any advice welcome

[Teazymaid]

since my TBI I’m very different struggle with noise, people , concentration , tiredness .. the list goes on … the two youngest boys had gone travelling so a empty house or just my and hubby .. one boys has come back wanting to just work a few months the do long trips away but this time after nearly two months away he is back but with a new girlfriend who has moved in as well .. I can’t cope , privacy has gone . Down time is limited and a very bright and chatty girl I’m struggling to deal with .. and she is a nice girl and only lives 2 miles away but they don’t go there to sleep it’s just our house … am I going crazy ????

[BaronC]

Now is your time and you need your space and time, ALL of the time. Your home is your sanctuary and you really do need to feel safe and secure there, physically and emotionally. If that means drawing up strong boundaries then so be it. Sadly if your family don't like those boundaries then surely they are free to set up their own, elsewhere.

Sorry to be harsh, but best of luck

Andy

[Teazymaid in reply to BaronC]

Appreciate your reply .. and I do agree . I suppose I wanted to see if I was going crazy as I just can’t handle things as I use to I thought others may understand on here .. I feel shit as the old me could cope and adjusting to the new me is extremely difficult.. I seem to be buried in those feelings at the mo bit apprehensive you time in answering as it says actually what I’m thinking .. going to have to come to terms with excepting the whole new world .. Sue 😊

[BaronC in reply to Teazymaid]

Genuinely, you haven't got the time to worry about things that are reasonably easy to solve. I can't be bothered with unnecessary dramas in my life any more, I just don't have the energy for it. Nor, I suspect, do you.

[Nafnaf87]

Good morning Teazy

Agree with BaronC, your home is YOUR safe space sanctuary.

Your son and husband need to recognise and support that and NOT leave you looking for somewhere else to run to .... which without extreme pain you will not find.

Sorry I can't be more helpful

Best wishes

Michael

[haverfordwest]

Totally agree with you, I love my kids calling and seeing the grandchildren, but 5 mins is enough. The noise, the constant chatter, the laughing, the movements are all too much. 5 years in and I still can't cope with it and cannot see any way to improve it. Like you my house is absolute heaven when no-one is here, no radio, TV, conversations, just the sound of birds tweeting, 100% peace. My brain feels calm, I'm not worried about anything, but life can't be lived like that, there has to be interaction and until a way is found to ease our symptoms we've just got to struggle on. My house is my escape place, which I don't like sharing 🤭🤭.

[Teazymaid in reply to haverfordwest]

Oh wow you sound like me .. no tv , no radio , no talking .. heaven .. I do like is all in small doses but if it’s constant I’m shattered and struggle to cope with all the other things that happen and cause stress . I do like it on my own where as I used to hate it on my own .. Sue 😁

[haverfordwest in reply to Teazymaid]

It's nice to know we're not alone 😁 x

[TreesMTBI]

Hi Sue no you're not going mad. Your needs have changed and as BaronC has said, your home is your sanctuary and you need your own space now more than ever.

Perhaps there is opportunity for compromise - as it is, it's a lot anyway to have someone new, a stranger actually, suddenly move into your space even without brain injury or at the best of times, with no escape. Boundaries are important - how about an agreement that the girlfriend can spend a couple of pre-agreed/set nights a week? Was this properly discussed with your son at the time, perhaps he isn't even aware of how you're feeling? I know this may cause ructions in the family, but at the end of the day, this is your home and your son is now a grown-up able to provide for himself and has to understand the lay of the land, and that it's not a hotel ..... a bit harsh perhaps but that's the reality.

Hope you find a way through!

All the best

Tx

[Teazymaid in reply to TreesMTBI]

Thank you .. yeah everyone is thinking the same as me which is so nice to hear . No there was no chatting about it happened . He came home from a couple months away we had met her a few times before he went and they stayed at her mums place couple of times and then it’s been every day since then about 8 weeks and I’m falling apart from just having people going in and out of the house , having to hoover more empty bins clean the bathroom and fold the bloody towels in the bathroom 🥴🥴🥴 yeah I’m not handling this well … I have asked for things to be done and she does cook a couple of meals .. the old me I don’t think would have been to bothered .. like my hubby is fine with it 🥴hence I feel cra and have asked all on here .. I would say my son has no idea he is thoughtlessly in his own world .. your replies have helped me understand I’m not alone in my thoughts and it did help so much as I don’t like the new me very much at the moand coming to terms with the inability to work ,hold conversations and so on uses up a lot of energy ..Sue 😊

[TreesMTBI in reply to Teazymaid]

It’s all so hard, go easy on yourself. But it’s still a big ask of your son as well, even without all the impacts from your brain injury, to expect you to just roll with it. It’s not as if he’s living in a student house or in with a load of his mates or in a hostel while out travelling where people come and go all the time. I really feel for you though, because you say the old you wouldn’t have minded, although you don’t really know how old you would have actually reacted now, so perhaps try not to compare to old you. This is you now and you have some limits to what you can accept. Do you think you chat to your hubby about it and then have a united front about what you’d like to happen re the arrangements. Sounds like some support for you would be helpful.

Tx

[Teazymaid in reply to TreesMTBI]

yeah my hubby has listen to me and read all of your replies so he is understanding who it all is happening with me know . And yes I don’t know if the old me would I just prosume it would have been ok 🤪 sue x

[Hidden]

Agree with everyone else, I was lucky because I live on my own and only associated with other people on my own terms. It was the perfect situation to set up a base to recover.

