Realisation of impact on my family of changes in me

[catrabb1t]

Howdie All

I've been lost in a darkness for a while = DEPRESSION. I'm not going to write about this. I'm coming out the other side and am looking around again...thank god it has been short-lived.

All of my family members who I live (3) with have upset me a lot on a consistent basis and I sunk into a depression which I have just started coming out of.

I don't see them that much because i need a lot of alone time. When I do see them, each of them seem to have a low patience threshold and get angry or upset with me. When they behave like this it affects me a lot and I go away alone. Sometimes I cry a lot. Other times I cannot cry because I feel too overwhelmed. We have a daughter with special needs and she adds a strain to the house and to our marriage. She hit my head a few weeks ago. The stress affects my husband and his behaviour towards me changes. My 2 teenagers say horrible things to me about my "uselessness". It has all been too much for me and I got high symptoms of anxiety and depression.

In the past few days I thought over my interactions with them from their point of view.

I cannot watch tv with them for longer than 20 minutes and the programme has to be specially selected so I can follow it. Often i cannot have music on. I get very silly. My children think I act like a child. I shout when I am talking which really annoys them, I do not feel like I am shouting and it happens more when I am happy. Now the Christmas decorations are up I cannot tolerate the lights and they need switching off (I love Christmas lights), sometimes I need complete darkness and silence. I no longer cook. I go to the supermarket only occasionally and never alone. I am still not driving. I sleep a lot due to fatigue. I get anxious. I do housework a lot slower. I do not want to socialise outside of the house much and do not meet up with friends. I do not have the same ease of speaking and i cannot gauge how much that has made me different but I do know that there are so many things I intend to say and do not plus I was the house communicator before this happened (I have no speech impairment, it is a slower processing issue). I forget things. They think I know something because I mentioned it in the morning and they have still not realised that often by the afternoon I have forgotten it which matters a lot when it is an arrangement to do something and then I cannot because the shock of having forgotten hits me hard. If i forget to look at my calendar then the knowledge is lost.

For my family members they must still be adjusting to all of these changes in me. It is soon to be 2 years since my brain surgery.

Yes there are good things about what i can do (admin, laundry, cleaning, pet care, some planning, overseeing medical appointments for children and myself) but in the overall mix of living with a family the changes in me are the biggest hurdles and the good things seem small and insignificant. I do feel disappointed with them and i could have written a different type of post where I list all the ways they do not support me. I have told them what would be helpful and I am not sure how much support I get...??? Probably a lot of practical support because I do less, but very little emotional and a lot of lack of understanding.

Recently i do see how hard it is for them being on the receiving end of how I am based on the list above... *** I'm shocked at seeing the list of changes in me. ***

I've just realised than in a few days time I will not be as aware of how the changes in me affect them and I will return to feeling upset by their responses towards me and have no wider awareness of how and why they feel like that. *** It's a vicious circle. ***

It's all very well knowing this but I need to do something to help the situation. I am trying to be more normal by trying to arrange some normal things. I am encouraging my husband to put time aside for us to have a walk together which is what I like to do and it is good for him and we do not do it as often as we would like because of house prioritises and chores. We only walk for an hour tops and it is definitely relaxing for me. I will forget to do this eventually and he has his own memory issues with his own depression, so I am not sure if this will continue...??

I seem to be lucky that the depression is slacking off and my head is less swimmy.

That is all i can say about it. That's the reality and it isn't very good.

The upside is that since surgery I have a cheery outlook and I think this happens because of memory problems and not being aware of the bigger picture...hopefully cheerfulness will soon return. That will help me, but possibly not my family ??

Good wishes to you all. I hope my message either helps your own feelings of despondency or makes you value having your own space. 🐈‍⬛🐰 🎄

[paxo05]

Hi and good luck in getting through the depression.

You are right about the adjustment time. 2 years is early still. Family see early improvements and can get disillusioned when recovery slows.

