My Mom died around 12.30 (lunchtime) .She had some health issues and it wasn't expected.
Some kind of event, not sure what.
Part of me wants to scream myself silly.
And I have to adult. I don't wanna.
I promised her I would be OK. She's been worried what would happen to me when she died. (No pussyfootong around the word for her.)
By the time I got there she was unresponsive, though I know she could hear me and see me and felt more relaxed with me there.
The nurse told me her breathing wasn't hurting her though it didn't sound great, and she wasn't in pain - no furrowed brow.
It helps it was a peaceful end that was relatively fast.
She had a health issue but they told me she would slip into a coma for 2 or 3 weeks at some point, but that wasn't expected. For awhile yet. That didn't happen.
Could really use a kind word or a pat on the head.
Tough day at earth school.
Please and thank you.
Leaf
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Leaf100
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Hi Leaf, sorry for your loss.
Have a scream, have a cry, let it all out and then cherish the precious times you had together.
Thank you PV. One can't fight these things, it seems to make it worse, though I do wonder how much the physical part of emotion triggers- and by that I mean tension and additional inflammation in the head and neck area.
I feel there is so much study onto bi that really needs doing that I doubt is being done.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss .. sending a big hug 🫂 I do hope there is someone close to you that you can talk to … it is the only thing that we actually know will happen yet non of us how or understand how we will feel … usually a mixture of every emotion there is … I hate the words time heals as it seems to diminish such a life changing experience and loss .. but I do believe with time comes a way of learning to deal with just about anything .. ..I am so pleased that your mum passed away peacefully .. keep posting on here as we all maybe dotted around this planet but we all do care ..Sue x
My social circle is very small since the injury and I did take your advice. I reached out to a couple I was in the once annual letter category with, as they had had a family loss. They live a long way away from me, and that hasn't stopped some good conversations on the phone which are bringing us closer.
They are also moving closer - though in Canada that means instead of 2000 km, down to 750 km, which is still no easy distance. Flights are not inexpensive here. Luckily one some of their parents are in town so I will get to see them a bit more often.
I am also told there are some group grief counseling sessions for a year so I just have yo track them down. Mom knew about them and wanted me to do them - I am not sure how I am in groups and I will try. Up until now I have only done zoom groups. Worth a try though.
It will be easier to see your friends if they are closer .. chatting on zoom is good but for me face to face is the best .. mums advice about counselling was a good shout .. quite often we think we don’t need it but with having it it can help you so much .. take care speak soon .Sue x
So sorry Leaf. Losing one's mum is a massive milestone, and the loneliest feeling ever. I guess it's only our own basic survival instinct which gets us through ....and some TLC from others.
Thanks so much, Cat. I did see something somewhere that says it actually literally changes your brain.
I am cycling through fear, flight, freeze...though seemingly holding it together. Emotions are something I really struggle to process since the bi - they are there though often less direct and literally can cause physical pain.
I could ask you to take consolation in the fact you were with your mum and that she died peacefully, but nothing eases the pain of such loss, despite the circumstances, does it Leaf ?
I learned a couple of hours after my mum died that she'd been phoning me on my landline whilst struggling with a fatal heart attack (in the 1990s, prior to mobile phones) and I was devastated.
It still haunts me that I'd been with her the previous day, chatting, laughing and sharing her home-cooked fish & chips, yet the following day she couldn't get to speak with me and I didn't get to her.
Over the next 12 months I had weekly counselling and, though I insisted "Talking just won't cut it", in fact the talking helped provide some semblance of acceptance. And that whole process seemed to have 'honoured' my mum somehow. It did help.
I guess the pain only becomes more tolerable as our brains adapt to the new reality, but a reality which any brain will struggle to make peace with.
Please talk here as much as you need to m'dear.....
Oh cat3, I am so sorry you went both through that... of course you would be devastated... an event to learn to live with... not an easy thing...
This dying thing is not easy. Not by a long shot.
In Mom's case I was concerned she would try to tough it out on her own, without telling me, in a misguided idea that it somehow protected me. She was very strong minded.
I told her it was my wish to be there, that I needed to be there... I don't know how much that may or may not have impacted the outcome.
