Hello everyone, just jules here.
Are you all doing alright ?
I have called my post 'a long story' because it is. I wont be offended if you cant be bothered to read it all. Just needed to put pen to paper and think through things. I promise my next post will not be moaning.
I have moved my desk and computer into the shower room. Its got tiled walls so I used blue tac for my calendar. I had to pull the desk and draws apart to fit them in, destroyed beyond repair. I finished my move into the shower room about 30 minutes ago (after slamming the giant tin of Chappie dog food so hard on the kitchen bench it collapsed the bottom of the tin. Quite remarkable for a 5.3 female of just under 7 stones.
Saying this, I have closed the door and feel some peace entering my frazzled head. Lots of despair with mad pink Floyd moments but I haven't cried yet.
I am getting twinges of annoyance because I realise there is no lock on the door and my solitude and calmness could be taken away at any time. I have my ear plugs in and the other supa doupa ones that go over your head, but I can still here noise from the house. Take that back, I can now hear a hammer hammering something upstairs, its so loud and invades the privacy I really really need right now.
My husband retired a few months back and I knew there would have to be some give and take on either side of living 'in each others pockets' all the time. I have time and time again explained how noise effects me, I can put up with ii short term, but not long term when I need to start producing some work for 'work' soon or I worry I might loose my job.
The house is supposed to be adapted/being adapted so I have my own office where I can close the door and my shower room is eventually finished.I keep reminding him I need the room and the noise is a real problem in the living room. So today it was Guns and Roses full blast, but upstairs ....
Whilst I was getting more and more confused and frustrated at not being able to produce the leaflet I am working on for work I my husband decided to start work on another project for himself (ie still not my office of shower), then, in bwteen Guns and Rosethe drill and saw noises started.
I didn't explode, I was proud that I reminded myself how much I love this man and so explained to him I had no choise but to move my computer and bits into the shower room so I can have a temporary office to concentrate in. I said I was worried I was at risk of loosing my job.
He said 'well you wont be able to get a shower you know'. What part of this did he think I didn't understand ?
I started to discuss the merits of my make shift office with him as I took a break to feed the animals (and the dog its Chappie) .
Although I was left to do it all myself and I felt proud I had been so even tempered, he went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on ... for it must have been 10 minutes about he kept repeating that I have changed the plans so often as to where I want my office that he was confused. Confused in a sarky manner. I can take sarky, but not pushing and pushing me to explain agin and again how I haven't changed anything, the shower room is just for now because of the noise.
I asked him to stop talking about it but he kept bickering and I could feel the blood swirl around my head. I have never felt such rage.
The outcome is the poor dog hasn't been fed, I have left the tin of Chappie on the sideboard which looks like a tractor run over it and I am sitting under a leaky shower head with my lap top.
I am really frightened as to what I have become, what I might be capable of. I had no idea I had that sort of strength or could feel so much hate.
Embarrassed about the last bit, but its true. Frightened now you lot will not want to talk to me.
I'm not sorry, which is not me either. Who the hell is 'me' anyway.