A brain injury has a big impact on the person and at times a bigger one on the family. Are you in contact with Headway and do you attend as a family.

Family's can easily get frustrated and its easy for them to seem abrasive to you.

Add in a child with extra needs and you definitely need help as a family.

Years ago when I had my bi help for me was slow and virtually none existent for my family. Headway was a big help in letting my family adjust and recognise they were not alone.

Well done again for getting through the depression,

Pax

[catrabb1t in reply to paxo05]

Hi Paxo - thank you for your reply. I read it and showed my husband. I like your ided of going to headway as a family. Also thank you for your reminder that 2 years is early still. it makes me feels less disheartened. The depression lingers and whilst the bleakness has moved on, I am left with the zombie symptoms. But I am feeling a bit better every day and am communicating a bit more. Christmas has been totally overwhelming to me, the changes in the house have been hard to tolerate. All is not bad and I know that so I am working hard at feeling better bit by bit. Festive wishes to you x

[Life-Goes-On-2021]

Hi, unfortunately it is those unseen effects of brain injury that are hardest - not only to understand yourself but for family to comprehend too. It’s so good to hear that you are finding the way up out of your depression.

It’s hard to offer ‘help’ as it’s mainly time and exposure that gradually improve things, but I did find some respite in meditation and also in writing (or should I say typing as physically writing was and still is a problem). Nature also is a great soother as you mention.

I am 5+ years in now and my ‘bandwidth’ has definitely improved although there can still be conflict between us at home as they ‘forget’ what effort is going on inside my head just to ‘appear’ that I can function normally!

Things will never be the same as before- accepting that is perhaps the hardest part, not only for yourself (so you don’t drive yourself into despair and can appreciate the gains, whatever the size and time ), but also for those we interact with daily. My children were older than teenagers when I had my brain injury, but still struggled with ‘my changes’. A lot of communication helped me and them, but there have definitely been stages when I’ve considered outside help like counselling, both individually and as a family unit. Times of stress also make the issues worse on both sides.

I found that ‘helping’ myself was often more beneficial than trying to facilitate others. What makes me tick? In that I mean that managing my own needs and respecting them lead to better mood, improvement in functional abilities and interactions overall.

Wishing you all the best on your journey. It can be exhausting, definitely frustrating, but also illuminating. I feel that although I have undeniably been changed (and am still evolving), it's not all bad!

Good luck!

[catrabb1t in reply to Life-Goes-On-2021]

Hi LifeGoesOn - thank you for your thoughtful reply. I read it and showed my husband. There is a lot to think about in your reply. Acceptance is a thing I still need to work on and you helped me see this when I spoke with my husband. Counselling is so expensive but I would like to set this up in some capacity in 2024. I agree when you say ‘helping’ myself was often more beneficial than trying to facilitate others'.' My depression does get in the way of this but you have hit the nail the nail on the head. I have a lot of stumbling blocks but after talking with husband I am hoping he will help remove some barriers so I can start small steps...

My depression lingers and whilst the bleakness has moved on, I am left with the zombie symptoms. But I am feeling a bit better every day and am communicating a bit more. Christmas has been totally overwhelming to me, the changes in the house have been hard to tolerate. All is not bad and I know that so I am working hard at feeling better bit by bit. Festive wishes to you x

[Teazymaid]

I can very much relate to all that you have said.. we want others to understand how we are feeling and they don’t /cant … the only thing you can do is alter your perception them .. easier said than done but it is possible .. councilling is a massive help in the right direction .. I’ve done and am still doing it .. you have to want it to work and realise you need to work at it but it really is possible with the right councillor ( change them if the one you see isn’t good for you ) Good luck with what could be a great step in the right direction … Sue 🎄

[catrabb1t in reply to Teazymaid]

