Gaslightened or toxic?

[The_wOnderer]

I don't have the energy nor the certainties to write more than this at the moment, but I'm in big emotional distress and I can't understand if I'm being toxic and I'd still be wherever I go, or if I can leave this situation and hope for something better. I'm scared I am a bad person to have around. I'm scared there's no hope, nowhere to go, no home ever for me. I'm scared I'm just delusional about what makes me feel bad, maybe it's just me, and it's been me all along, and I have no clue how to change it

[Marnie22 Volunteer]

Hi. This might sound odd, but I think the fact that you are on this particular forum very likely means that your current feelings are more to do with PTSD than to do with you as a person. I think a lot of people on here would say that at times they have felt like you are feeling. I certainly have. I have been having EMDR and I have been experiencing enormous changes in my views and perspective on everything so that I am starting to understand much more fully how C - PTSD influences our perception of ourselves in such subtle yet poisonous ways that we think it's 'us' that's the problem.

I hope that makes sense. Sending a hug.

🙂🌸

[The_wOnderer in reply to Marnie22]

Thanks for the reply and the hug ♥️ I kind of...know. I had gone a long way through healing, but now I'm questioning everything again. There have been interactions with a family member I live with who thinks I'm toxic, and her reasoning kind of makes sense. It is true that c-PTSD makes me very sensitive to some kind of things and my emotional reaction are exaggerated, and I know this, I don't blame my overreaction on others. I always specify that I'm not feeling like this BECAUSE OF THEM, yes they might have said something that triggered me, maybe it could be worded better, but my emotional reaction is absolutely not their fault, it's my head and my PTSD making their exaggerations and getting to twisted conclusions, it's up to me to manage it, it shall pass, I will feel better. Nonetheless, she sais my emotions are still hard to witness and make others feel guilty, which makes me passive aggressive, manipulative and toxic, and also that I surround myself only with hypocrite people that always say I'm right and that's why I feel good with them and have troubles with her when she speaks her mind, and everywhere I go I'll have the same kind of issues because I'm oversensitive and toxic. I know my emotional states are hard to witness. I don't blurt or project my fears and feelings out to others, I'd rather them to hit me if they really have to hit something. I know it is still painful to watch but I can't decide to not have PTSD, I'm trying my best to heal and feel better, and manage triggers better. I don't know what else to do. Maybe surround myself with people that support me and don't trigger me every couple of minutes, and who don't respond to emotional distress with anger, at least until I gain a little trust and confidence in myself, so that I'll be less sensitive. But apparently those people are hypocrite that do me no good

[BlueDaydreamer in reply to The_wOnderer]

Dear The_wOnderer, I am so sorry that someone is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you. I can't imagine how it must have felt to grow up in the situation you grew up in. My stepdad was emotionally abusive, but mostly to my mom. And he was a little physically abusive to me and one of my sisters. I told myself I would never be married to a man who treated me that way, but then I did marry a man who was abusive in several ways. But the hardest thing to overcome was his gaslighting. And anytime I developed a friendship with someone they were "just criticizing our marriage because they want you (me) to be as miserable as they are!" . When I went to a counselor she was evil. When I got on medicine it was "being on drugs", and when I went to church I was "being a hypocrite". And if I had a female friend, she "had the hots" for my husband, and if I had a male friend, he "just wanted to get in (my) pants" . So anything positive I did for myself, or any friend I made, I would have to go through a bunch of abuse about it. It doesn't make sense that the people that are supportive of you are "hypocrites". They simply don't have the emotional baggage that your aunt has in order to see things so very wrong! Please believe your support system. And get out of the house if you can, as quickly as possible. I can imagine it would be difficult to support yourself with the PTSD and the ongoing verbal abuse and gaslighting. I don't have an answer. But if your family would agree to you living in your grandmother's house to take care of the animals, and if you could keep your mother from bothering you, then I would say go for it. Sending hugs! Take care! You are a good person with a warm heart!

[The_wOnderer in reply to BlueDaydreamer]

Awwww thanks! I moved 2 weeks ago. My grandmother's house was a mess, I was planning to fix a couple of things before moving, but my aunt kind of kicked me out, took back last minute all the "gifts" she bought me, when I insisted on paying them myself but eventually gave up, and now she says they were never intended to be gifts and that's what I get for assuming they were mine: she kept bedroom furniture (that I chosed and she never liked) and my electric bike, which was my only way to move and be independent for basic stuff like doing the shop, buying antidepressants, attend to psychiatric appointments and sometimes for work (she doesn't need it and won't likely ever use it). Then she lied about me and tried to convince my parents not to help me because I presumably am mean and crazy. My mother had a hysterical-suicidal crisis as a result of all the mess. She's fine now though. Luckily my family didn't believe my aunt and is helping me a lot, which I'm grateful for. The atmosphere here is a lot lighter, but I still have PTSD, and today I was badly triggered by a pretty small thing and I feel like crap, but besides that, it's going well. I still have s lot of emotional tiredness to recover from, but I think I'll be fine

[Shy_Guy]

I feel for you. I am not very good at self evaluation. I have been there and will probably be there again. Big virtual hug.

[The_wOnderer in reply to Shy_Guy]

Awww thanks. Self evaluation is a huge problem when raising up drowned in manipulation and gaslighting. Although I worked a lot on this and I made progress, I still have huge insecurity areas where I'm completely incapable of self evaluating, and having sensitive and positive people around is essential because of that. I hope you have some by your side

[Midori]

To me it is obvious that you are in a lot of distress, but you haven't given us enough to advise you in the causes of your anxiety.

Can you give us some more to work with please?