I do realize how fortunate Mom and I were, that I could be there and the medical care could keep her comfortable - even though she was mostly non responsive and it sure was nothing like the movies- she couldn't speak or even grasp my hand.
Luckily we had talked so much before I feel we were good, but if course I will never know if there was something she wanted to say, but couldn't. And of course I think more things I would like to ask her... or tell her... it's human.
Even with so much to be grateful for, I still need the counseling and will get down to looking for it,
Thanks for understanding my need to talk and I sure will.
I find it's time to pick up her ashes and I do not want to - part of me feels like it won't be true if I don't pick them up.
A lot of this feels like the brain has no room on the shelf of possibilities for this.
Talking through this level of loss can feel superfluous, when only a miracle could ease such pain. We're basically reliant on our brain's ability to translate the unthinkable into something more manageable, but what a long & precarious process.
I'm with you on denial Leaf. It was my sister in law who phoned, in tears, with the news of my mum's death. I filled a bucket with hot, soapy water and washed the kitchen floor with some gusto ; our poor brains will try anything to make it go away.
I guess we have to go through the motions of practical stuff in a daze ; you'll pick up your mum's ashes and it'll be harrowing. But I do believe that things which don't kill us making us stronger ; it's just so unbelievably hard though isn't it...
I still miss my mum when I need a strong, no nonsense friend, and to simply have her back here as my lovely mum. But we do survive the loss ; it's just far too early for you to believe that m'love....
Sending lots of strength to you. What a difficult time. I hope you have people there for you. I liked that you just asked us for what you need. Maybe you could tell us something about your mum, like did she have a hobby she loved or a favourite meal or a beloved pet or something. So we can think of her enjoying that thing.
Mom used to think she wasn't a fussy eater ...she was, it's just when she cooked for herself it was all to her taste and adjusted to her health over the years.
She had looked after my pets (birds) for a few years after the accident and so they love her a lot. (Well the one remaining one does. She is at the vet's for a few days luckily so she has been having good care. They love her - she has them wrapped around her little finger.)
She was always a going concern, sharp , very observant, generally kind though if you crossed her or tried to get away with anything she was not shy about how she dealt with you.
Also extremely sensitive and had some anxiety issues I luckily did not inherit - though if course the general health system will insist you are anxious when you have a bi - it seems expected and you just have to let them pigeon hole you that way.
She used to volunteer a lot. At one time she was volunteering for a thrift store and they were throwing a lot of things out, so she started a few plans. She got the old towels/blankets that didn't sell to the animal shelter, she would get wool going to the community knitters who did baby hats and lap blankets - then she rounded them up again to get them where they needed to go. Here every baby leaves the hospital in a baby hat provided by volunteer knitters. The lap blankets went to care homes. She got a lot of stressed or newly bereaved people into knitting - she joined a widows group many years ago when Dad died. Sadly that group folded...the young ones don't seem to be interested in keeping things going, or at least don't have a clue how to run it sustainably.
Anyway she did a lot for the community over the years.
I may try knitting myself though I am not sure how my brain will do. It would be good therapy for my hands and brain, and she still has a bit of wool stuffed in the cupboard. She knit literally thousands of baby hats over the years. When she first got into it she was doing 100 a month just on her own.
She was also a lot better with people than I am, she picked up a lot about them just by watching and casual conversation, and knew a lot more than they thought they had revealed. Things like if they were 7 month babies, or if there was some doubt about paternity, if they had some childhood trauma, or a couple was on the divorce train.. 3 to 5 years ahead she would know. She wasn't mean or a gossip about it she would just sometimes say oh watch out for this or that as that person has had x happens to them and so they are likely to react y or maybe so and so needs an extra kind work in this or that situation. And I would think how could you know that? And then it would happen as she said. Or , in cases where they were a friend you would find out it was exactly as Mom had said. Kind of like Miss Marple without the murder bit, I guess.
She was also quite shy socially without something to sink her teeth into, and really a very private person on many ways. I feel really I was only starting to get to know her.
