So here I am. 5 months after my apparent brain injury. Why do I say apparent? Because I have no memory of it. To cut a long story short, I have absolutely no recollection of anything in July as a result. I remember July 28th as that is the day I recall being here. Prior to that (i.e. the whole of July) nothing. The doctors don't believe me so why should I. They say if had that level of post traumatic amnesia I would be bed ridden, so I must be getting something wrong or I'm not being frank with them.
I'm back at work and 'lucky'. I can walk, talk, tie my own shoes laces, and hold down a job. Yet to me, this 'world' I am in still doesn't feel right. It still feels like I am going to wake up. I find the world around me confusing. I have little concept of time. Everyone around me assesses me as being better, as the accident was a long time ago and things must be good, mustn't they? Yet I find life utterly pointless at times. I get emotionally disconnected, side blinded by anything emotional and forgetful over the most stupid of things. Any unresolved problem is crippling.
When I try and tell anyone what its like I get faced with 'yeah I forget things all the time' or ' yeah I get tired' but they don't realise that I know two feelings; bad memory and tiredness that is normal, and bad memories and tiredness that is new, post accident. Will anyone every understand? No. Why? Well why should they?.
I can't separate whether I have done something or something I should do. An old friend of ours died suddenly recently of a brain haemorrhage which is so tragic and I really do feel for her family. But I know this sounds self centered, it makes things even harder for me as people just say things like 'you are so lucky, could have been so much worse', which is true, but also belittles where I'm at and makes me feel even more isolated.
The world keeps turning yet I am left behind, and people on that world don't know what it's like to fall off.
I read your story and many of the people that do not understand you are not in tune with compassion for others. I feel your pain and unresolved issues that cripple you. It is to say the least that I am here and reading your story and taking just a small bit of my life to let you know that you are being heard and from this small corner of the world, I feel like I do understand you. This world today no one wants to be patient or take time for healing. When something tragic happens we are healing everyday and it takes time and will be like this for the rest of the time we are here. The world needs to slow down and realize that there are different levels of being ok, not just one but many and sometimes we are still trying to reach the point that we lost. But, unfortunately sometimes we can never make it back. I say unfortunately because I understand that there are many that would love to have that back. Still some are ok with who they are now. It just depends. I am not an expert just someone that cares for others and even though my soul mate is not with me now due to his injuries etc. I hope I can reach out to others that may be feeling like him.
Thankyou so much. That small bit of time you have given means so much and it makes such a difference from people who understand. My perspective has changed and to be honest, in some respects I think for the better. I've always cared about people but this has taken away any barriers I may have had. I find it hard to understand why people get so caught up with things rather than people. I'm genuinely sorry to hear about your soul mate. That must be crushing. I really feel for you. You have reached out and it's really appreciated. This post brain injury thing fluctuates so much and your words have made me feel so much better than when I wrote it, so thankyou.
He was hurt July 31, 2014. That day is always in my mind. But I have no idea how things are for him because we have not been able to spend a moment of time together since he was hospitalized. He is doing well from pictures that his family share online. But as far as inside I do not know. I am happy that things are getting better and I do realize that fluctuations take place, that is usually with everything in life. So, keep on keeping on! WE all get overwhelmed sometimes.