I want to start out by saying I know how lucky I am. I am ever so grateful for the last 2 years because honestly? I never thought I'd be where I am now.
I classify myself as in remission. I have been back at work full time for 6 months now and haven't even so much as taken a day sick. I'm not 100% but then - I don't think that being 100% is a realistic expectation for anyone - sick or otherwise. I won't go into the logistics of how I was 'cured' but being at the end of my tether - I saved and scrimped and went to the best private doctor I could find. A million food allergies; and vitamin deficiencies later - and I'm okay - I'm actually okay. Maybe that means I didn't have fibro - maybe it doesn't. at this point, if I'm honest, I don't much care. My question still stands.
Where do I go from here?
To deal with being so sick at 20, and being bed bound by 22, I created fibrosam - or 'sick Sam'. A version of myself who didn't have dreams or aspirations and who couldn't be disappointed by memories because I deleted them all. I forgot what it was like to be well because that memory hurt. I lost the best job I ever had, dropped out of uni, and packed up and went home.
Fast forward 5 years and ...yeah. I just don't know. I can't remember how to be 'healthy'. I am used to not planning full days and scheduling naps and the thought of not doing that nearly gives me panic attacks. I don't have a career aspiration (I am a manager at a shop I like, but it's not the job I loved) and I want to restart my uni but again - I can't go back to where I was - it hurts too much - so I'm stuck in mid ground. I can't come up with new dreams or ideas; I've spent 5 years hardwiring my brain to not allow them.
I can't remember how to do this healthy stuff. And I'm happy oh so happy but god help me I think being better is depressing me. I feel like I should be out curing cancer; making people proud of me because I have been given a chance. But tbh; I just wanna sit on the sofa and eat pizza.
It feels like I've woken up from a 5 year coma; but my life moved on. My friends are all graduated; I somehow managed to get married in amongst my sickness, and I have a house and a cat. But That was fibro Sam. Healthy Sam doesn't recognise this life; he wants to go back to uni dorms and alcohpops. I honestly don't know how to reboot.
I'm a 20 year old brain, in a 25 year old body, with the mindset of a very gravely sick person, and the health level of a normal person. And - WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?!?
For the first time in my life - I understand those 'find yourself' adventures young adults go on. I don't know who I am anymore.