The brain injury takes so much from us. In my case it was doing things with Mom I would have done otherwise, like going on some trips with her or being able to help her more, also missing out on her sense of humour as I got quite literal and couldn't keep up - she could really zing along and sometimes be very dry and deadpan. And I would have had more money to do things for her. Anyway that all is what it is. And I have done what I can for her/had.the ability to do. She sometimes said it was impossible to be mad at me because I tried so hard. She did eventually start to get the bi fallout though it took time.
Yes, it has done me good to talk about her.
She's really the person who has cared about me the most, and the only family member who has given a toss. There would be a huge longing there even without the bi, and with one... well, I don't need to tell you folks how hard it is to find people who get it and don't write you off over it. Though luckily I can pass for normal more easily in some circumstances these days so that will help.
I am so lucky to have had her in my life.
And I will also say I helped her put the anxiety in perspective. She certainly was safe with me and she knew it, she could give up some of her worries.
And she lived looking at all the colours in nature and so did I.
Sending you the very best. When my grandma died there was the same breathing - although it's disconcerting to hear, I think it just means they're winding down, rather than pain. Glad to hear that you were with her.
It's very comforting to know the breathing bit is a thing, or at least one of the things, that just happens as we ...well, wind down.
Yes, being with her was important to me and helps me accept the whole thing.
Sounds like you with your Grandma - so important. She would have known you were there and that would have meant a lot to her. (They told me the person cam sense you are there even if they aren't responsive.)
Sending you lots of hugs and support, remember people are always here for that, no matter what time of day, I bet there's always someone here. Remember the good times, places you've been or talked about going to, the laughs and tears you've shared. Take care.🫂🫂🫂🫂
Thank you for the hugs and the support, and the reminder someone is likely here. The evenings are the worst.I have to stop thinking about it and the business parts that come after.
Mostly I want to clean when I get stressed though I have physical and brainpower limits with that.
Do so sorry for you, my mum died last year unexpectedly and it's awful, scream cry now cos I kept it in for months , then let loose ooops , it's horrible time for you big hugs
It's hard to know how a person is going to react. I feel we go into a kind of shock anyway, the whole fear, flight, freeze thing. And it changes over time.
My Dad died when I was in my 20's and it took a long time to get to where it wasn't coming up often. It's still there in some ways depending on time of year and what's going on.
And of course some of it is coming up again.
I am on the orphan 's bench now. That's another thing.
Hi Leaf, sorry for your loss, I know it’s quite frightening sitting there with your mum but I believe they know we are there and it brings them comfort. I sat with many people in my job when their family hadn’t made it, and it was an honour to be able to hold their hand and reassure them. My mam died, she dropped dead, while my sister was dressing her, we had nursed her for ten years with dementia, I was in work, but I put her to bed the night before and I made her tell me she loved me, even though she didn’t know who I was and I got a pat on the cheek, so leaf remember the happy times, and be grateful you were there to ease your beloved mum, on her journey, take care and sending hugs xx
Hi AlibingoTha k you for your kindness and sharing your story.
Well you just never know, do you?
That is a long time to deal with dementia and your Mom was so lucky to have you all.
The nurse did tell me she knew I was there and I did talk to her some, though I am not a chatter person. Mostly I could reach her shoulder and her cheek - she used to like me putting my hand on her back or shoulder so I was OK with that. I did hold her hand something it was awkward as her arms were weight and she couldn't hold them, so my arm wore out.
I know she was there and could hear me despite her hearing loss and not having her aides in.
I know because she would have been concerned about a couple of things and I told her what I had done so she had no worries. She quite definitely had been tense and just relaxed.
Mostly I was a combo of being relieved to be there because they caught the process happening over night and could have missed the signs... and wanting to make her as comfy as she could be , and a sort of shock.
I repeated things she already knew and also said things I knew she would have said to me if she could have been speaking.
We had talked everything over more or less and had got to the point that anything we may have missed didn't really matter.
Of course there are things that will crop up and that's human. I talk to her anyway and I think I always will.
I actually had the strong impression at the time she left there and came home with me to her comfy chair and her electric blanket.
hi Leaf, I am so sorry to hear about the death of your mum, You are in shock at the moment, so you must be so kind to yourself. you will have days when you are up, or down this is normal. It’s grief and grief comes in many forms., the Bible says there is a time for grieving, there is a time for tears, At the moment you are a open wound, but it’s natural. it is a normal experience of death. when my father died, I saw death lost it’s sting, and from the sound of it that’s what happened with your mum. She just went to sleep.
