Are you coping with alcoholism in your family?

[cobweb]

I've been meaning to write this for a while & although not actually related to Fibromyalgia, it's something that could help some of you.

My husband is an alcoholic ( although thankfully not drinking now) for many years I had to cope with his atrocious drinking & abuse because he told me that I'd caused it through my illnesses. I became agoraphobic, primarily because I couldn't face the neighbours complaints about him & tried to end my life many times. When his drinking was at it's height, I sank to my lowest & that's when I found Al-anon. It's a support group for people who are affected by a loved ones drinking. It literally saved my life.

I had to leave the group when we moved but carried on trying to follow what I had learnt - & that was that the only person that I could change was me - & that I count!

When my marriage unfortunately fell apart & I moved to Frome, I was so grateful to find a group here. Although I no longer live with an alcoholic, the damage caused to my life, my confidence & self esteem had already been done. The group understand what I went through, some still are living with it but we support each other in an unbelievably simple way, no judgements or criticisms, we listen. we share our stories & our feelings.

I'm not trying to promote it, but when you are ill it is so easy to lose sight of your self worth, so if any of you are or were living with a problem drinker, you may find that Al-anon could help you too. You can find their details in the phone book or look them up on line & lets face it, anything that makes life a little bit easier has to be worth a try!

[Ginsing]

Dear Cobweb,

My goodness life has delt you some rotten cards but I am so glad you have come through and the group you mention sounds amasing . I don't have the drink prob at all but can give you lot of compasionate hugs Take care xgins

[chicme]

hi,cobweb i have lived with one 12 years ive had so much abuse over the years shouting at me day in day out putting me down in front people all the time, what ever i did was wrong he would pull me apart my self esteem was so low crying all the time thinking what have i done in life to deserve this,then 5 week ago i claimed control back he now lives with me as a lodger i dont love or respect him anymore but cant afford to kick him out but will not let him know this i have told him if he dose not treat me with respect he will be out the door with all his stuff to follow an that he will not treat me like ever again he needs me more than i need him an he knows that now because he has no where to go ,i feel so much better for doing this i spent most days on the loo with the IBS was bad i didnt know it was because of stress it has now calmed down. so yes i know. he dose not like himself so in turn thats why they do this to you to make you feel bad like its all your fault .love n hugs xx .

[Sthandra]

Hi people I lived with a violent alcoholic 24 years ago he started two days after my 19th birthda we had been for a night out with friends, when we got back he hit me so hard I went flying over the sofa he said I had called him by an ex's name, anyway things came to a head when I told him I was pregnant, I already had a daughter from a previous relationship anyway I told him he said he didn't believe me then it wasn't his that I had been sleeping around that was his favorite accusation I went to go downstairs when I felt something hit the middle of my back his foot I whent flying down the stairs I was 2 months pregnant he said your not having that b*****d brat it aint mine an if it were you still aint havin it, I was scared I was living in yorkshire and my family were all down south so I was on my own, well I finally managed to kick him out when I was 4 months gone he told me if he saw me or that b*****d brat in town he would kill the pair of us so I did the only thing I could think of to keep her safe I put her up for adoption but I couldn't go through with it she is now a healthy 23 year old he trys to get in touch with her now and again ub she wants nowt to do with him that's her choice, but now I'm worried about her the first thing she does when she gets in from work is grab a drink even if its only 1or 2 in the afternoon, big gentle hugs for all . Sithy

[chicme]

HI STHANDRA SO GLAD YOU GOT AWAY FROM HIM I WOULD KEEP VERY CLOSE EYE ON HER I HAVE 3 GROWN BOYS AN THEY ARE FANTASTIC ALL MY DOING! BROUGHT THEM UP ON MY OWN .BUT HE HAS 2 GROWN UP KIDS BOY N GIRL AN THEY BOTH DRINK ALOT ITS ALL THEY HAVE EVER KNOWN WITH HIM AN HIS EX-WIFE SHES A HEAVY DRINKER ITS ALL BOUGHT HUGE PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE NONE OF THEM HELP THERE SELF'S AT ALL THE TAPE THAT STAY IN BED ALL DAY LIKE THE WORLD OWES THEM,I SAY IF YOU WANT A BETTER LIFE YOU HAVE DO IT YOUR SELF THEY DONT HAVE TO FOLLOW THERE GENES .WEEBBLE WOBBLE BUT THEY DONT FULL DOWN THATS US. GOOD LUCK LOVE XXXXXXXXXXXXX

[rosiedoodle]

Hi Cobweb,

I too have lived with an alcoholic for the past 7 years, I don't want to be with him anymore but I'm trapped. He owns the house we live in and because of my fibro and various health issues I have been off work for 8 months in the past year and have no money for rent or deposits! I even pay half of the household bills and shopping each week. and still expects more.He is mentally and verbally abusive to me, anything I do he always belittles it. I tried to leave a few weeks ago but women's refuge could not offer me a place My daughters have offered to help but they are overcrowded, and it would not be fair on them or their husbands. I will leave one day but for the moment I have to wait for the right time. As I'm writing this he is being his usual arsehole self over a stupid program on tv! I hate him.xxx

[cobweb]

I stayed for many years longer than necessary because I had nowhere to go & no income, but about a year ago I went to CAB & they showed that If I found a small flat, that housing benefit would cover most, if not all of your rent. You would also get financial help from DWP.

When I did finally leave I stayed with a friend for a few days while I got my application for ESa started. Then I found this flat, which I love. I kept expecting them to say that there was a mistake so it would all fall through, but it didn't.

As for your deposit, there are organisations that will help with that but to be honest I didn't want to wait so I paid with my credit card!

I knew that unless I acted quickly, I would go back with my tail between my legs - that had happened too many times before.

Through Al-anon I found the strength to leave, no-one there tried to make me do anything, but listening to other peoples stories I realized that they had been through the same hell as me & it is hell isn't it?

You need to think about YOU. Everyone deserves to be treated respectfully & that doesn't happen with an active alcoholic. You must do what is right for YOU, Do your research, find out the facts about your rights, just incase. Then at least if the time comes when you do want to leave, you'' know what to do.

I was with my husband for 30years, with more drink related problems than I care to admit but at first I accepted it because I loved him, but alcohol destroys the person yo knew, it took me until a few months ago to realize that I was just his housekeeper/mother, I was just there!

So to any of you in an abusive relationship, please take care, stay safe. No matter what your age is, the life clock is ticking, There is another way

Good luck for your future

Loads of fibro hugs xx xx

[rosiedoodle in reply to cobweb]

Thanks for your advice I will start looking into it, I forgot to say I have a dog and there is no way I'm leaving her behind! Trying to find rented housing that will let you keep a dog is really hard.

Take care.xxx

[ArctoLindy]

I also stayed longer with an alcoholic than I should have. His daughter lived with us and I wouldn't get out until I knew she was safe as I couldn't have left her alone with him. Once she was safe with other family, I managed to get out a few months later but the whole experience was so awful that I have avoided relationships ever since - I will have been single for 21 years next week but still have huge self-esteem issues even after all this time.