I posted six days ago about a strange dream that I had before going to ride again and didn't ride the following day because of the dream and how I felt. Had a similar dream last night and I was meant to ride today. Again woke up and thought I was back in hospital immediately after the accident, couldn't get back to sleep as I felt really frightened again and a little confused.
Im sure its because I was loaded up and going to ride again today and I went to sleep thinking about it. I was excited and really looking forward to it last night but this morning was a different storey.
I was ok this morning but really tired and felt a little brain fatigued. The day was ok though but just felt frightened again, frightened to ride.
Im wondering if its my brain working through what happened in May and trying to make sense of it all. Thinking back it was pretty awful as I recall, thought I was ok and I clearly wasn't. I feel I need to ride and get this block out in the open but it seems my brain has other ideas. Im sure time will be a good healer here but I'm a little scared of how I feel.
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MXman
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Although I came of the bike 50 years ago and went onto riding motor bikes some years later I have had the occasional dream similar to yours
I knew I am never going to ride a bike again @ my age wierd
If you were preparing to ride again it's only natural that your brain will be struggling to process an idea which will be conflicting with its normal survival instinct.
Its recent memory is of a bike causing great trauma, so I'm not surprised there's conflict and fear going on in there !
You need to create good memories to occupy that thinking machine ; it's all about rebuilding of confidence and re-learning that riding can be safe and enjoyable. So it's a matter of leading with the body & hoping the brain will get the message and stop fretting.
Get out there ; ride safely and start consigning the accident to history.
Thanks Emma. There's a note from me somewhere asking you for an update (when you're feeling up to it)........................can't remember where now ; lost in a list of comments elsewhere.
Riding is obviously really important to you but REALLY!!!! Just 5 months after your TBI your brain is still in repair mode for the necessities.
Can you plan or do a check list.?
How is your balance and can you process the information as its coming at you at speed?
You could try talking to your OT if you have one to help you plan and prepare for a ride.
It is always good to have a goal to aim for just be aware that some are farther away than others and this one may be saved for a year or so in the future.
Seriously wishing you peaceful dreams from now on.
I rode again about 8 weeks ago and it just wasn't the same as I wasn't ready and it was awful. Its funny because I felt great yesterday and ready but it must be when I'm trying to sleep or sleeping that the argument goes on. Brain fatigue has and is still a big problem for me so Ill just have to accept it and take it slowly.
Im trying to keep the same routine that I used to do before riding and suppose Its the same but I still think I'm the same and I'm not. Iv really noticed a change In me since the accident and I wish I could have the same person back, so does my wife and kids.
Its really tough to talk about it at the moment with my family because they just don't understand, My emotions and feelings have changed too which is really difficult as I know what I was like and how I cared but now I just don't... Sorry bit of a rant but I'm being honest. My wife went out tonight with her friend and I really didn't care as I didn't say "have a nice time" or anything, why is that? Why don't I really care? Is it the BI? well I used to care and be loving and caring before the accident but now I'm not. Is this a personality change, disorder? can I get help for it? Is it normal? Im asking my own questions and the answer is speak to the people at headway and maybe they will have some answers but I do get them on here. Is it normal after a BI to have these feelings and changes? Im sure it is.
I think many of us are familiar with what you are feeling. I prefer to think of it this way.....you do care but right now all of your energy and emotion are completely swallowed up in the fight to make as much progress as quickly as you can.
The Headway leaflets can help family members understand what is happening so much better than we often can.
There are, unfortunately, no guarantees that you will ever get all of the old you back but it is FAR FAR too early to even think like that.
My family and I have read many Headway leaflets but its time to pay the local office a visit and have a good chat. I know about progress and know its to early to look at what could or couldn't be its just really frustrating sometimes. XX
Would just reiterate what most people have said so far - give yourself time and perhaps a " new improved " you may emerge.( I'm hopeful though know I am not there yet ) It's still really early days for you .
I know I have flashbacks to the time of my seizures/ hospitalisation / diagnosis time and have found it difficult to return to some of the places just prior and post that time ... but have "forced" myself to go - and demystify/ face the place/ people .... which was hard but now I can take the car to the garage OK for instance .... shame it coincides with MOT dut there we are ....
Wonder if you might be able to go out on the bike more for pleasure - less under pressure - wonder if that might help ?
Thanks moo. Yes your right I have to accept it and get on with it. Feel great this morning though. I just need to try and forgery about the past and look toward the future and stop worrying, easy todo with our a BI i know. Im sure this won't be the last bad dream or feeling frightened time. I never used to think about it just got up and rode and rode well, I see myself analysing it all now. Suppose its the not knowing how and what happened in the accident.
Anyway onwards and upwards as I keep saying. Have a fantastic Sunday. N
That's the bugger that's bent me over into booking in to see my GP, who will ask me if I'm 'a bit weepy', because that's his go-to response to women... I had a really settled period, where I was disturbingly calm, and accepting of what I could/couldn't do, but that's sort of evaporated, and I'm back to swinging between frustratingly paralysing, but entirely irrational panic, and wanting to kick the head clean off the next person who asks me a stupid question.
