a long story

Hello everyone, just jules here.

Are you all doing alright ?

I have called my post 'a long story' because it is. I wont be offended if you cant be bothered to read it all. Just needed to put pen to paper and think through things. I promise my next post will not be moaning.

I have moved my desk and computer into the shower room. Its got tiled walls so I used blue tac for my calendar. I had to pull the desk and draws apart to fit them in, destroyed beyond repair. I finished my move into the shower room about 30 minutes ago (after slamming the giant tin of Chappie dog food so hard on the kitchen bench it collapsed the bottom of the tin. Quite remarkable for a 5.3 female of just under 7 stones.

Saying this, I have closed the door and feel some peace entering my frazzled head. Lots of despair with mad pink Floyd moments but I haven't cried yet.

I am getting twinges of annoyance because I realise there is no lock on the door and my solitude and calmness could be taken away at any time. I have my ear plugs in and the other supa doupa ones that go over your head, but I can still here noise from the house. Take that back, I can now hear a hammer hammering something upstairs, its so loud and invades the privacy I really really need right now.

My husband retired a few months back and I knew there would have to be some give and take on either side of living 'in each others pockets' all the time. I have time and time again explained how noise effects me, I can put up with ii short term, but not long term when I need to start producing some work for 'work' soon or I worry I might loose my job.

The house is supposed to be adapted/being adapted so I have my own office where I can close the door and my shower room is eventually finished.I keep reminding him I need the room and the noise is a real problem in the living room. So today it was Guns and Roses full blast, but upstairs ....

Whilst I was getting more and more confused and frustrated at not being able to produce the leaflet I am working on for work I my husband decided to start work on another project for himself (ie still not my office of shower), then, in bwteen Guns and Rosethe drill and saw noises started.

I didn't explode, I was proud that I reminded myself how much I love this man and so explained to him I had no choise but to move my computer and bits into the shower room so I can have a temporary office to concentrate in. I said I was worried I was at risk of loosing my job.

He said 'well you wont be able to get a shower you know'. What part of this did he think I didn't understand ?

I started to discuss the merits of my make shift office with him as I took a break to feed the animals (and the dog its Chappie) .

Although I was left to do it all myself and I felt proud I had been so even tempered, he went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on ... for it must have been 10 minutes about he kept repeating that I have changed the plans so often as to where I want my office that he was confused. Confused in a sarky manner. I can take sarky, but not pushing and pushing me to explain agin and again how I haven't changed anything, the shower room is just for now because of the noise.

I asked him to stop talking about it but he kept bickering and I could feel the blood swirl around my head. I have never felt such rage.

The outcome is the poor dog hasn't been fed, I have left the tin of Chappie on the sideboard which looks like a tractor run over it and I am sitting under a leaky shower head with my lap top.

I am really frightened as to what I have become, what I might be capable of. I had no idea I had that sort of strength or could feel so much hate.

Embarrassed about the last bit, but its true. Frightened now you lot will not want to talk to me.

I'm not sorry, which is not me either. Who the hell is 'me' anyway.




6 Replies

  • Oh Jules, I don't have a bi but I have occasions when I act exactly like you have just described. Mine wasn't a tin of Chappie - it was two dinner plates (both full of food at the time) that I actually threw at my husband when I couldn't stand his behaviour for another second! *who the hell are you* you ask. From reading your blogs over the last few months, I think you are a very kind, lovely person, you always have a kind word for people who are in trouble. This is just a bad day and maybe your husband has had a bad day too. Both pack it in for today, have an early night. Tomorrow is another day.

  • Never apologise . We love you Hun and what you say isn't a moan it's a reality that we all share. We may all suffer a bit different but we all suffer so can easily tune in and understand. I'm single and will always be single cause that's complication that's not needed. I can't believe you did all that, well done you. That's very forceful. I will, I will lol. Good on ya. So it's not ideal but it had to be done by the way you were feeling at the time. Mind saying that, starving your dog is just mean 😱. He won't starve and good dogs will spence something wrong so will wait till you better. I am so so sorry you are feeling so messed up. Your injury is controlling you , don't let it anymore, take control back, please. You seem to be getting worse but unless your brain injury is getting worse you are letting it win. One day at a time to get better. One day at a time. Xxx

  • Phew. This is truly irrational behaviour Jules and I'm getting a pretty scary picture of what might transpire if one of you doesn't back down.

    If your husband is doing essential repairs/improvements/whatever, then this often can't be achieved without noisy power tools. And are these improvements going to benefit you both in one way or another ?

