Rage

[Genepost99]

This is my first post and I’m going to be as raw as possible because things need to change. To make a long story short I truly had convinced myself that things in my life growing up were not as bad as they were and the lengths I went to as a child to keep our families secrets were quite outlandish however for me they worked for decades. Now I’m 37 and my mom died last year and everything turned off for almost a year and now I’m a shell. The things I don’t know that I had no idea that I didn’t even know are depressing. The realization that there’s all sorts of words for feelings that somehow I glazed over even with the immense amount of reading I did how did I not know all those emojis were different words??? Then the realization that people are checking up on me because of how outlandish my behavior. I mostly have no friends these days but my roommates gf is a nurse and she had me googling this test and I told her I got a 9 and she told me go to doctor. I don’t mind waiting for this doctor and I don’t mind the pills but I need help with one thing:

I can only explain it with an example so today I was at the store and this lady in line with her cute little daughter and I just seen him earlier in the aisle as she was smiling and waving at me showing me her toy well mom hit that baby right in the face in her stroller because she wanted attention and mom was busy and that little girl crying made me almost kill someone. Please that part all I need to turn off while I wait for therapy. It’s been hrs I’m broken

[Midori]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. Do you have a therapist or a supportive doctor? Time to see them and explain what happened. Well done on not creating a scene in the store, but you should probably report the incident. Ask if the store has CCTV, and try to get CPS or similar on it.

[BrainIsFull]

Hi! First of all, great job at realizing that you need help and taking steps to get it! That is a hard first step. It sounds like you are on a waiting list for a doctor? If you feel like you are going to lose control, you may want to consider asking for emergency services. That could mean an inpatient stay. Only you can say if you feel like you can't hold on until you get a doctor's appointment.

I'm sorry that you are suffering but there is hope! 💚💚💚

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

I’m really sorry about the experience in the store. It will have triggered a part in you to cause such an extreme reaction, the only good thing about this is that is seems some of your feelings are starting to surface or as I called it I was unthawing. I used to believe I didn’t feel anything, I used to have the mantra I’m not real, I don’t feel for many years.

I had to learn to name feelings like if I was happy I didn’t know the name for that feeling was happy.

It’s taken the time it has so far in therapy but I’m a lot better than I was and more able to identify feelings.

It seems like the part you are identifying is stuck in trauma time. When that happens for me I will look at my hands and say these are the hands of a grown woman, I will look at my surroundings and say I’m in my own home now an dits safe here...that sort of thing to bring me back to the present. It’s important to acknowledge that little part by saying I know you feel hurt/angry about what you’ve just seen because it reminds you of.......but now we are safe and it’s now 2021. That sort of thing.

All the best to you as you wait for therapy. It’s certainly helped me.