OK I have just found your reply about a family member who is definitely being abusive, saying you are toxic and surround yourself with hypocrites, That is definitely non-helpful. She has nothing positive to say at all. Can you steer clear of her? You do not need someone like that pulling you down all the time.

It sounds like you have a very poor family situation.

Cheers, Midori

[The_wOnderer in reply to Midori]

Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't write it right away. I really had no energy, and I was so confused. I explained the following morning as soon as I got up. The same morning I really evaluated my options. My grandmother died months ago. It was the only grandparent left 😔 now her house is empty though and it belongs to the family. It is a country house, with land to cultivate, some animals. Right now some uncles are trying to find the time to take care of the animals, but if I went there, I could do it. Problem is my crazy mother often passes by. She works the land there. But she just passes, and if that becomes the place where I live, I set the rules, not her. I'd feel more in control I guess. The risks are there, but it's worth a try

[Nathalie99 Partner]

I understand the fear and feeling of no hope but I think it is partly the triggers making things really unworkable and impossible.

You are a good person and you are working very hard on your recovery, The_Wonderer.

I know the feeling of not having enough self confidence to be strong in myself and I get triggered into that bad place when I was told some horrible things when I was a child. These things were not true but it was hard at that time, hard to fight against the abusers and to not believe those things.

I am sorry that your self value was impacted by the situation and I really feel for you.

My hope is you will find a good, safe and stable place to live. Once I found that, I was able to achieve goals I thought were impossible.

The reason was because I wouldn't even try to achieve them, as people around me would not believe in me and constantly put me down.

Things have changed and I got confirmation that they didn't mean it, they had so much anger and their own issues. They may have not realized how their behavior impacted me or they couldn't help it (or both) but it did impact my life.

With recovery, you are growing a stronger sense of self and I hope things get easier...

[The_wOnderer in reply to Nathalie99]

I understand you so much. They didn't mean it, they had their own issues, but still I was told horrible things and blamed for very serious stuff that had nothing to do with me all my childhood and teens, at home and at school. I had clinical depression, I was delusional and had plans to commit suicide at 11 years old. My mental health was never addressed though, and I had to do everything on my own while still enduring abuse. At high school, when school context started to be a little more bearable, my efforts begun to work, little by little, and healing begun. Then a full c-PTSD exploded when I left my parents home, because survival mode turned off and everything came out. This was 4 years ago, I got lots of professional support, though I'm still collecting the pieces. Cohabitation with my aunt has always been difficult, I'm pretty sure it's not helping. MAYBE I found another place where to go. I hope my aunt isn't right saying that nothing will change with moving.

Having so little hope and trust in myself makes me depressed and extremely anxious. I feel so heavy, zero energy, bad mood, sadness, muscle pains, difficulties getting out of bed, nightmares, everything seems useless and bringing me nowhere, hopelessness, no motivation. It definitely affects my ability to function. Meaning I don't function. At the slightest. I need a friend. I need positivity and someone to comfort me 🥺

[The_wOnderer]

Update.

Today I finally started feeling a little better, and I hope for this to be just the start 😊 trigger is not always a bad word. Positive triggers exist, and one arrived completely unexpected, reminding me that people not understanding me is absolutely nothing new, and it's very likely that the family member that pulled me down has been one of them. I have ADHD, and I think weird. It's a creative kind of weird, and many just see weird, they don't see the potential.

As a child, I identified a lot with Bastian from the neverending story. His father didn't understand why he drew horses during math class, and Bastian was too resigned to even explain him they were unicorns, not horses. Let alone why he drew them. He didn't know if to be more disappointed at others for not being understood, or at himself for not being as his father and teachers wished. He tried, but he wasn't succeeding that much, and he was destroying his Fantàsia, his dreams in the process.

I was too little to understand why I felt such a strong connection with Bastian, but I started drawing more unicorns in my copybooks as a silent cry for help. Since I wasn't allowed any complaint.

Yesterday night I woke up randomly, and after just a couple of minutes I heard a piece of the neverending story's main theme playing on my aunt's television. I instantly made the connection and understood that I'm still that child that was not accepted and not understood. Once again, I can't trust anyone but myself, and I have to fight through to keep my confidence and value who I am, although it's not realistic, not rational to believe that I'm the only one right and all the world around me is wrong, I have to be stronger than all of them put together and keep believing that they don't have the right to abuse, they don't have the right to discourage and judge, and they are not capable to see what I see and to appreciate me for who I am.

I'm not wrong, I'm just... Bastian 😢💪

And I feel the sudden need to draw unicorns on a mathbook 😄

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to The_wOnderer]

I know about positive triggers and I actually have music that helps me. I love Neverending Story and the music.

It is so important to feel this connection with your inner self, with that part of yourself and I know that I made it because of that.

Inspiration has been a very big part of finding my own way as I believe we are all individual and each of us has this uniqueness that is so very precious and valuable. It is important to find this and stay connected to our true self, our core.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, all of them, as it helps a lot...

[Midori]

I too can relate to that film, although I saw it with my kids.

I used to draw horses add dogs on my books, and much of my time in school was daydreaming.

As an only child, I never felt comfortable with other kids; they had different interests from me. They thought I was weird; and I probably was.

My interests were crafting and art, walking and getting out on the mountains to be alone with the wind and the weather. I was never a social kid.

[The_wOnderer in reply to Midori]

OMG, I could have written this! Every single letter, besides"I saw it with my kids" 😄 I drew a lot of horses, cats, dogs, fairies and I tried to learn skulls and dragons. Also, I needed time for myself too, and my interests and those of my peers didn't quite match. And I didn't know it at the time, because my family almost never went hiking or anything, but I love forests, mountains, nature and all. I knew I loved thunderstorms, and climbing trees though

[Midori in reply to The_wOnderer]

We could be long lost twins! I was never a girly girl!