So here I am. 5 months after my apparent brain injury. Why do I say apparent? Because I have no memory of it. To cut a long story short, I have absolutely no recollection of anything in July as a result. I remember July 28th as that is the day I recall being here. Prior to that (i.e. the whole of July) nothing. The doctors don't believe me so why should I. They say if had that level of post traumatic amnesia I would be bed ridden, so I must be getting something wrong or I'm not being frank with them.
I'm back at work and 'lucky'. I can walk, talk, tie my own shoes laces, and hold down a job. Yet to me, this 'world' I am in still doesn't feel right. It still feels like I am going to wake up. I find the world around me confusing. I have little concept of time. Everyone around me assesses me as being better, as the accident was a long time ago and things must be good, mustn't they? Yet I find life utterly pointless at times. I get emotionally disconnected, side blinded by anything emotional and forgetful over the most stupid of things. Any unresolved problem is crippling.
When I try and tell anyone what its like I get faced with 'yeah I forget things all the time' or ' yeah I get tired' but they don't realise that I know two feelings; bad memory and tiredness that is normal, and bad memories and tiredness that is new, post accident. Will anyone every understand? No. Why? Well why should they?.
I can't separate whether I have done something or something I should do. An old friend of ours died suddenly recently of a brain haemorrhage which is so tragic and I really do feel for her family. But I know this sounds self centered, it makes things even harder for me as people just say things like 'you are so lucky, could have been so much worse', which is true, but also belittles where I'm at and makes me feel even more isolated.
The world keeps turning yet I am left behind, and people on that world don't know what it's like to fall off.