hello fibro buddies,
im feeling so worn down and exhausted. im recovering from a chest infection which has left me extremely achey after constant coughing and being sick. I returned to work last night in my supermarket; I really struggled to do the basic tasks I do every week. my managers have been great as I no longer work on tills as I made simple mistakes and looking from screen to customer to screen tired me quickly. so I do floor work.
I know my job inside out and do enjoy it but over the last year or more im struggling to complete my tasks. ive gone from working in 5th gear to 2nd at a push,i cant explain clearly what I mean. my body is really slow and my brain is fogged and I often say wrong things or say them backwards. I usually laugh them off but its getting to me.
my confidence has taken a massive blow and everyday tasks at home are wearing me out, I do pace myself as ive had lupus since 2005 and fibro since feb this year. I can tolerate the endless joint pain, ive toughened myself up as meds wernt working for me. my appraisal is due and their were jokes made about me not being any better in 3 years (a question on my form) they just see me on the outside NOT how I feel. I don't say much as I get bored hearing myself explain lupus & fibro to people.
but its the fatigue, it wont ease, it has been with me everyday (not lying) since 2005. I cannot make enough money living this way,we have sold treasures to pay bills and to eat. my hubby works full time and we don't splurge money on rubbish the bills and rent eat it all. we are not entitled to financial help as hubbys wages are ment to be plenty to live off. I have worked either full or part time depending on my childrens ages,my hubby during the day and me at evening/nights we are like passing ships , ive paid my dues but now are told im basically not ill enough for any help. I don't understand how it all works. we are weeks away from losing our home. I have to find a way to ignore this fatigue; my legs are like lead and hip joints are stiff and painful. im constantly telling myself I can rest when im dead,im missing out on life too. I have to cancel dates with friends,some no longer ask me now.
my husband and family do not understand how my life has changed, as I used to work 16 hour shifts and run a home and be a good mum, I hate this weak person ive become,i don't recognise the person staring back at me in the mirror, she looks worn out and older; a lot older than her years. they ashume as I should be better as ive been poorly since 2005. I hate lupus and fibro,its robbed me of a life I loved.
sorry this post is a moany one but I need to talk to somebody, I know you will understand.
love, caninecrazy x