On advice from my acupuncturist I've started writing my fibro story. I thought you guys might like to see my first little bit...
I guess the best idea is for me to get the worst out there. For the last few years, I've been hoping to hear a doctor tell me I was dying. Not because I'm suicidal, and not because I don't want to live, but because I knew they couldn't make me better. I knew there was no cure and I knew that life, as it was, sucked balls. This story is not straightforward, and it offers no magical cure. All I want to do is give you an insight into the person I am, the person I was, and the person I was trying to become. Maybe I'll manage to make you rethink your judgement of me, or those like me with so called invisible illnesses. Maybe I won't. If there is one thing that the last few years have taught me? It's that you have to try. I'm Sam, I'm 23 and I have fibromyalgia. I am not lazy or a drama queen. Nor am I making it up or just depressed. I have been tested for every form of cancer and disease in existence and they have all come back clear. But what does this actually mean? What is fibromyalgia? And how did it ruin my life?
I'm awake once again at half 3 in the morning. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. It is important to note however that it is for a different reason than usual, I'm excited and not in pain, and I guess this alone is cause for celebration. Me and Matt, my husband, are moving to Scotland tomorrow, and we are staying the night with my friend, Becky, to break the journey a little. It's always great catching up with old friends, particularly when a lot has changed over a short period of time, and that is what has inspired me to start writing this now. We were discussing how the last few years have effectively been our 'lost' or 'exploratory' years. We have both learned a lot about ourselves, physically, sexually and emotionally and whilst we are thankful for this, these years have taken their toll. I'm tired and I'm ready for a break, but should I have the option, I wouldn't choose to delete those years from my past.
Me and Becky have known each other 8 years now, and they really have flown past. To try and encapsulate everything that has happened over the years is difficult, but I'd like to try. Sadly, and probably much to the dismay of my old English teachers, this story doesn't have a conventional beginning, middle and end, but rather is part of a larger, continuing saga. There are lessons I've learnt, and things that I have done that I'd rather not spell out, but I think it's important for me to try to piece this all together. To help me with this, I'd like to explain where I started, and where I am now, before delving deeper into the nitty gritty. 8 years ago I was a promising student, with good grades, and good behaviour. I had taken on a main role in the school play, and was going up for head boy, a role I would also be given. I was confident, and head strong, and I had solid plans and strong ideas for what I wanted to do with my life.
The later 4-6 years have changed that boy into the person I am today. My gut instinct tells me this person is 'worse' but I also believe that each of the situations has its own merits. I am now 23, married, and moving to Scotland. I have a chronic debilitating condition called fibromyalgia and I've had to deal with major losses, personally and professionally because of this. I am depressive, even slightly bipolar, and confused. I don't know where I am going in life, and I don't really know what I want to do. I remember in a uni interview I was once asked 'What are your weaknesses?' and I answered genuinely 'Not being able to identify my weaknesses' because it was the best I could come up with. Today I would point out that my weakness is that I can never see the positives, and I never see my strengths. I don't actually think my strengths and weaknesses have changed, but rather my self-loathing has altered my perception of them.
So join me if you will whilst I review a few major plot points of my life. I could do this in a nice neat chronological order, but in honesty, I'm too 'outside the box' for that. Plus some of the parts go together well, even if they are 5 years apart, so I want to put them together. To lend you a hand, I'll include my age whenever I change when I'm talking about. I don't pretend to remember everything and I hold my hands up that there is a strong possibility that time has changed my memory of events. I'm going to try my best, and that's more than good enough for me.