Ain't posted in a while : hi, hubby had tbi nearly... - Headway

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Ain't posted in a while

Tgirl79
Tgirl79

hi, hubby had tbi nearly 4 months ago, been home 7 weeks now, things are stressful at times, just wanted some advice really from fellow tbi survivors or family, time conception is an issue atm, maybe because he was in an induced coma for 3 weeks, things have to happen when he wants them to or he argues with us quite a lot, but really struggling atm, got 4 children so try not to let it upset me, feel like i can't cope, tia

8 Replies

Hi Tia! All I can say is hang in there as things do get better with time and help. After my accident I was in a coma for 3 weeks and spent 7 months in hospital. I'm now about 21 months post accident and things are slowly coming together. Does he have community care and support? You have to try and look after yourself and I know that's easier said than done but my wife found counselling was of a great help for her. If you have any questions feel free to get in touch.

All the best

Neil

Tgirl79
Tgirl79 in reply to Dougieunited

Hi neil, thanks for your reply I know it's gonna take time but feel like we're going round in circles, we've had no support or nothing since he came home, got a speech therapist coming tomorrow and got his follow up appt, dunno if counselling will help as I get very emotional just thinking about talking to anyone.

Hi Tia. This is the story we hear often on Headway and the answers are always the same.............'It's early days' & 'It does get better'. These are the facts of living with brain injury, but coping with your husband's issues and 4 children must be a terrible strain.

If you're to survive this period of adjustment you need some respite, if only for an hour or so each week ; some time which is yours alone to lick your wounds and take stock. Please consider Dougie's suggestion of counselling.

Never mind that the flood gates might open when you tell another person how desperate you're feeling ; keeping such hurtful stuff to yourself is unhealthy and draining. And whereas spilling it out and bawling uncontrollably may be draining at first, it's great for freeing up much needed space in the brain for thinking more clearly and taking back control.

Why not phone the helpline for advice on getting the help you obviously need m'love. The number is 0808 800 2244 (weekdays/free calls).

We're always here Tia if you need to talk. Cat x

Cat3 puts it perfectly - unfortunately it will take time and slowly at times. It can be very frustrating and counselling may offer you that support. Crying is not a weakness but a release. You sound like you’re desperate to hold it together but you need a release and support and help too. It’s so difficult when things have changed but you have to carry on with all the things you did before and when things have changed. You’re husband probably insists on immediately because he feels like that’s when he remembers. He wants things to happen before he forgets. It’s very annoying when you fear you will not remember so feel you have to seize it whilst your brain remembers. I write many more lists and things I want to do down so when I can’t remember what I was thinking. I don’t know if that may help your husband. He may feel he won’t remember he’s written it down initially. Sending you a big hug and keep in touch let’s us know how you get on.

I feel for you , it takes a while I was horrible to my partner he was marvellous and still is but my daughters couldn’t cope and all 3 abandoned me . Stick with him it may take a year or so , all the best to you xxx

Hi Tia, I have virtually no concept of time since my TBI in 2011. I set alarms when out at work to remind me when I have been out for an hour. It does cause friction in the home when I do things when I am ready as opposed to the time everyone else exists on but the anxiety and draining of my energy that it takes to try and keep up with the non TBIers is impossible. Also it took me a long time to be able to process my feelings and articulate them in a calm manner.

Hi I had my tbi 23 years ago, unfortunately my moods are still bad. My sister brought up my daughter who was 18 months at the time of my accident. When I returner from my rehabilitation hospital into my home she came to live with me. Unfortunately she dislikes me as I loose my temper so much never with my daughter but often with my husband. My husband who has been with me most of the time in now divorcing me because of my temper, so I have to start again with my life. A relationship is vital but this relationship needs to be constant. Is your husband receiving any help or going to meetings. I refused to go now I think if I had I would not of taken my disability out on my husband maybe he would not be divorcing me. You need to accept the new person your partner has become. You need to adapt like he has to. A least you can escape alone when you want to. Can your partner??

I’m so sorry you’re struggling but it’s completely understandable. Managing four children and the care of your husband is an immense strain. I have a couple of bits of advice which may or may not help.

After my TBI I found if very difficult to know what day of the week it was and also what time of day. All my routine of work had gone out the window. Being used to a structure helps organise the day into more sensible chunks for me now.

Try writing out an agreed timetable for each day of the week and pin it up in your kitchen. If your husband has a plan of what’s happening and when it’s happening each day - he may find it less necessary to make demands - especially if you sit down with him and construct the weekly / daily plan. I still find myself ‘floundering’ some days when I have no job to go to and nothing to thibk about.

Set audio reminders on your phone (or his / or both) that indicate when someone is due to happen. If he asks about something he feels needs to be done / you can refer to the phone alarm and say it’s not time yet. That may not be appropriate for your circumstances but it helped me during the first year or two and I still have phone reminders for lots of things.

I don’t know if your husband is able to access neuropsychology but I would ask your G.P. to urgently refer him for this and see if you can enlist third party support with all these issues.

As Cat suggests- try to get regular set respite days put in place for yourself - it will help in the long term as well as the short term.

My husband tends to take the himourous approach in dealing with me now, and sometimes it has made me cross but mostly when I thibk about things I readlise that life is very different now and we may as well laugh about it all as cry about it if we can. Please let us know how you’re getting along. x

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