Never think she has left you, she is there within your heart within your soul and within your memories.You probably numb at this time I do pray that you do have other people around you? Who can help you? I do hope so always remember there’s always somebody here that you can talk to.take care God bless you with love and prayers, Liz.🙏🤗⭐️⭐️
There is some grief counseling available that I have to find out about. My social circle kind of shrunk after the b injury and I am mostly estranged from siblings and they are not trustable..so that's an entirely other thing, though most of it can be left to the lawyer.
I have known I will have to build a social circle at some point. Its not such an easy thing where I live as people are quite cliquey. And I am at an age where people have groups already and they don't add in. Anyway I will sort it out.
So there is some professional help but not much of a more personal nature, if I can put it that way.
I do have a couple if good pen pals over email and they have been very kind.
I do very much appreciate the online support, such as here, as it is a great comfort.
I'm so sorry to hear that Leaf. I can imagine the shock of it is in your head and acting on the rest of your body. Try and relax if you can. You need to think of yourself here, allow the world to carry on as you take a little time off the treadmill if you can.
What you are saying sounds as though your mum passed away in a calm, painless way with her daughter at her side. If I am to pass away, that is the way I would like to go - not sore, with my boy there to gently say good bye. That's not to say that your sadness shouldn't be there. It shows how much you love her and care for her.
I'm thinking of you. My husband lost his mum recently and he still thinks about her now, though as time has gone on, he thinks less and has adjusted. I hope the same thing happens to you X
Thank you Saville, for sharing your experience... you are quite correct about relaxing - I still feel like I need to run away and the monsters are lurking.
I would say say everything you need to each other and trust love wins in the end.
It's so important for is to stick to lived ones and life seems to not be on the side of that so often.
I feel like I have to learn to live without her and that's not so easy. She saw life in a different way and I learned a lot from that. She was often disappointed in life lately though, as people no longer were who she expected in some way. The changes of time? Maybe people were better to each other when there were fewer. I won't get to ask what she thought happened.
So much wisdom and insight there I can't find any more.
I don't think the loss or the hole ever goes away, we just learn to walk around it without falling in.
And I don't know what was going on with her since she was unable to be responsive. All I had to offer was my presence and doing my best to guess at her comfort.
Often one's best is all we have and even though it seems inadequate we have to forgive ourselves that.
My condolences to you and your family, and especially your husband, on the passing if his Mom.
I don't know if any if this makes sense, but anyway.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ve got a tough time ahead… I won’t lie. You’ll probably feel lost, confused, angry. Asking why it all happened so quick when you thought you’d get a longer warning time.
Crying is good. It helps to release emotions. Think about the good times and talk to people about your mum, what she was like, things you did, what made her laugh or smile. Remember all the good times and don’t dwell on the bad. She passed peacefully and not in pain, that’s a blessing.
The pain does get getter with time, just take each day as it comes.
I hope you have someone to talk to about this and how you feel. If you’re feeling alone you can always post here again, there is always someone here to ‘listen’ and try to help.
I know what I’ve said doesn’t help much at the moment with how you’re feeling, but remember to reach out to us if you need to. We do care and are thinking of you.
Thank you for your consolation and being here, Elaine.I don't feel much like adult ingredients today though there are some things I do have to do.
It's Sunday and so I am mostly saying ti myself ok it's a rest day, I don't have to do anything really. I ran around yesterday to get light bulbs and some stuff I had to do and today I just want to putter and not much else.
Oh Leaf I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum. My sincerest condolences. I’m glad you got to be with her, for your sake and for hers- it sounds like she appreciated that you were there.
Now it’s time to take care of yourself. We’re here for you no matter what and hopefully you can reach out to someone close by too for some comfort and reassurance and sharing all you need to about your mum.
Do what you need to do at a pace that serves you. Take care of you.
Thank you so much for your kind condolences, Trees.
I appreciate you, and everyone, being here.