Hi Sue, thank you for your reply. I read it and showed my husband. My depression lingers and whilst the bleakness has moved on, I am left with the zombie symptoms. But I am feeling a bit better every day and am communicating a bit more. Christmas has been totally overwhelming to me, the changes in the house have been hard to tolerate. All is not bad and I know that so I am working hard at feeling better bit by bit. What you say about perception is dead right. I do quite well with this in general but when depression hits it is harder to work on. There are tools that I know about and I hope I have the motivation to do some to try and change the course of things... Festive wishes to you x

[Teazymaid in reply to catrabb1t]

merry Christmas and remember there will be good days and bad days but this is all ok .. it’s a part of recovery and a part of life . Sue x

[skydivesurvivor]

just survive Xmas, look forward to a new year! Smile to the anxiety!! Others will think u mad, but it aids to spite the depression!!!

[catrabb1t in reply to skydivesurvivor]

Hi skydivesurvivor, thank you for your reply. This is so true - smiling does help. I usually smile every morning before I have even opened my eyes but when depressed this little routine stops. I will make a conscious effort to try and carry on with it when the bad feelings start... Its weird how depression changes the face. It is so much harder to smile like the facial muscles have gone stiff! Thankfully whilst my depression lingers at the edges, the bleakness has moved on, I am left with the zombie symptoms. But I am feeling a bit better every day and am communicating a bit more. Christmas has been totally overwhelming to me, the changes in the house have been hard to tolerate. All is not bad and I know that so I am working hard at feeling better bit by bit. Festive wishes to you x

[skydivesurvivor in reply to catrabb1t]

I smile as I put the kettle on, frown when I remember it…. An hour later!!! Merry Xmas!

[busyfool]

I too have memory issues post surgery and have been using an app which reminds me of my to do list. The app is Due and each task can be set to snooze to make sure each task gets done and not forgotten. It nagges you so there’s no way you can forget. I got in to a routine of sitting down on a weekend to agree weekly tasks and goals for the week with my wife and check in mid week for an update. App isn’t free but the best reminder app I could find. Hope it helps.

[catrabb1t in reply to busyfool]

hi busyfool, thank you for your reply. I read it and showed my husband. I think the app is a bit too involved for me and I am going to use my phone alarm for more prompts and also Alexa. I use these a little bit already, so I can use them more to remind me of things. Memory issues are so weird to deal with. I'm pleased you found the app and it is helping your needs a lot. It sounds productive which it needs to be because of your Username - 'busyfool' - you need to be busy!! Festive wishes to you x

[skydivesurvivor in reply to busyfool]

When I was told to make lists back in hospital I thought y think am an idiot?!! 23yeats on I do!! Don’t help while I put kettle on in morning… remember it an hour later!!! Merry Xmas!!

[Shreds]

Cheaper than apps, write lists down and review them two or three times a day. Prioritise them too and cross them off when each one achieved.

Plus congratulate yourself for each task or target satisfied. 👍

[catrabb1t in reply to Shreds]

Hi Shreds, thanks for your reply. Your system is one that helps me more than using an app. I do struggle with making Task lists but that has been improved upon in 2023 and I am quite good at being directed by them. With memory problems it is the only way for me to get things done.

Appointments are not on my Task list - they are on calendar - and a system of alarm prompts seems to be the only way to help that doesn't cause me more work. Also, my husband has had a reminder that he needs to prompt me more for appointments (which includes anything to do with another person).

It's a journey.... festive wishes to you x

[catrabb1t]

To anybody who reads this post and also feels depressed, I know how hard life becomes. If things get too bad for you then use a phone line to contact an actual person and speak to them if you can. I find this hard because my verbal communication shuts down and I don't know where to start when writing a text. It is important to keep yourself safe and have some connection with somebody.

If you are in the zombie zone when the depression is lifting, this time around I have found that being open about how i feel as much as I can has helped me a bit. Facing all the things that have been left whilst depression was in full swing is very hard and overwhelming. Rebuilding relationships is hard when you have been so quiet and withdrawn. All of this can be repaired little by little and all is not lost. Reach out more when you are able to. Be kind to yourself and remember, it is an illness and you are not to blame. xx