    There have to be alternatives to these destructive actions. I mean, how do you feel the following day on seeing the wrecked furniture items ? And how does your husband react ; is he upset ?

    Is demolishing the desk and escaping to the shower room really just for the benefit of peace & quiet, or are these actions an expression of your anger towards him ; a case of 'Look what you've made me do !'

    In other words is the whole 'tantrum' thing one big cry for help ? I think we've talked before about 'dismantling' your thoughts and the reasons for your actions and really scrutinising what lies beneath.

    Perhaps if you'd walked away into the garden when those destructive thoughts hit, you might have managed to sidestep your aggression................ it is within your control.

    It upsets me to see how much you're hurting Jules, but it's looking more and more as if you might need some mood stabilising meds, if only 'til your therapy takes hold.

    I just, for now at least, hope you've managed to call a truce with your man ; that man you love ??

    This really isn't who you are is it Jules. xxx

  • Hi Jules,

    You're not the first person to have seen red and blown up over something, done something a bit extreme and felt bad about it afterwards ! ( And you do feel 'bad', which is why you have come on here and told us about it ) As to dog feeding, well I've often fallen asleep through sheer exhaustion, not fed her the main meal on time but made up for it later when I've woken up again ! She is a good girl and knows she will be catered for eventually.

    It is difficult, trying to screen out superfluous noise, especially when stressed . I suspect the upcoming knowledge that you are going to talk through the accident is affecting you. I suspect that it will not be the scary 'monster' that you think it will be and although painful to discuss at the time, you will come out of the other side relieved and able to say with pride 'I did it ! Now I can move on'. When we face our fears and conquer them, they lose the power that they had over us. Could you take some leave from work for a while, so that you don't have the additional worry of trying to juggle all these responsibilities ? I wonder if Ren is feeling the stress of what is happening too, which is making him more reactive ?

    Regarding private space, I wonder how big your garden is and if an outdoor summerhouse type set up would be suitable ? We ran electrics to our shed/kennel quite easily ( for heat lamp ) when our dog had puppies, to provide a safe, quiet space for Mum to nurture and babies to grow. ( we live in a caravan with no spare rooms so was unsuitable to keep them indoors when unsupervised - as you probably know, once they open eyes and can stagger about, they get into everything ! Like having 10 toddlers lol ! ) Many a night in early days of puppyhood, when my partner would come home late from taxi driving to find me asleep in kennel with Mum, head resting on the dogbed with some of the puppies snuggled up in my long hair after feeding from her ! So peaceful. Special times : )

    I really hope you can both come to a compromise that will help you to get through the upcoming time.

    Take care,

    Angela x

  • Hi Jules, I really understand all that you say. I'm still awake......such a long day today as I woke at about five this morning. I've had a few ideas for improves which have gone awry. One involved (don't ask) demolishing all the guttering from the front of the house. After I covered my head, I stupidly stood there like a rabbit in the headlights as stuff rained down on top of me. This incident was one of many since my TBI where something that needed doing (and hadn't been done), became an exciting challenge and I thought I'd fix it myself. Space and peace are two things we cold all do with a little more of. The summerhouse idea appeals but might be expensive, and anyway, I might be tempted to move into it permanently. All I wanted to add was.....don't electrocute yourself in the shower room with your laptop. Make sure it's plugged in with a powerbreaker plug or you might end up with an unwanted frizzy hairdo :) x

  • I used to get totally stressed out and erupt like that. It was OTT and hard on my husband but unforgivable around my then young teenagers so I bit the bullet and went on 'Happy Pills' (aka anti-depressants). It is not a quick fix as finding the optimum pill and the optimum dosage is a long and by no means static process! But it is so worth it.

    It is like an emotional buffer or cushion - too high a dose and one slips into not caring - too low a dose and the emotions start to well up. I was lucky in having a good GP who took the trouble and explained that they have to start a patient somewhere (on a certain pill at a certain dose) but that this was only the starting point and that it took time. In a way it is empowering as I fine tune my dosage even using a pill-cutter. I ease it up if anticipating a stressful weekend say and drop it a bit for a quiet week mainly on my own.

    About a month ago I did try weaning myself as I had been on them for years - triggered by my mother's sudden death and being promptly dumped by my father and siblings no reason given... It was OK at first but then I started not coping with stresses (we lurch from one financial crisis to another) so went back but am at a lower dose.

    So do give it a try but note the caveats about getting it optimum for you and managing it yourself very attentively...all the best!

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