The grief is a different thing - since the bi all my emotions seem to lurk somewhere deep, and burst out maybe for a short time - measured in seconds or a minute - doesn't seem to be longer. So I'm adjusting to that as well. I have to have a different radar for myself - it isn't that I am not feeling, it just is disconnected somehow/sometimes from the part of me that knows what it means to do about it. I am thinking early on after my injury when a friend was over and she said 'are you cold?' and I said nothing... she said 'look - you have goosebumps, are you cold?' I said "oh, I guess I must be". And then I stood there. And she said 'when you are cold you need to get a coat and put it on'... and I stood there... and then she said 'go get a coat and put it on'. Well it's a bit along those lines. Ah, the bi - the gift that keeps surprising...
And yes, you are very right - it is time to take care of me and I need it. I just have to figure out how to do that...
That must be difficult to contend with, Leaf, the way emotions play out for you in a more concise way now since the bi. And also the way your brain reacts to those emotions, in that you weren’t ‘moved’ to get your jacket even when your friend prompted you.
But I guess the main thing is that you’ve recognised it- and just know that you are still experiencing these emotions, and the grief (and hopefully not getting too caught up in why they aren’t bigger reactions.. ?)
Perhaps find something specific to channel your emotions or grief into, whenever you feel moved by what’s going on, regardless of how long the feelings last. Like a craft project or something? If that’s even something you can manage right now of course. It might help you legitimise your fleeting emotions by turning them into something more concrete? An idea that just came to me.
Anyway, go steady and someone is usually here if you need a listening ear as you know 🥰
So very sorry for your loss, Leaf. Nothing to say - what can anyone say to mitigate the sense of loss? Close your eyes - and assume a huge hug. That was from me.
Platitude coming up - We all have to go some day.
Howl if you need to - this will pass.
Imagine a whole line of us, sitting surrounding you, in those moments when there is nobody actually physically there. Because we are all there - yours is such a frequent name on this platform, you have helped so many people.
Other than that - take physical care of yourself. Eat the foods your mum would have liked to eat, and give yourself a warm bath, with oils and scents. It doesn't change your feelings, but it does help.
'Allow yourself to grieve. Light a candle, and ask her soul to go towards the light'
In this I am quoting something a friend told me to do, when my father passed away. It somehow gave a sense of comfort. Just sharing - not for everyone, I know.
Watch the process with a bit of your mind - the intensity of it will abate, slowly.
Thank you for your kind condolences, Writer. Very much appreciated.
The thing about light - I had got my Mom a lamp with birds on it because she loves birds - some colour to brighten up her spot. Anyway since she passed it seems to glow more brightly when it is on and I have had the sense she is very close when I am near the lamp.
My thoughts for Mom is for her to do what she needs to do in her own time - my hopes and wishes and prayers or however you want to say it are all for her finding love and acceptance where she goes next. I am a pretty simple person and trying to go any further than that is a mind boggle for me. I just know, after doing the identification yesterday for the legalities, whatever made her her is no longer in the body she used to be in. (Yes, yesterday was a bit of a tough day at earth school.)
I think everyone will find what it is that needs to happen - to give themselves comfort and their loved one what they need. I don't believe such bonds can ever really be broken. I feel for whatever reason we just aren't allowed to know or aren't supposed to know.
The rest idea is a good reminder. Sometimes I have to sleep and can do nothing else but, and other times I would like to sleep and feel like I'd rather be running just to be on the move.
There are evidently some grief programs, and if there is one in a venue I can manage I will certainly go.
Perhaps not unexpectedly I find the things I went through after the bi , which was as a result of accident and totally knocked life as I knew it sideways - well I'm finding that somehow that experience helps with this one. I know I have been through a total life change before and I can do it again. As you say, you just have to take it as it comes and not resist, weather the storms and rest up for round 17 and 3/4 or whatever it is next. Or maybe the answer was 32?
😀 Who knows if the answer was 32 leaf? Looks like you are observing. Looks like the light thing resonated. About as good as it will get right now.
Sleep, eat properly, rest when you need to. And yes, that life changing bi experience will I am sure help.
"Cruise" will usually send someone to talk to you if you want some grief counselling. Not organised it recently. I used to be a citizen advocate, many moons ago, so came across them in the late 1990s. Maybe they still exist.