Just letting you know, yet again, that you're not on your own, we process, we peak, we trough, it's not in our nature to flatline. x
Hi Mx, you wrote "I rode again about 8 weeks ago and it just wasn't the same as I wasn't ready and it was awful". May I say just a simple well done. You did it! You rode again. Let go of the expectation of it being the same as before. Trust your instinct when to ride - sounds like you are doing this - don't go if its not right.
Don't not go because you want the whole adrenaline kick like before. Pop round the block. Pop to your favourite forest or viewpoint on a 10 minute short journey on safe wide roads, sit with your bike, look at it, all peaceful in your favourite spot, fall in love again, with your moments of joy that your bike gave to you, some will be clearer than others, remember where you bought your first bike, your first ride etc... focus on bringing the fun good times forward, the sounds, the smells, the laughter of going together someplace with others. Re-fall in love with your bike again. Start your new relationship! Sounds odd - in reality it is a conscious reconnecting of positive memories available related to this subject area. Repeat a short journey several times. You might find you want to ride further than 10 minutes after 3-4 times.
You wrote "Again woke up and thought I was back in hospital immediately after the accident". So this is a sort of PTSD - its trying to compartmentalise this memory and it doesn't fit anywhere - so it keeps coming back up. Please file me. I don't accept this memory, no go away, please file me, no go away, it hurt. etc etc.
This is the brave bit. Go make a cup of tea and read the following.
Place hands around warm tea! Close eyes. Breathe deeply into your belly. That means pushing your belly out to take in air. Three deep breaths to re-load oxygen in blood to induce relaxation.
Take self back to waking up in hospital. Take your mind back to the bed you were in. See yourself lying there, watch yourself. Watch the nurses and visitors coming and going. BREATHE deeply 3 times. See the injured you. Send yourself love. Wrap the you in front of you in a big warm hug. Let the tears fall. BREATHE 3 times.
Now using your childlike imagination as best you can - See your injured self leap out of the hospital bed, place a cloak on your back with superman written on it, pull on all of your childhood hero's and take all of their super powers all at once. See yourself instantaneously heal all your injuries just like a super hero, see yourself whole, happy, flying around the hospital ward, kissing all the nurses, dancing on the hospital food, jigging to the toilet down the hallway to the sounds of your favourite music. Hang balloons around the bed, place banners above your bed saying congratulations you are healed.
This is the important bit. When you see this mad happy scene going on with sounds, smells, your favourite food being served up by the nurses, move your viewpoint from the observer, and jump into the body that is on the hospital bed.
3 DEEP BREATHS.
Quiet the mind. Hear your favourite music. Taste the afters of your favourite food in your mouth. Feel the super powers of your childhood hero's running through the veins in your body. Sense the touch of the nurses as they go about their work. See the balloons around your bed, any visitors surrounding you laughing and celebrating the hero that you are.
3 DEEP BREATHS.
Now move your attention back to the observer. By now you will be tired - emotionally tired. Watch yourself lying in the bed, going to sleep. Feel a great sense of gratefulness for being given a second chance. Say well done me.
Come back to your cup of tea. Sip, gulp the warmth of the tea, allow it to soothe your hurts and invigorate the super hero qualities that you have. Give yourself a big hug with your arms! Everything will be ok.
This technique is called reframing the past. Using the imagination in this way helps us to find a place to file the memory. It can be refilled later in its correct place. For now, file it with balloons, your favourite music, food, memories.
Good luck. This may sound absolutely crazy! As an exercise, it is incredibly powerful. The child that is the injured brain requires direction. Give it familiar feelings and memories made in your earliest 7 years of your life if you have access to those. If you have no access, ask your loved ones what your favourite music is, which particular tune, which foods, which tastes etc.
Let me know how you go - even if it didn't work, be interested to see if you found it useful or not.
Wow that was strange. It took me right back to when I was 7 as you said... Ill let you know how I feel on Wednesday as I'm riding then. Thank you so much for this exercise as I can see how re framing the past sorts the mind out and files it. All I can see now are balloons. Ill keep you posted. N
You are very brave to have embraced this exercise. I'm sure you will be rewarded for your courage and hard work in manually reconnecting brain networks to bring some semblance of organisation. Look forward to reading your news.
Thank you for your detailed reply, I will give it a try and let you know. I completely understand what you mean especially the child imagination part. Ill give it a go. N
Agree with Cat but also I'd sit back and not rush to ride again because it seems you're not ready and what's the rush?
Take more time, don't plan too far ahead and enjoy living in the present, then suddenly one day you'll go for a ride that was unplanned but just seems the right time to do it.
I've stopped planning my life out in advance and the furthest I plan ahead is 1 week. It has stopped all unnecessary processing or worrying so there's less load on the brain overall.
Take care and enjoy recovery, it can be a restful and rejuvenating experience.
Yes agree Ash I live one day at a time and always have but I do have to plan my work schedule which can take its toll. Im sure it will happen when I'm ready. N
Another idea to reframe...is there any such thing as an advanced driving course for motorbikes? I know when my mum wrote off 2 cars in the space of a month 😯 many years ago she thought she would never gret behind the wheel again. The advanced driver course gave her a different way to think about driving and restored her confidence.
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