I put the bottle down. But, I’m struggling

[1Mechanic]

hey, I’ve done it. I quit the booze. At first it felt great. More energy! Happier! Better sleep.

After several days though, my negative and racing thoughts have increased by about 1000%. Not 100%, it’s closer to 1000%. I can’t concentrate. I can’t sleep. I keep feeling danger everywhere. I keep telling myself to calm down. It’s nothing. You’re safe now.

“That dude is just loading up his car with groceries. He’s not going to hurt you. Be patient. Be calm,” I say to myself. And, “This dude isn’t going to hit you with his car. Turn the music up. Slide over a lane. Let him go by. It’s okay. He probably just has to go to the bathroom. Heck, maybe he already has and feels disgusted.”

“hey, stop thinking about that, “ I say to myself. “And stop walking like that! Walk on the sidewalk! Calm down! You’re not on a patrol anymore. And you’re certainly not in contact! You don’t have to be walking with the shadows and or looking for cover. Calm down.“ I keep saying these things to myself. I’m hurting man.

I think this is one of several reasons I picked that daggum bottle up to begin with. My pulse is high. Chest is sore. And I’m deeply alert. It’s hard. It’s very hard to stay away from that bottle. I have expired anti-anxiety meds. Only by a few months. I’m thinking about taking them. Just because, I know the VA. They will take months to get me what I need in order to stay away from that bottle. But I don’t know, I don’t want to hurt myself either.

Eventually, something is going to give. And I don’t want to go backwards. But, I do want to live. This is no way to live. I mean, there is a better way to live. I just need to find it. If there are any suggestions on how I can find it then I would appreciate it.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi 1Mechanic,

It is a huge accomplishment that you quit drinking. It is very tough.

I am terribly sorry to hear your symptoms of PTSD worsened after you stopped drinking. I appears you might need medication.

It is not good enough that the VA takes such a long time. Is there any chance for an urgent appointment?

I am really concerned about your symptoms...

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

Mechanic1

Congratulations, it takes strength and will power to stop drinking. Be proud of what you have done.

Your symptoms are alarming. We know drinking is self medicating and eases our pain. There is def a necessity to replace this with something.

The VA is a slow system. Is this a psychiatrist appointment you are waiting for?

I'm thinking the same as Nathalie99. Can you get to an acute care setting? They can evaluate you and possibly speed the process by reaching out to the VA.

I'm wondering if AA would be a good idea. Dual diagnosis, both issues have to be addressed.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Please stay safe

🐬

[BrainIsFull]

Hi Mechanic. Congratulations on taking the step to stop drinking. That's very brave!It's not surprising that you are having such strong feelings. Alcohol numbs all those so now you are experiencing the feelings completely. It is terrifying. But it is only temporary. And while it may feel like you can't survive having such strong emotions, I assure you that many have and you can too!

I second the idea of medication. And if you need to then you should get an emergency appointment.

I also like the idea of checking out a support group like AA. It could give you a chance to share how you are feeling and see that you are not alone. I don't know how many people with addictions have anxiety /depression but it's probably a huuuge number.

Try to be gentle with yourself. This is a process. There will be ups and downs and setbacks but there will ALSO be healing! There is no right or wrong here.

We are all rooting for you! 💚

[SavingGrace Administrator]

You are doing a good thing- for your physical and mental health. Wishing you well 1Mechanic.

[1Mechanic]

thanks for all of your responses. I saw a doctor outside of the VA yesterday. He’s already prescribed me a very good anti-anxiety pill. I will pick it up on the way home and take it tonight. Then I will be taking it every morning after that. It’s a six week dose, so it should last long enough for the VA to get their act together.

I did relapse last Saturday. After two weeks, I just couldn’t take it anymore. It was like the matrix movie when Leo met the architect. All of those TV’s were just screaming at me. “Watch out! “. “Dead grass on the side of the trail! Don’t go there!! And so on and so on and so on.

After about one hour into it, the TV’s all changed. They were all playing the same thing. And it was that of shame. That I’m a loser. I’m weak. They were so very loud too. It has me thinking that I’m starting to fight off depression symptoms now too. I don’t know. But I didn’t and don’t like those feelings to much.

And I’m not weak! I’m not a loser either! The architect’s TV’s can kiss my ass! It’s hard, but I’m doing it. You know, it’s very freakin hard to kick a habit you’ve had for twenty years, But I will give it all that I got. I will not stop. And I can’t wait to look at myself in the mirror when I’m one year sober!

[JodiJeakins]

l’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I’m glad that youre giving quitting drinking your all. There’s a device called neurofeedback that helps the brain self correct itself by changing the electrical patterning in the brain. If you’re interested in learning more, I have a friend that I can refer you to who can give you more info about it.

[1Mechanic in reply to JodiJeakins]

thank you for informing me of neurofeedback. However, I would like to hold off on it just for now. My private care doctor has prescribed me some anti-anxiety meds. They are helping tremendously!

I would like to take baby steps with this chemical re-balance of the brain. In other words, start with this and if I need to do more, and/or something else, then move onto that. But, I will keep neurofeedback mind. Thank you for letting me know about it!