Thank you for your heartfelt condolences, Jim. I appreciate them.
I am so sorry you couldn't be with your Dad because of circumstances at the time.
I truly believe...
there is a place where love remains and any regrets are long forgiven, and seen in the context of imperfect humans in an imperfect world - meaning the important part at the core is the love.
It doesn't mean the grief isn't there, that's it's own thing and it's not easy sometimes. It just, maybe a knowingness...there is something more there we often don't get to see...
hey freind,so very sorry.i guess nothing making much sense to you now?i often wonder what this is all about you know life etc.i mean...tell us about your mam,what was she like,who did she like(or not)!speak about her she is still with you and will always be never forget this leaf....much lovexx
thanks so much for your kind condolences and your words. Yes, you are correct, too many things and they seem to contradict.
A lot of people really loved my Mum, she was super good with children - she worked with the year before school starts. When I went places with her when she could get out we would often run into people who would run right up to her, telling stories about their life, the career they picked because she helped them see who they were in life, introducing their children and even grandchildren... they were so happy to see her. I also remember she had to be in the playground sometimes and some of the older kids from away would try to give her guff, and then all her old students would come running and tell that kid not to mess with her... or else!
And yet, some people didn't really like her and would try to exclude her. I think it was because she could see through their games and they didn't like it.
She was kindly and yet not afraid to give people what for if they weren't appropriate - well deserved when they got it.
A couple of times we went somewhere where there were people we just met and after she would tell me oh watch out for that one and oh that couple - did you see how they treat their two boys differently - it's because x and y happened and now the one has this issue and the other that issue. I thought how could she know that? And then later I would find out it was exactly as she said. (She wasn't a gossip she just told me - I think she was trying to teach me to be observant and to teach me about people.)
The sad thing about her teaching job is when kids were being abused. She reported it one time, and she said all that happened is the kid came to school later in a worse state than ever before - too much stress on the parents. So she tried to make sure the child was learning and not taking stress home to parents instead. Practical.
And, a wicked dry sense of humour. As she got older I had to run interference because some of the docs were so busy looking for dementia they didn't clue in it was a joke - and they were the slow one. So I would start laughing and so would she so the doc could clue in. Took a minute, sometimes. And for me the bi made me quite literal so it took me awhile sometimes too... and I knew her well enough to know when she was kidding. We had a great time with some people who do know how to kid around - the guy who did her dentures was right on the money. He used to book her last because they always went long and the tears would be streaming down our faces by the time we left. Laughed so much my insides hurt...
And yes I do talk to her and likely always will. She seems so close sometimes.
Oh, she also loved watching some sports - like curling and figure skating and the horse races... She said curling was like chess with some extra technical skill required and she'd get up in the middle of the night to watch it.
She also thought she wasn't a fussy eater til she moved in with me. I admit, a good cook I am not. I am passed the stages of scorched, which was where I was after the bi - and still, anything out of my kitchen is basic.
So sorry to hear that your Mum has passed away. Doesn’t matter how old we are when we lose our Mum or Dad it hurts in such a way that it seems moving on an impossible task. It’s the missing of their face and their easy company. Thinking of you. My Heart goes out to you. 🌷
Yes it does seem impossible. I haven't been able to consider fathoming it. Just a bit of a time at a time.
I do have some recordings of her telling some stories and a couple of messages on my answer machine I won't delete. In the future I may be able to listen but I don't think I can now.
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother. Undoubtably a very hard bereavement to suffer whatever age you are. I was 34 when I lost my mam suddenly (within 30 hours of being admitted to hospital) and am now 62. The initial pain, shock and numerous other emotions are quite overwhelming.
Please look after yourself and take time to grieve in whichever way that is. As Dogasabighelp said she will always be with you.
Thank you for your kind words, Nanapal.I also find it overwhelming. I often feel like I'm underwater and holding my breath, painful and numb at the same time. I am never sure what I am going to do.
I crave more company than I have. I am trying to find a bereavement group.
Like many things here, I am told there is one- finding it is another matter.
And I am sure I am probably talking out loud to her in places where I likely shouldn't- but hey, who knows with the types of phones put there these days....well, that sounds like a good story, anyway...
