This morning, I picked up the phone and called "across the pond" to Grimsby, UK where for the first time in my life, I was able to wish my half-brother, John Ford, HAPPY BIRTHDAY and to tell him how much I have loved him for the first time in either of our lives. It was a brief, but wonderful phone call (he was on the way out and I wasn't sure how expensive it would be to call over there) and he was very excited to hear from me as I was from him. It was the first time we have ever spoken. Our mother never told him or his brother, Michael, of my existence; the non-identifying information she left me however included their names and birth dates! I have been praying and searching to find them for nearly 42 years and never lost hope that someday I might be blessed.
My adoption was my primary trauma and not living in a supportive environment with parents who could help me process what this meant. Later in my life, I found supportive environments and empathetic therapists to help me grieve/mourn these traumatic loss - never knowing my birth parents or my siblings and extended family.
I am so relieved to have had this experience and grateful for the recovery work that I have done that allows me to appreciate the blessing.
This is my brother, John Ford, with whom I spoke on Sunday. We have exchanged photos of each others families. John told me that we had another brother but he died when very young. He is helping me to know who my mother was. I look forward to all that he has to share and to share my life with him.
so often
Two a.m. more of the same --I guess I better add a TRIGGER WARNING
I fear my own body and body sensations
my own worst enemy (possible trigger warning)
