In 2009/2010 I was fortunate to have found Michele Rosenthal's HealMyPtsd website and youtubevideos. Her inspiration and shared insights into PTSD helped me in my own healing journey. Her graciousness in accepting my guest post Blog "Windows and Doors, One Woman's Plight to Heal" 2010, encouraged me to keep fighting, keep believing in myself, and to learn how to rewire my brain and its perceptions. Since that time many doors and windows have closed and opened. Still, many persons in my life attempted to minimize my condition/s with encouraging words without complete understanding of what those duplicitous conditions were/are. Gratefully so I received whatever was said or intended, and tried to remember that PTSD up until most recently; had been considered a condition for service men and women in the military or other fields.
To have met and become friends with numerous individuals who suffered from PTSD, many of which were VETS, they were taken aback when I told them I have PTSD. My response was and still is the same: "Civilians get PTSD too". The battles or wars we have been through might not be as severe as the service members who lost so much as they fought for our country, no matter the course or degree of traumas, many civilians do have the condition based upon traumatic experience. In a way, its a good thing to be able to relate to service persons who have Ptsd. On the other hand its not as a civilian is a civilian.
Setbacks, triggers, and more traumatic setbacks. Woah, have I had my share of those. In fact it seems as though every comeback has an even harsher setback. Still, I march on. The difference is that now I no longer try to explain myself, and often catch myself when justifying why I don't do certain things or go certain places. I have accepted my condition/s, live with each and every one of them, stare them in the face on a daily basis and at times the door and windows are opened, and others they are closed. Still, I march on.
To suggest full recovery is a belief I'd like to truly have and a truth I'd like to experience. To fool myself into non acceptance of the labels or diagnoses is counterproductive. Inasmuch the very same can be said to those around me who try to pretend that those matters don't matter at all- sort of like being in denial about something that cannot be denied.
I'm a warrior in the battlefield of life. I have PTSD among other conditions. Losing loved ones, friends, autonomy, finances, food security, health, employment, housing, or other things that are taken for granted kept me humble. Finding out whose compassion and understanding was real opposed to not real was a huge lesson. Now the compassion, understanding and care is towards myself while still extending the very same to people known and unknown.
The next comeback is on its way, perhaps a bit slower than some, or slighter than others; yet in overcoming each adverse experience the healing begins again and again. March on Soldiers, march on.
I ran into my abuser today and now I'm a complete mess. *trigger warnings*
I want to be healed soon