Emotions are such complex things felt by us all but unique to each one of us. I am pleased you are able to write down your feelings here and tell us about your mum. You obviously had a very close mother/daughter bond which comes across in your lovely warm description of her. Each day will bring new challenges as you try to process your grief and talking to her and about her will help get you through these. You have lots of ‘listening ears’ here whenever you need them.
So sorry for your loss Leaf. My own parents are still here currently, although I have lost my in-laws and seen grief through my husband's eyes. Try to be thankful every day that you had the privilege of calling her Mom and remember all the good times you had together. Maybe create a memory box and look often at photos/momentos unless they upset you. She is at peace now and will always be looking out for you from wherever she is. Very best wishes.
Thank you Icd8 , for your kind condolences. I will get there eventually with photos - when I find a few. She tended to avoid getting her photo taken, though I did manage some.
She liked to travel and has a lot of photos, though she isn't in them. Still, they will remind me of he'd curios mind and adventuresome spirit.
Thank you so much everyone, I am back and will be able to read and reply properly, just may take a bit of time.
I sometimes get something that feels like nerve pain - my arms feel like they are falling out if the sockets and comes with burning in the neck and shoulders and a visual disturbance in the corners of my eyes, kind of like turn signals clicking on and off.
Hard to do anything til it settles and I can rest up a bit. And of course just as it settles some things had to be done.
Thank you again for your support , so very deeply appreciated ! Hearing the pings come in - priceless... now I can read them...
Leaf are these new symptoms or are they usual symptoms that are worse since your mum passed away? The reason I ask is the visual disturbance reminds me of a symptom of high anxiety/ c-PTSD. Sounds a bit like tunnel vision? Just making you aware.
I used to get this a lot at a point in time with the injury, when things were mighty stressful.
I do have ptsd, I will look up c-ptsd. It may helpme find some self help - I have no family gp or specialist support anymore, and none is possible. I can co to a walkmin clinic for run of the mill medical things but not these.
My previous specialist thought it was some sort of migraine.
I do know nerves are involved, if I cough too long or hard when I am prone to this I feel like I am
Being electrocuted and the arm thing hits. I had similar when I got bronchitis. It's really hard to take.
I am also going to look into Vegas nerve stuff ans somatic breathing and see a naturopath amd try myo therapy which is covered by the health plan.
Thanks for the idea of looking up that type of ptsd, it's much appreciated.
I am very sorry for your loss. I've read through your replies to folk this morning and learned a lot about your mum and your relationship with her. My heart goes out to you.
You say you feel you didnt really know her and was just learning more. Doesnt that show the remarkableness of her? She had so many feathers to her bow, probably due to how she saw the world, and it meant she could be a lot of things as well as retain some privacy - which is common for an older age group woman IMO.
Your relationship together holds a lot of value and I am not surprised you are feeling so unsure. I think you already know it will be good for you to keep your mum in your life however that may be. Maybe chat to her in words or thoughts whilst you have a cuppa or listen to music. You can talk to your bird about her. To feel her presence will be comforting and fill the mum-shaped space just a little.
As for expressing your feelings, you might not show grief in ways that people expect. Similar to you, I find it painful to feel strong emotions and they stop at a certain point. I am about to start a little project which you might like to try at some point. Journalling. Mine does not include much writing, it is more aesthetic and will include things I come across that I like to look at, with a few thoughts and some poems I like. As I continue I might dedicate a page to a specific thought like each of my family members, my BI, my view of the world etc... Doing this will be expressing my emotions in a different way and securing my own identity which I dont feel strongly. A Journal can be whatever you want it to be.
If Journalling is not for you, could you do something else like:
plant a border for mums memory,
enlarge a photo of her and put next to it an item that is on your mind for speaking to her about, the item(s) can be changed when you feel you have worked through the point you wanted to make or chat about. The visual of the item next to your mums photo will serve as a reminder and help you to continue the conversation (thought process).
