I am so angry and upset with this stupid fibro! It ruins everything!

I am feeling so down a depressed this last week, today more than ever (that's mainly due to having 2 hours sleep last night!)

I started back to work, college and my volunteer work last week and spent the whole week exhausted, in pain and generally miserable. Something has now got to give and it seems like it will be college :-( I am so angry the fibro has caused all this as I worked my butt off last year to get good grades and this was my last year. I had everything planned out in my head for uni and jobs and timescales but I physically am unable to cope with so much anymore.

My tutor also thinks it would be best for me to take some time out and has said she will make sure I have a place next year which is good.

I just hate the fact that fibro is taking over every part of my life and ruining it bit by bit :-(

From a very fed up Holly!

Xx

17 Replies

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  • Oh dear Holly you poor thing! I can relate to everything you've said, it does feel like Fibro swamps our whole lives and everything in it. The things we thought so easy before seem like mountains to climb now don't they.

    Do you think you would benefit from time out or do you think you should launch into Uni this year?! At the end of the day only you know if you can manage it, no-one can advise you. You know if you can handle the coursework, deadlines etc. If you think you can't manage it at the moment are you financially stable enough to cope with delaying your course for a year? So many things to consider.

    Whatever you decide Holly, we are all here for you and we do understand how upsetting and frustrating it can all be. Please let us know how you get on, what you decide and if there is anything we can help you with. Here's a hug (((x)))

  • Hi Holly, what a shame you find yourself in this position. Could you cut back on the voluntary work for a while to give yourself some more breathing space? If you do decide to suspend your studies from your course, it might be wise to check with the course leader that the course will remain the same with the same units for the following year. So many courses are being changed at the moment because of government cuts and sometimes tutors are the last to know - which would leave you in a difficult position. Also, ensure that you take advantage of any support from student services at your uni. If you have a personal learning plan you should also be able to have extended library loans,submission dates etc...Good luck what ever you decide. Jane x

  • Thanks both, its just such a hard decision to make, I had to push for my place on the course after failing one of the entrance tests but thankfully the tutor saw the passion I had for what I wanted to do she accepted me. She knows how determind I am which is good coz she knows when I have my health sorted (as well as I can anyway) that I will be able to finish the course with flying colours. She doesn't think I have the mental strength to cope with it all right now and if I'm hoonest, I don't think I do either. It was only a matter of time that somethingg was going to have to stop I'm just so disappointed its my college when out of the 3 things its the one I'm nost passionate about. Work just gets me down anyway but that needs to be my top priority as that's the one that pays the bills. With my volunteer work I support a young parent family for 2 - 4 hours a week, whilst I'm sure if I spoke to the company they would understand I would hate to let this lovely family down when they need help - I know I need it myself but I'm the sort of person who puts everyone else before myself.

    My health and state of mind are suffering so for once I am gooing to put myself first and get myself back to my normal self instead of this crying mess I seem to be tonight!

    Xxx

  • OMG Holly I have tried to comment twice on your blog, well the first time was more like an essay and a bit woffly, however very relivevent as I was in your position not so long ago so I shall re write tommorrow as its getting late and I need to try get some sleep as have the doc in the morn.

    Please do me a favour though will you PM me if you haven't heard from me early evening, fibo fog you know thanks smiles and hug Ingrid xx

  • Holly im so very sorry.you seem very intelligent are you sure you wanna give up college first?cant you do some work from home for time being iike my fella can with college?isnt there a way round it.can college not help more?but agrer you must put yre self first.good luck x

