I’ve had this injured, depressed brain for so many years now… no matter how i try and get better, it never does. I can’t really face living with this for the rest of my life. it ruins everything I do. So, so fed up with it all.
Have spent another weekend alone living with this, with no one to talk to really. Have been out and about but it affects EVERYTHING. feel like my life is ruined and i’ll never get any of the things i need… friends, partner, happiness…. it’s all too much.
A feel in the same boat mate your not alone ,some days just i just wish it was over .it effects everything, socialising, balance, memory,walking and been not able to move on wer stuck in the past .life was good but will never be the same .People don't understand brain injury even some Dr's. It's hard mate just dig deep gods not finished with us 🙏 yet
So sad to read this. I'm really new to living with brain damage and at tge the moment just focusing on getting help sorted. Really hope you're situation improves very soon . You take care.
Sorry that you're in such a bad place D. Keep talking to whoever you can even if it's the phone lines like Headway and the Samaritans. With the right help depression can and does lift, and with help you can start focusing more on what you can do, rather than what is lost - not easy to do at the time I know - but there's probably not a person on here who's life hasn't been upended by brain injury, so you're in good company here.
Really sorry you are feeling this way. Been there. It is real - and pretty horrible.
It really will never get back to where it was - because where you are right now is a place which very few people get to, and pull through. You won't be exactly the same again. Who knows if you will have it in you to be someone far far better?
If you are reaching out here, then you are on your way to pulling through. Well done for posting. Talk to someone on Headway. Maybe even the Samaritans. I am in the stage after this - but still visiting the site and commenting.
Actually, acceptance of change is REALLY hard.
But to say that you will never find anyone to share your life is also saying there is nobody who has the imagination to see where you are and what you have to put up with, who can see the good, positive sides of you . . . that is a loss of faith in the whole world out there, isn't it.
Please don't write off the rest of the world. There are good people out there.
The newspapers are not right - they don't talk about the good things that happen. There is good news out there, try - positive.news/ - they post some of it.
I don't know you, and so can't suggest things which will work. I started by putting up a word document, and just logging what I do. It turned out to be more than what i thought I did. And each day it was something more, and one new thing. Then I started coming on to this platform, and seeking support and asking questions. Today's list will include writing this to you.
Step by step. There are many of us walking this road. As someone said before me, there is more of life to live.
Just one step at a time, to get out of this current frame of mind.
I saw on a TV programme "When you are going through hell, KEEP GOING - you'll come out the other end, really you will. Even hell is limited. 
" That felt right.
And I can now watch TV..... without feeling it is too loud, or too difficult to follow. I can more or less follow a plot. Not always - there are days when I am just too tired.
It will get better for you too.
Thanks, i appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.
i’ve been thinking about your point about losing faith in the whole world… i think i have lost all faith in myself, as my thinking and emotional capability has been affected by all this. And i womder who the hell would want to get into a loving relationship with me with these problems. i worry about ruining someone else’s life if they get into a relationship with me and just making them miserable, just like i am. I just don’t know how it can work and i’m scared about missing out on it all.
i know you don’t have the answers but i wanted to try and explain my fears.
Well, there you go, Dann2. You're off to a great start. Its not the world, it is YOU that you have lost faith in. It took me a while to figure this out. If you are observing yourself, and adjusting what you need, in the microcosm, that is a huge step forward. I can't answer who would choose to be with you - I don't know them - and I don't know you. But I could take a hefty bet that someone will - if they notice first the very stable, kind and compassionate relationship which you have built with YOURSELF. That gives someone else hope that being around you, they can have a few spoonfuls of that too. Resilience is truly attractive.
I don't have answers which will suit you. But I can share the next steps for me, which were:
1) I can't be the only one who is feeling like this - there must be others who have experienced some injury on the head.
2) Lets see where these others, if there are any, hang out. Found this. (More accurately, this found me in a roundabout way - another story.) It has been a life-saver.
3) Started logging the stuff I do - in the spirit of 'lets see what I actually do, instead of saying 'oh I haven't done anything useful all day'. Lets get some empirical stuff into the equation. Never mind what kind of pain I am being to the rest of the family.
4) First question I asked on this platform was : what exactly is rest? Was it Painting Girl, or Leaf, or someone else - told me exactly what to do. Ten minutes an hour brain break, and an hours sleep in the morning and one in the afternoon. Ten days running. Just turned it around, really, just the routine. In the spirit of 'lets see if this works' - something has got to work.
5) Then you see me now - still getting it wrong. Still having to go back to my hours sleep, then up and doing something small, then putting some water in, and doing another something small.....
Your fears are real - good questions. Note those questions, and stuff them on a top shelf. There are interim things to put in place. If you don't get at least 45 minutes clear-headed time at any time in any day, you won't be able to plan. First get yourself a couple of slots of 45 minutes. Then go from there.
As I said, step by step. Big questions are identified as such, written down, and put on a top shelf.
The rule is : small steps only. That seems to be what is working for me.
See if it works for you. Good luck.
What Medication are you on
I'm with Sifu on this. What you describe sounds like clinical depression. I know brain injury can bring us to dark places but I found that antidepressants really were the light at the end of that never-ending dark tunnel.
I still struggle with mobility and isolation and have down days, but at least I can have a really good laugh with family, usually over the phone or on their occasional visits, and even when alone I can have good days as I'm able to feel positive about stuff and appreciate nature, certain tv programs or stuff online.
Are you prescribed any meds Dann ? x
thanks, yeah i’ve been on citalopram and sertraline before and also tried amytryptiline (but that gave me horrible heart palpitations). SSRIs haven’t made much difference to me in the past, so currently not on any meds. GP also wanted me to try beta blockers but haven’t done this yet as worried about their side effects.
Finding the SSRI which worked for me was a long process. Looking back it was a horrible period of trial & error and thinking nothing would ever work for me.
SSRIs take time to assimilate, meaning it can be a long haul if the first aren't compatible with our own brain chemistry. I tried many, for 2 months at a time ; Sertraline, Reboxetin Venlafaxine, Prozak, Citalopram .....
Paroxetine worked within 2 weeks for me, with no side effects, giving me back quality of life (& an end to crippling panic attacks). But others I know can't tolerate them. It's a lottery. But finding the 'one' can be life affirming.
I know antidepressants are a no-no for some folk but, for deep, immovable depression, they can be life changing. I see them as a tool for correcting deficiencies in brain chemicals where years of other methods have failed.
Depression was the bane of my life 'til I reached 40 and I feel so bad for others who can't shake it off.... 😔x
Sorry to read you are feeling so bad. I just wanted to say that others replies here are very good and you are very worthy of exploring possible routes to alleviate bleakness.
I just wanted to say that I was trapped in despair and depression and panic attacks for about 7 years after TBI, and then a nutritionist had me try taking GABA (TBI can reduce GABA) and the despair and depression let up almost immediately. It was a horrible time stuck there, and I feel for you. Don't give up, something will change for you.
Another stage in the process?
Another day, same old story 
More than another day.
Another Cranioplasty 
