New & Nervous

[JeanieX]

Hi, this is my first time ever doing anything like this – support group/forum stuff. I was diagnosed with CPTSD about a year ago but could have been diagnosed so many years prior if anyone had taken me seriously. I come from a family very entrenched in the effects of having a narcissistic husband and father. I guess what pushed me here today finally is just that I feel like a prisoner of my own body and nervous system. I’m at a point in therapy and healing where I can recognize my symptoms and see my PSTD in myself but I can’t change it – like, if I try to take deep breaths to calm down my anxiety I end up giving myself more anxiety and wind up in a ruminating spiral – part of it is my medication needing to be adjusted for sure but I’m still waiting to see a psychiatrist (hopefully within the next couple weeks). To make a very long story very short, I just feel extremely trapped in my body and brain physically want to crawl out of my skin in a way I haven’t felt thus far in my journey. Words of advice, support, camaraderie all appreciated

[Beingindependent Volunteer]

We are glad you are here. Welcome to the forum. We are a safe place.

People from all over the world are on this site so often many people are on here at different times.

It’s ok. It’s ok to be new and nervous but I hope you feel relaxed and know we are glad you are reaching out.

Well oh yes many times I felt like I wanted to get out of how I felt .

You won’t always feel this way. This too shall pass is very true.

I hope you can find a positive way to express how you feel,

Know that you have this and you will find your way,

[JeanieX in reply to Beingindependent]

Thank you! I'm trying to find ways to express how I feel and it can be so hard because everything I loved or tried as a kid/teen was met with cruel commentary from my dad - I'm getting back into art slowly and just keep trying to remind myself that I don't have to create anything to be 'good' I can make whatever I want just because I want to and thats, that - ya know?

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi JeanieX,

Welcome to the community and thanks for the courage to share.

I can relate to the feeling of "jumping out of my skin", it's very hard to describe but it's quite unbearable.

I think that those traumatic experiences somehow get stored in the body and it feels like the body is overloaded.

I can understand that at this moment the attempt to breathe mindfully might cause more anxiety.

Is there anything that really makes you feel safe or used to in the past?

Things that help might be unique to each person.

I hope that the appointment with the doctor can help and I'm sorry about the waiting time.

Have you considered a trauma therapy?

I'm sending you my support...

[JeanieX in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words I had just started EMDR when COVID-19 halted everything to a stop and I am looking forward to going back when its possible. Its a very strange feeling for sure, typically I just try to find something to do that requires my full attention and try to submerge myself in whatever that is, which does offer some relif!

[Shy_Guy]

Welcome JeanieX, I am glad you are here. COVID has made it more important to reach out than before. I am a self appointment hermit but even a hermit needs to feel connected every once in a while.

You are among friends here. People from all over the world come to this forum and all have different varieties of PTSD. The malady has bridged a way for me to fit in. I don’t fit many places. If people can except me, I am sure people will except you.

Keep labeling the feelings. It really helps to practice so the healing can continue.

[Midori]

Hi Jeanie.

I have been like that, overthinking everything until you mentally can't cope any more, and your brain tries to run and hide in the rabbit hole.

I still do it now, after more than 40 years of it (untreated unfortunately, as it wasn't recognised in the civilian population until quite recently).

I've had to work it out for myself, and I think I have done quite well, although there are things that still put me into panic mode.

I had a husband who was very controlling. He controlled everything about me, even when I should leave work (difficult, as I was a nurse on an acute ward). Several times I would try to hide the black eyes he gave me with makeup; but of course it was noticed, and commented on. Afterwards he would send me red roses to the ward; embarrassing me further. He started coming looking for me on the ward; so I had to quit.

One of his favourite things was to ask me a question which even a doctor would have to look up, and then denigrate me saying,' 'And You're supposed to be a nurse', dropping my self esteem right down. He alienated me from family and friends, controlled money, insisted I looked like a trophy wife at all times, makeup, clothes, hair. He also drank, as he had a high powered job in Communications, and at one time was earning more than the PM!

Eventually I couldn't stand it, especially when he started on the kids, so, one day I upped and ran with the kids to the local refuge; where they promptly relocated me to another part of the country. (Back then you couldn't go to the police and be believed, or helped).

It's coming up for 30 years since he suicided ( He couldn't live with the shame of not being able to control his wife, he said.) All I felt was a sick sense of relief.

His family tried to accuse me of murdering him, (one of the good parts of being relocated to another part of the country scotched that rumour, ( I have only really spoken to his family once since then, at the Inquest)

I had never heard of Gaslighting and Narcissism until recently, but he was a classic.

Nowadays I try to help folk with PTSD, and I offer my story to show that I understand and have been there, myself.

I am now disabled, partly due to the physical and metal trauma; although mentally, I am well past the worst, but I have back problems, mainly due to nursing, hips and knees shot. I hate crowded places and noisy places, and any hint of a threat to my safety, or violence offered, will send me running for the rabbit hole. Old age doesn't help much, I'm 72, but my kids are well and I have a grandson. My son is my carer and lives with me.

Wow! sorry I didn't notice what a screed I'd written! I hope some of it might resonate with you.

Cheers, Midori

[Agara33]

complex ptsd is often misdiagnosed or misunderstood--which can add a lot more issues if you seek help and your state is belittled...i also have it and its a very winding road forward and back and forward. many of us here are in that dark forest with you, and many of us have found that talk therapy and medication aren't the only things we need. there are many mind body therapies, and ones that don't involve talk so much as go directly to the subconscious where trauma effects us. NLP has really changed things for me and given me hope. It has resolved major issues very quickly and painlessly. EMDR is also really helpful to many. There are many things I've come across like mindfulness, bach remedies, yogic mantras, the sea. With this condition you have to be very creative and open minded. I hope you find something to give you peace and hope.