[Teazymaid]

Update ….. have spoken with son and his girlfriend which was lead by my hubby ans all went well … so happy to have asks all of you as my husband read the replies which has helped him understand me a little better . communication it my favourite word … thank you ❤️ Sue x

[TreesMTBI in reply to Teazymaid]

Oh I’m so pleased Sue. Glad you could deal with it sooner rather than later as these things can fester and then boil over later. And you’ve recognised things weren’t right and so looked out for yourself in good time and hopefully averted any future setbacks in your health, which I’d say is a win- win.

Tx

(Thanks to you too for sharing, as this has actually helped remind me to check my boundaries too. I have different living circumstances but similar situation with ‘extra’ people coming into my space from time to time - and actually have this coming up in June for a couple of weeks - and I often don’t speak up or take care of myself properly during those times but I think this time will be different now! 🤪)

[Teazymaid in reply to TreesMTBI]

Oh wow !! Didn’t actually think it would help others but am very pleased it has . Communication is so important and so lacking among most people … for me I thought I was going crazy as I couldn’t cope and asked all you guys as I thought you may know what I was thinking|feeling .. and wow you certainly did .. this is an amazing place to be as all of you understand .. ❤️Sue x

[cat3]

I would feel the same Sue. A none-family person living in my home would cause stress to the point of panic for me.

Home is the place where we can celebrate good days in our own quiet way and hide away without explanation on the bad. Bright, chatty folk are sadly too difficult to cope with mentally for me along with bright lighting, loud noise and being talked 'at'.

I'm sure most of us miss our old, competent selves but it's no one's fault that we're often exhausted just getting through a day with no challenges.

Maybe just one day a week would be tolerable for stay-overs to give an air of welcome. But you son needs reminding of your issues and struggles, and needs to explain these to his girlfriend ; you shouldn't have to explain personal details or feel like the 'baddie' in your own private space.

Hope you'll all come to a happy compromise m'love .... Cat. x

[Teazymaid]

all positive that you Cat … I was very much confused by my thought/feelings but all of you felt the same .. it was a massive relief for me and I also showed my husband all the posts which has helped him understand even more than he did before .. love this group and have found it the most positive and sometimes heart breaking place to be /read .. but without a doubt the information received from here as got me though the last 3+years thank you Sue 🥰

[cat3 in reply to Teazymaid]

🤍x

[Leaf100]

hi Sue,

It's really amazing sometimes how much down time a person with a bi needs.

It can be really hard for people who live with us to understand - we look OK- and frustrating for us as well, as we want to, we wish we could, we aren't always aware of it - and the sad fact is we just are not able.

It's like being a 360 video quality trying to play at 1080. You would rather watch the 1080 quality video but your player only can handle 360. It's a bit blurry, you miss some details... and the people watching the 1080 version can't see why you can't see. And sometimes trying to receive 1080 means you get trapped with that little wheely thing going round and round - your buffer is full and stuck, and you need a reboot. (Downtime.)

Maybe it would help if you explained sometimes any sound at all is making your buffer overflow and you need peace. You live them, you would prefer to be around them, and still - you must have recovery time. Yes, Mum is a glitchy computer.

In an ideal would we would all be issued a quiet room we could escape to.

I had to put laminated glass in my windows. It's the type used in car windows. It's also 30% more sound blocking than regular glass. And...without it I used to literally fall when the neighbour started his lawn mower. Or some big truck was backing up I'm the street and beeping, as they do.

Your need is real.

The car can be a great place to hide sometimes though soon uncomfortable and not private.

Noise canceling headphones work for some. There are also ear plugs made for musicians that allow you to hear and reduce volume.

That may help some. Even wearing them whe you don't think you need them can help you not get overloaded so fast. They won't solve the issue entirely but may help. You may need to try a couple.

Turning off background noise can also help. It may be hard for those who have to have the tv or radio on in the background. Perhaps explaining to them that is multitasking for you, and exhausting, may help. They may need to use headphones to listen to their music sometimes.

Hopefully once they know it is a form of help they can give you that makes a huge difference to you, they will be willing - though an adjustment for them.

I used to wear construction site hearing protection when I went to my local big bis store. (I wanted people to know I couldn't hear them.) One of the employees came up to me one day and said 'you k ow I wondered why you did that and so I tried it one day. I couldn't believe how I was so much less tired at the end of the day.'

So I feel all the noise in the normal world impacts everyone, most just don't know it.

And what's quiet anyway? Even with no TV, radio, or others making noise inside , there is still the wind, birds or frogs (if you are lucky), someone going something out side - cutting the grass, putting out bins, talking and laughing, traffic, etc etc. The world is noisy enough as is. Oh and inside the heating system or whatever or the fridge cycling etc, is also noise. What's quiet?

Yes, you need less input. A safe place.

Leaf x

[Ideogram in reply to Leaf100]

Just wanted to say I really love some of these ideas, particularly the construction hearing equipment!

[Ideogram]

You're definitely not going crazy. I can be doing reasonably well but when I get overloaded I particularly struggle with all of this - can't bear the lights, or the TV noise, and not having my own door I can lock. My family have been wonderful in many ways but noone understood how much I really needed quiet, darkness and peace, and that led to some really tense and stressful situations. I don't think it's at all acceptable for you to be hosting a stranger in your own home, particularly if there's also an expectation that Mum does everything!