Full circle again...

[Martin3]

It seems near on impossible to have a lasting relationship if you have an ABI. After having break through seizures last week and being hospitalised for tests etc., my second wife has now said she has had enough of being with me and the day to day problems of living with me.

It is all very strange and my life seems to go full circle. We have been together seven years, the same as my first marriage when I was diagnosed and had the Neuro surgery giving me my ABI. However, first wife had to witness the full change in me, whereas second wife has struggled to come to terms with living with me and my ABI baggage, which at times is very challenging.

I left my first wife several months after my surgery as I had amnesia from the surgery for a ten year period pre my op and a few months post op, and I thought I was doing the right thing in letting her go and living her life, rather than being stuck with me with no memory of our seven years together.

Now everything has gone full circle, and give up hope of ever having a lasting relationship. I feel so sorry for our two young boys who have never asked for any of this. I know how tough it will be for them coming from divorced parents myself. I am concerned I will not see enough of them to sustain memories and a relationship as my memory is still so poor in medium to long term.

Am feeling at end of my tether and hopeless about life again.

[SAMBS]

Martin, I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry to read your post, and can relate to a lot of what you say myself. I too had early twice separated/ later divorced parents so both parents could remarry new partners, when I was ten. My dads parents brought me up during some school holidays.

I have been married 48 years this years - but left my husband in 2013, 3 mths before my health caused my B I.

It's only more recently I've realised my health throughout my life, since I had a TB infected gland removed from my neck when I was a baby, has also caused ongoing health and personality changes or attitudes to and by me. I can't blame my husband for not understanding any of it then or now - our separation was very acrimonious in the first 21 or so months, mostly on my part - we don't communicate at all now and one son (both are adults in their 40's) refuses to have anything to do with me at all, because of my irascibility in their home as well as mine I had no patience at all with my husband or his lack of reaction to anything concerning me - as far as he was concerned I lived my life, he led his with us meeting in the middle as it were for happy holidays sailing only!

If only I'd known then what I know or understand much better now! I think from the many discussions I've read on here, by the members and or their families, it takes a really special sort of person who not only loves you, but loves you enough to care for and accept the new and changed you. Sometimes I think it is very much harder for the carer because they are not experiencing all the neurological possibly also psychological problems that we the patients are, so that's why it's difficult to cope with a problem causing situation that to them is NOT a problem till we make it so!

Have you asked your doctor for a referral to a neuropsychologist, or phoned Headway themselves on 808 800 2244 for some advice. They will also see your post on here and you can email them. I sorry my response doesn't really give you any answers , but as I said I can relate to you, your situation and complications with it. Do you think your 2nd wife would go with you to a meeting. I know also there are some Headway support groups around the country, if you say what county you are in there may be one near you! I hope you are able to find some support local to you and I'm sure many members will soon also be responding to you. Take care, don't let your physical health decline either, as I did because that and stress wont do you any good.

[moo196]

Hi Martin3

Sorry you feel so hopeless about things right now - hope today is a little better.

I'm not sure what I'm about to say will be of help or controversial ( sorry if so ) and I will keep it brief as I need my afternoon nap - BUT I'm not sure how much of any of the things you mention can definitely be put down to BI ..... it could just be that we are all human beings and with our without BI we change/evolve/grow/grow apart ..... and although I was extremely devastated that my "then" partner of 18 years chose to leave on the day of my diagnosis - one can survive and flourish on one's own and sometime's it's actually easier......

I hope communication with the children is as good as it can be - and again they will hopefully understand the issues you have faced as they grow up. Children are pretty resilient.

Hope you find some good things to do this weekend - perhaps work on your own issues and get to the best you can be without contemplating too much about having any relationship ? Each of us is a whole person without " another half" - whatever our society may think/suggest

Keep smiling -

[cat3]

I couldn't agree more with Moo's comments, especially about not needing 'another half' to feel complete. I know we all have different needs but, since my BI I've been happiest by myself, reading, gardening, walking along the riverside, messing about on my laptop etc,...................

I don't know how sociable you are Martin, but would you consider joining a local Headway group ? It wouldn't work for me as I'm not happy in groups, but those who do attend swear it's been a lifesaver and really enjoyable.

I've found that when we stop searching for something in particular, other things happen instead ; often things we've not previously considered.

It'll be hard for you being distanced from your children. Have you thought about using Skype to talk to them face to face ? A friend of mine lost his daughter when his ex-wife moved to Australia and, although devastated at first, he now talks to her daily on Skype. Not quite the same as being with them, but it keeps the relationship in tact 'til you can be together.

I'm sorry you're so down Martin. If you really feel unable to pull things together perhaps have a talk to your GP about therapy and/or medication to help you out.

My best wishes for better days, Cat x

[MXman]

Hi Martin,

I have been reading through the replies to your post and couldn't help thinking that id been there myself and what did I do. But on really thinking about it my wife has been fantastic with me and still is but my farther has been an arse. Unfortunately we change and If our partners, wives loved ones can't get through the consequences of our changes then so be it and they have to adapt and or change too.

I totally agree with what others have said moo and cat in that maybe you don't need anyone else but as suggested talk to your local headway group. Its really tough for us with Bis and tough for others close to us too, most just don't understand it.

God bless and I truly hope tomorrow is a better day for you. N