No hope left 😪

[Birdwithnoname]

Depressed post sorry. It just didn’t happen for us and we tried everything. I’m 37. We’ve had 3 cycles, with 4 transfers and 7 embryos. We’ve had icsi, picsi, pimsi , scratch, fresh endometrium after hysteroscope, steroids and aspirin, all the best supplements and followed the ‘it starts with the egg’ book and took DHEA. All transfers went well, had hormones monitored to check progesterone high enough post transfer, and nothing seemed to have gone wrong. However private clinic have said “it appears your oocytes (eggs) don’t have the capacity to implant.” My hormones are ok - low FSh and AMH ok and not changed in 3 years. I know I’m old. Perhaps my oocytes never had the capacity to implant or perhaps I left it too late. Every time it fails I feel like someone is trying to tell me something and that it’s pointless trying again. Why go through it again just be heartbroken? I know some people try many many times before success but the longer it goes on the older I get....

my partner is now going through the depression of failure and grieving for what could have been, and that’s hard, after he has always had so much hope.

I can feel the empty nest syndrome creeping on, and I keep having visions of us rattling around in a house built for a family with just the 2 of us there. Getting old and having no kiddies to come and visit and meaningless christmases.

He keeps telling me how young and attractive I look to him which I should be greatful for, but what’s the point in a body that has no purpose?? I don’t want sex because it also seems pointless as it’s not going to make a baby. That is so stupid I know. (I know there is no hope of it happening naturally because partner has antisperm antibodies)

I don’t want to go out and make the effort. Nothing seems to have any meaning.

[Wishingfortheday]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this and experience so much pain. I can understand just how heartbreaking it is to pour yourself into this for so long and it just seem so hopeless. When I reached this point after 6 years of infertility investigations and IVF cycles I shut down, withdrew from life, but then I started counselling and doing some things for myself, like learning about yoga and meditation. After a while we decided to try again, but to change the game by trying DE (by now I'm age 42), and we've got a BFP. I'm not saying this or any alternative way of making a family is for everyone, or that losing your own fertility doesn't need to be grieved for, as I think anyone in this position will definitely go through feelings of severe loss. I'm just trying to say, that there can at some point be hope found in other ways, and you may be able to find joy and maybe even fulfil your dreams of a family one day. Sending love and best wishes to you xx

[MamaVe in reply to Wishingfortheday]

That's a very nice, realistic and optimistic post. Congratulations on the BFP! That was a success story which I belive should give hope and the boost to perseverance to all who come across it. I was telling the OP the same thing... no matter what hope is never lost really... not as long as you don't stop trying. Definitely, the way which shall bring success is not known and there's much time involved to feeling lost, hopeless or even grieving over the ordeal is only natural. But then I believe as women we're just the core of strength in ourselves... we break-down get desolate and then pick ourselves up and move on the road seeking success. That's how it's always have been and that's how one reaches success. Plus, there's always better clinics and better strategies also better healing ( like you said yoga and meditation) that can help make the fertility journey better or rather bearable.

[LKT1]

Whilst I think these feelings and behaviour is completely understandable, you have both been through so much, speaking to a professional would be a good idea. Depression can be difficult to move pass alone. It might be good to spend some quality time with your partner and remember why you got together in the first place. You must have had fun, shared some laughs and had sex because it felt good and made you closer (not just to try and make a baby). I’m not suggesting you have sex if you are not ready that would be pointless but try and rediscover each other and what brought you together. I felt so lost and disheartened after our failed round that we are only going ahead with 1 more. It’s a heart wrenching decision but you need to also consider your mental health. Some people can go for rounds and rounds of IVF and that’s amazing for them but it’s not for everyone and I know I can’t. Have you considered adoption?We originally thought no but after talking to people at an open day we are a lot more open to it. That’s our next step to having a family if this round fails. Please speak to someone, spend time with your partner and consider if there are other options to give you hope. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide xxx

[Shirazlover2013]

I’m so sorry you guys have had to go through all this, sounds like you’re both bottoming out or hitting rock bottom so to speak. It’s a cruel thing this infertility shit and you’ve been through so much. Have you thought about some infertility focused counselling either together or separately or both? I know some men aren’t so good at talking or seeking help for themselves so going together might be less scary.

Infertility robs us of so much, the joy of sex certainly goes out the window, conception sex is pretty rubbish 😝 do you think you can slowly shift your mindset here to other ways of enjoying one another (I’m writing this on a train and don’t want to get too graphic 😂) but hopefully you get my gist. And do some nice things for yourself (as I write this I am reminding myself of this advice too!), shopping, hair cut, hike outside in nature, whatever floats your boat. One foot in front of the other to pass some time until the pain isn’t so raw. Sending big hugs and 😘

[MamaVe]

Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about your ordeal with the fertility treatment. Been on the same for a long time to know how wrecking it feels at times. But don't be sad or feel that hope is totally lost for you.... for it is not. If it's the implantation problem, medical science have improvised on that too and that situation can be helped. Recently, I have been reading about assisted implantation as a part of fertiliy technique but yes I guess not all clinics have that treatment regime already. It's called intraendometrial transfer, DIET for short. There are several ways to do that, the selection procedure of viable embryo is enhances, the envioronment for implantation is created through external administration of intrinsic factors and finally (this one is last choice though) the bucking and attachement of the embryo to the endometrium is done clinically.