  • Hi Holly -- so sorry to hear that you are struggling to cope with things at the moment. When you first get the "diagnosis" it is really difficult to accept that your life is going to be different from now on and you have to learn to "pace" yourself. I think that we all struggle to accept this and it takes time to adapt to our new lifestyle. Your mind is telling you to do things but your body is rebelling and saying "NO". I spoke to you a while ago about Mickel Therapy and "listening to your body" -- this is what you need to do -- I have read a booklet called The Pain Toolkit (simple advice on how to live better with long term pain) which really makes sense to me --you can download it from paintoolkit.org or get a copy sent to you by tel: 0300 123 100 (quote 403298/pain toolkit) --it may help you understand things a bit easier. You admit that you always put everyone else before yourself -- well now its time to start putting yourself first -- this is not being "selfish" but it is about getting a "happy balance" in your life. It sounds to me that you are very passionate and determined to complete yr college course and your tutor seems sympathetic and understanding, and "Deep down" I think your body is happy to do this --- so I think that you are going to have to decide what takes priority in your life at the moment and learn to say no to some of your other commitments. FM is not totally ruining your life but it is forcing you to make difficult decisions about what you want to do. It may mean lots of adjustments but only you can decide what is right for you. Good luck with the choices you make -- but sadly you cannot choose all of them. keep positive :) xx

  • Thank you all for your replies.

    I have spoken with my tutor who has given me a place on next years course and has also told me I can do a bit of work this year at home when I feel up to it, we have a huge research project to do, so when I go back next year I already have some work done. I have done nothing but cry since yesterday, it has really gotten me down in the dumps. Maybe if I had looked after myself sooner I wouldn't be in this position now but I can't change anything so for now I have to pick myself up and put all my energy into finding a way to make myself as well as I can be both physically and mentally. Painwise I have been ok the last 2 weeks but now I can really feel it taking over me mentally, I'm tired, emotional, drained and just generally a bit of a grump!

    Xxx

  • Hi Holly,

    What you studying at college? What vouluntary work do you do?

    About three years ago in my second year at uni, a sign fell on my head and caused me problems and three years later i discovered it was fibro. Instead of giving up my uni course and struggling going in and out of uni, i kept up the work by doing the class virtua and mostly at home. I got the tutor to record his/hers lecture on a tape machine which i could listen to at home. Go through powerpoints, group work etc or anything we were doing in class. It wasn't ideal and made me feel alone, but it got me through my course. I didn't know until a long time afterwards that you can get major support over this. Have you looked into this? As you shouldn't give up on your dream or your studying.

    I'm a volunteer too, I do brownies and guides and there maybe weeks I could not be able to attend the meeting in a physical capacity, i was there cutting out craft material, researching games etc. It gave me more time to concentrate on my degree while studying but allowed me rest time and time to catch up.

    Don't give up Holly, your doing a huge thing and you should be so proud of yourself!!!

    Hugs, Charlotte x

  • Thank you charlotte :-)

    I am doing, or should I say I was doing,an access course in health and social care it was only 2 evenings a week but on top of work, looking after my daughter and volunteer work it was all too much for me right now. The tutor has been amazing and has said that I can get myself prepared for next year by doing some of the work at my own pace in my own time outside of college and even though she can't give me any official marks she will make sure I am going in the right direction and am prepared for next year. My volunteer work involes me working one to one with a young parent family and although I'm sure they would understand if I had to pull out I would feel so bad leaving this family when they need help at the moment.

    I just know that the depression I have tried really hard to keep at bay has started to creep in on me and I really didn't want it to but it doesn't look like I have a choice with it, its just going to come in and take over me, I really don't want to take anti depressents so going to try exercise and diet changes to begin with and see if it helps me before I have to have anti depressents.

    Xx

  • Hi Holly, I clicked on to your profile and realised your from wales!!! love it - love the welsh, mainly for Stella and Gavin and Stacey, and welsh cakes, but fit men playing rugby!!

    I think your tutor and yourself are doing the right thing, i think with looking after your daughter and doing this amazing voluntary work. Wow, I wish I could do that, it sounds so good & so fullfiling. I also understand why you wouldn't like to leave. So with doing work at your own pace, would that mean you could start assignments or do research? I think that sounds like the right direction and right plan and by next year you'll be sailing through and it'll make more sense.

    I understand the depression, it does get you down, i've been on anti-depression myself and hated it, i don't think i could carry on them. I want to carry on and not get myself down in the dumps, i need to change my exercise and diet regime too. just getting into the rythem of it!

    If you need anything give me a shout, but you reay are doing the right thing! Hugs, Charlotte x

  • Aw thank you Charlotte! I love wales to although I'm more of a cider girl than stella lol!

