one 4 week course for low mood and depression and a 1 day workshop about mindfulness, I think it helps not only because both courses give you tools to face low mood but also because you realise that depression can happen to everyone, on my group of 25 you would find from the 20 years old to the 75 from the stay at home mum to the highly qualified professional.

What I have learned is that it is important to ask for help but also do our home work, learn about the different ways we can help ourselves, talk to other people who have been there, make informed decisions, we are so blessed to live in a era where I formation is at the distance of a click, if your medication is not working for you discuss it with your GP, each of us is different and react differently to certain drugs, take your power back.

I have my own past stuff, but after years and years of brewing it and learning that I could not change the past but I could change the present and by acting on my present I was building a better future.

Probably the fact that I am going to be 50 in a couple of weeks has some impact as I decided that I am not going to drag anymore past stuff and I am going to live fully now, enjoy every second of the present moment and be a colector of happy moments.

I bought myself a diary where I write all the little blessings, acts of kindness, beauty, instead of waiting to be happy I collect micro moments of happiness. The cumpliment from a friend, a hug from my daughter, the birds singing outside, a smile from a stranger, the smell of cake just coming out from the oven, there are so many opportunities to feel good and grateful and we don't even need to go very far.

I hope my very long post has helped you or at least gave you a bit of hope that the D shall pass.

Wishing you all the best

Take care,

Ana

[Hidden in reply to AnaBluebell]

Hi Ana , Thankyou for your reply it was good to read your story and also brave , I had second thoughts about sharing my story and glad I did . I think its good that someone else understands wot your going through its ok for friends/family and work pals to say they understand and your get better but to talk to another person with depression really helps and that you don't think your going mad !!!.....I'm due another visit to my doctor/CPN so I may discuss my medication as its making me tired....I like the way you have sorted your way of thinking and that life can be fun again . Thanks again