My own battle.

[mstwixie]

I went through a trauma 10 years ago that changed my life, turned it completely upside down, never became the same again...I try to find myself like re-discovering myself, which isn't always that easy.

I do feel like I will never be the person I once was, because she no longer exist.

Took me years to realize that I had PTSD, or complex PTSD actually, and years to get a diagnosis, I battle with stupid things, not all the time but quite often. I have fear of abandonment, seperation anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares and sleepless nights that I came to accept is a part of me now.

However I still have a problem accepting my trauma the way it happened, I know I cannot undo it but it's painful when the memories comes to mind, when the sadness suddenly appears and the tears takes over for awhile and there is nothing I can do but to let it run its course.

Crying for me is a release to let everything out...but then again I also battle with anger, I can be angry at the smallest thing, it can be quite tiring to battle with this horrible condition. Didn't ask for all these issues I am dealing with, but yet it was given to me with no warning.

Still taking one day at a time, in hope tomorrow will be a better day...

[GRUMPYA]

Hi mstwixie

i can relate to everything you say. My husband has said so many times that he wants his wife back, we even talk about "the old me" as though she was a good friend that died.

I cried for 5 years but then they dried up but I still have tears a bit too near the surface. I'm fine if no one gets thro my she'll but if they get under my skin at all then they can make me cry. I don't find my tears theraputic any more.

Have you thought of taking up something creative. I started knitting to fill the time I was left with and to help with the chronic pain I was left with. It turned out that research has proved that knitting works a bit like EMDR. It also helps me feel that i can still be useful and can achieve something. I know knitting isn't for everyone but finding an activity you can do that keeps you busy and uses the creative bit of your brain can really help.

I wish you well. You will find there is plenty of support on here. Good luck with your journey

[mstwixie in reply to GRUMPYA]

Hey,

thanks for the reply.

Well since it took years to realize this PTSD and to get a proper diagnosis, I have just begun to explore this journey with lots of side effects.

But I did try to be creative and find some things to fill my life with, like You, I started knitting as well as it is something I never thought I would find peaceful but I do

I also love to do Origami, it's time consuming and it lets me be at full focus and I enjoy that as well.

I know this will be a different life than I thought I had planned out to have, but I'll be damned if I am not gonna make it!!!

[689908]

I understand how you feel totally.

[alamagoosa Pioneer]

I understand

[Hidden]

I understand too. But do you think we will ever get our old selves back - or should we just celebrate who we are now. Even when and if we recover we will still be different how can we not be ?

[mstwixie in reply to Hidden]

I don't think we'll ever become who we once was, because trauma changes oneself, there are still bits and pieces of the old me but I'm definitely not the same person.

And I think we should embrace who we are now, even if that person we have become is on a painful road towards a better life. I don't know if I will ever fully recover but maybe with time the pain can lessen and the memories wont feel so bad.

[nessa3]

I get what your struggling with...I dont know who I am...or suppose to be.

Im either angry or numb...nothing else... no tears, rarely a glimpse of laughter...and something fun...mostly drudgery...one step at a time...

[mstwixie]

I feel like you do quite often...some days can be a bit okay then all of a sudden the next one is a complete disaster where I have to struggle to get through the day.