    I'm a very determind and independant person and hate having to rely on anybody or ask anyone For help but I realise now that I need to start doing that now. I have some great friends and family so I'm going to take full use of them!

    Yeah I would be starting next years assignments this year so I would have so much more extra time which is going to help.

    I am feeling more positive about the college situation but still very down. I knew it was only a matter of time before I cracked. When my daughter is here I am ok and put on my smiley happy face on for her sake, she understands that I have bad days and is such an amazing little girl for a 6 year old, she is the only thing that gets me through each day (even when she is being a little bugger!)

    I'm home alone tonight as she is in her dads and I've just sat here randomly bursting into tears for no reason and right now I just don't see a way out of it but I know this is what depression does.

    I know I will get through it eventually, I'm a strong, fiesty welsh girl and just need to accept the fact that I need a bit of help for once!

    Thank you charlotte

    And tahnk you everyone on this site, it always makes me feel better coming on here and talking to people who know what I am going through

    Xxxxx

  • Hi Holly,

    First of all, gentle hugs - sounds like you need them! I know where you're coming from with the depression, and, although I've only just come off citalopram (as I was starting amitriptyline), I think I may need to go back on them again. Annoying, as I was hoping to come off them soon, but the amitriptyline dose for fibro isn't high enough to treat depression, and I'm sick of crying all the time! Besides which, my OH is having a pretty major op next month :( and I need to be able to help him through the aftermath.

    Stay strong, admit when you're in trouble, and try to focus on yourself rather than the rest of the world for a little while.

    Sara xx

  • Hi Holly, I meant Stella as in Ruth Jones's new tv show!

    I understand been determined and reluctant to ask for help myself. But I think your doing the right thing & with your little girl you'll be helping her more, not just now but in the future!

    Just think you'll have time to study when she's not there & get to spend more time when she's there. So you won't have time to think about the condition either & think about your life!

    Anytime you wanna talk, just vent on here & they'll be someone to help or even take your mind off your problem!

    Keep going Holly, where all routing for you!!! Hugs Charlotte x

  • Hi Holly

    I've only just seen your blog, but feel I must reply. You have so much, maybe too much, going on in your life, that understandably, "something's gotta give!"

    I can tell you are a very strong person, & I think like me, the depression has got to a point where you need profession help. I plucked up all my courage & saw my GP this Monday. I took a letter explaining how I felt, as I can't get six words out before blubbing! I explained since Fibro has taken hold my body is very intolerant to drugs so I would prefer counselling to anti-depressants. He was very understanding, not at all condescending, & got me an appt for an assessment two days later!

    I went yesterday & it was really helpful. I explained exactly how I felt & why through the tears, & I have been offered 1 to 1 counselling, group therapy, & an online "beating the blues" course! Don't know how long before I start any, but I feel more optimistic already!

    You need to "get your head together" before making any important decisions.

    It would be such a shame to give up on your college course, but remember your health & your daughter comes first!

    Good luck to you, whatever you decide, it must feel right for you both.

    Gentle hugs xx

  • So sorry you are feeling this way and I am sure we can all sympathise with you and support you. I myself had a good job(21 years ago) with good prospects in the entertainement industry. I was promoted after my third week there and I loved the job. But the fibro ruined it all for me. Don't get me wrong I have had many happy years with my hubby and children, now all grown up and I would not change that. Tha is why it gets to me when the likes of the ATOS doctors take only 40 minutes or so to miraculously cure you. If we could be cured we would not have had to give up the things we loved in the first place!. I wish you well hun and I am hoping that just maybe in the future you can find some other way to do this final year, say an online or Open University type course. Just an idea. xxxxx Lin

  • thank you all for your replies, been trying to comment on this for ages but it wouldnt load off my phone so just wrote a new blog post!

    thank you all for your advice, guidance and support

    xxxxx

  • Hi Holly.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your current problems.

    Yes yes this Chronic Pain Condition effects as all Unfortunetly.

    I had to take a reality check with mine as the more that I fought it the worse the pain becomes.

    Yes your tutor is right, can you take time out ??

    What are your hours at work & volunteering.

    Don't be angry & fed up as Pain gets worse with both "Physical & Mental" actions.

    Please let me know if I can offer more help.

    Steve.

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