Also, while I quite know that you feel incomplete without the child and even the family feels the need of that giggle and whining your body's only puspose is not having baby... you got to change your perspective dear. Implantation failure can be caused both for maternity factors or embryonic properties you never know for sure what's your reason... so no point blaming it all on yourself and getting depressed about it.

[Birdwithnoname in reply to MamaVe]

Thank you for taking the time to read and to offer your words, I believe that you meant to offer comfort and support. However I have to honour how I am feeling at the moment, and that I am in the place of feeling loss and despair at this moment in time. This is my perspective right now. I am sure time will give me a new perspective and provide healing.

The new technology surely is a wonderful thing, but as far as I am aware the problem lies with the DNA of my eggs. I would consider DE or even perhaps embryological dna screening if we were to have any more rounds. Xx

[MamaVe in reply to Birdwithnoname]

Oh sorry to know about the that! There you go, like I said the problem might not be your body really but embryonic. The DNA frailty or anomaly isn't really a shortcoming on your part, sometimes it's just the combination of genes and it's subsequent expression that causes such defects. Yes, I understand how you feel and that you're supposed to feel that way considering all the ordeal that you've been through. And I don't really intend to convince you otherwise but just somewhat help you lift up your spirit and be able to see hope. I know the feel, I have been through this... it starts with blaming and then end up in a sucessive bouts of depression and anxiety... that's what I've been trying to push you away from. You see hope is not completely lost after all, DE is the possible solution... so there's no way it's a totaly no no. You just have to muster all your strength and fight the dilemmas to go for it. I wish you all the luck in the world to be able to sort though things and find success soon enough.

[FingersXssed83]

Hello, I’m in a very similar position just had my third IVF cycle third BFN. A total of 5 good quality embryos have failed to implant. I’ve just turned 36.

I’m wondering whether I have endometriosis as I have painful periods with large clots so after going through so much, we have decided to pay privately for a lap and dye, and hopefully remove anything untoward in there.

My third cycle failed yesterday and my lap is booked mid Sept.

In the meantime, I am going to my GP to ask them to run hormone and blood tests.

And I’m going to ask our IVF consultant for Chicago bloods, ERA, hysteriscopy, sperm DNA, karyotping, infections T our review meeting in a few weeks.

I hope that having a plan will help me to push through this feeling of helplessness.

We’ll transfer our 2 x frosties after the lap, probably do one more OE retrieval and then start to seriously consider adopting donor embryos or babies.

It’s such a harrowing, shitty journey. Try and look after yourself in the best way you can ❤️❤️ xxx

[Birdwithnoname in reply to FingersXssed83]

You too. I hope the extra efforts bring you some peace of mind, even if it’s for just having tried. It is shitty. I just had a follow up Skype with embryologist from where we had our treatment and it seems that even though all my blood tests for ovarian function (AMH and FSh) are good, the actual response of my ovaries does not match. He thinks that because I needed to have the maximum dose of stimulation drugs possible that the drugs affected the quality of the eggs. Going forward he suggests we try ‘ovarian rejuvenation therapy’ which is supposed to use plasma to help make the ovaries ‘younger’ if that makes sense. I’ve not looked in to it yet because I resigned myself to no more ivf. But it does help to have a glimpse of a plan! Love xxx

[FingersXssed83 in reply to Birdwithnoname]

We have never got many eggs although my AMH is good. Possible reason for this is endo and it looks like my ovary is stuck behind my uterus. Will have a look into the therapy you’ve mentioned. Sounds interesting. Dreading the results of my lap and understanding how futile our TTC naturally have been. I’m hoping for the best, expecting the worst so anything less than stage 4 will be great although I know that staging and infertility don’t always go hand in hand. Seriously started looking into surrogacy recently, we’re putting our application into SUK shortly. Kind of feels like a safety net when doing more IVF. How many more cycles do you think you’ll do? I’m not sure I can hack much more, but up to 6 seems reasonable if 2.7 is average although our consultant said that above 3, the chances per cycle go down to about 20%. Will keep a look out for positive news from you ❤️❤️❤️

[SerrineV]

I know the struggle of wanting a baby and not being able to get pregnant and how hopeless you can feel. The past 18 months I’ve tried to be strong and not let our fertility difficulties affect life in general. I'm not sure this could be put like long ttc but I was starting to feel hopeless one day too. I did have awful days after I’d get AF again and again. I was trying to stay brave and strong and confident - we'd catch that egg next time. But things aren't that easy unfortunately – finally we went on with surrogacy..

[cleo801]

I'm so sorry you faced infertility. I can imagine how hard and emotionally draining it is for you and your husband. I've been struggling for 3 yrs myself. This is unbelievably hard to stay positive. Believe me, I know that. But please PLEASE don't think "What’s the point in a body that has no purpose". This is not true! You are much more than just a baby-making machine. We all are! I know sometimes (well, most of the time) it seems like we're broken, that we're not enough. But we are not broken! We are enough! This is not our fault! I know this is hard to live but not just exist in our situation. I know how simple it is to turn sex into smth routine and unpleasant. But we should not let such things happen and fck up our lives! Not just for our partners, but for us, for our mental health!

[cleo801]

I definitely won't advise you to relax, but maybe both of you need some short break? Last year we had 4 failed ivf cycles and 2 of them resulted in mc. We decided to take a year off. That may seem a lot, but I'm so glad we did it. I can't say I was fully tuned off of the whole infertility thing, but I definitely had a great time with my husband. I was just enjoying the time being with me, myself and I. I feel much better now and I feel like I'm ready to start a cycle with donor eggs.