Having one place to go to be with one or more people would be beneficial to you, if possible. Easier said than done, I know. The grief sessions sound like a good start. Attending a group session can feel daunting and possibly put you off going. Try and give it a chance. Personally I would introduce yourself exactly as you have on this page by saying you do not feel emotions in the same way and are not sure of your grief trajectory through this. And explain how your mum was there for you with your BI when other people are not and for this reason you will feel her loss very greatly. I hope that by sharing yourself and your relationship with your mum with others who are also reeling from loss of a loved one, you will feel supported.
Other places to go... I hope you find something that you can go to and enjoy even in a small way. Is there a place that offers free talks on different subjects? Something hobby related? Sitting with a child and teaching them to read through a school programme? I know, these things sound hard to organise and at the moment you have a lot on your mind, but in time, an opportunity might come about.
I have noted that how you describe your mum is how you come across on this page. You always have such sound advice and empathy for people with a range of different struggles. I am thinking of you Leaf.
Oh gee, catrabb1t,Thank you for your observation comparing my description of Mom to how I come across, thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
And I do appreciate you think of me, these things matter.
I have tried Journaling as in writing, though it comes and goes. Sometimes I have words and sometimes not.
Art is a good one - anothervthing I can do sometimes and sometimes not.
I have found in this community it is best not to admit you have a brain injury. I have said oh I got hit in the head years ago and now I am a bit neuro divergent, or I may not give the reason for it. I figure people come in all sorts and I just deal with symptoms as they come and say things,might, that's just a little nerve thing that comes and goes - nothing to worry about, or whatever.
I will give the group thing a chance, if I can find one. I have seensome mentioned with no phine number so and I can't find them on am internet search, so I don't know if covid did them in. I appreciate your words of support on this idea. Mom wanted me to go to a,group, she said I would not want to - true - and I should go anyway. She went to one after my father died and said it helped. At that time I started calling her every day. So we have spoken every day for the last 34 years... and she lived with me the last 8 - other , than this short bit in the home.
So of course there is a huge hole there.
I also recently went through the retirement process so that is also a big change. And I havebto do the business bits now and my family is not easy to deal with. It will take at least a year given the tax cycle here.
In the meantime I have to figure out what onnearth to do with myself and to try to get some balance in life.
Funny you have mentioned helping children read, I had thought about that one, too.
It's all just too much processing and to do items all at once.
I get fatigued very easily and also need to work on some health issues.
The other one I have on my list is art therapy as there are some free ones online so I don't have to go anywhere to do them, which is better on the wear and tear but not so good for socialization.
Really appreciate all your ideas, I will let the brain process as it does- in its own sweet time.
Gosh you do have a lot going on with being recently retired. Retirement is a prize and also a toll until the balance to life is found and it can take a long time. It's simply not true that people slide happily in to it, yes there can be great relief but it is also unsettling and adjustments need making.
And I had forgotten about sorting out estate. Forgetting things like this is an example of shock when I realise it just did not feature in my memory. It is hard to do and even harder with family members who you find difficult. It's a bad time for you and there's no other way around it. All I can advise is working hard not to feel anxious about it because your mood will plummet and you will need more time to recover from the communications. Anxiety is awful when fatigued.
I like the sound of the online art therapy sessions you mentioned. You have a lot on your plate but perhaps that is something you could start with to have one thing with another person that provides a routine and an outlet.
Grief counselling might be best in 3 months time when things stop moving so fast so for you? Only you know when the right time to go is.
I recall now that in the past you wrote about not being open about BI. Yes I get it. I am still too trusting because I forget this and I see the change in a persons eyes if I mention it. In the first two years I would share it as it came out almost involuntarily, but now I do not do that as often and it protects me more. Certainly nobody knows what to say in response anyway so there is little point. Not all parents get it and your mum was very attentive to you in this regard. At the grief group you can explain that you shared a special bond with your mum who seemed to understand your difficulties. To have had great love and understanding with your mum is really special.
Like you, I also feel I do not fully know my mum and I think the privacy they hold on to is of their generation maybe. I know her very well in many ways, but in others she is a mystery. yet she is not a mysterious woman, she is in fact happy with the simple things in life. Perhaps what I describe is a difference in our own characteristics... Perhaps this is the same for you and your mum who you described as not fully knowing her.
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Emotion...?
L'Oreal research into beauty and ageing
Setback.
⁹Relationship ending, unsure what to do. Any advice is most welcome
