Families and how to avoid them and cope if you can't ?!?

I received news yesterday that my father who is 90 has been taken into hospital and is in heart failure. They have drainned a lot of stuff from his lungs, even so he is feeling very rough. That having been said my twin bro who lives near my father is adamant that I shouldn't go up to Surrey (I live in Devon) to visit father, I am astonished that someone can think this way, I would never forgive myself if anything happened to my father and I hadn't taken the rouble to go and see him. I managed to get away with having a splint and not a fibre glass plaster but on my wrist -( i've cracked my scafoid), so I can drive, but I think I may take the train. I know it will take a lot out of me both emotionally and physically, but its the first time there has really been a serious health scare with Daddy. My brother is a total controll freak and shouts like anything if he dposent get his own way and trewats me like a five year old and incapavlle of anything sensible. Its a huge long and very very boring sorty which I won't both you with here, only to say we are a pretty disfunctional family and things are cvery taxzing.whenever I have anything to do with them.

Sorry for the ramble - just hurting a lot physically and worried about what's ahead of me.

muchly dottii xx

9 Replies

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  • Poor you sorry to hear bout ur wee dadi il say a little prayer for a quick return to gud health. Siblings!!!! Unfortunetly the rivilary doesnt always end when were kidz. Its sounds like ur bro might be a bit of a perfectionist with an anxiety complex this type of individual often becomes aggressive nd beligerent if they cant control a situation. You kno wat he is like so wen visitin family try to ensure theres alwayz others around to deflect his wrath away from you. Also try to remain calm wen he shouts, dont react, keep ur voice level when responding it takes two to have an arguement so dont be the other ingredient in the mix! Stand firm in what you believe in dont be bullied and remember you only have to endure his company during the visit and after uve fufilled ur duty to family ur free to spend time with people you actually like :-) take care & be good to urself x

  • thak yuo soooooo much - can I pop you in my bag and take you with me ? ;-) My bro is a prat really and gue to drinking too much now has a 3 year ban cos the idiot got his car back from the pound it was takjen too when he was caught, and then I cannot even begin to fathom out why, he drove he cafr again and quess what.....he got caught again. So that is the responsible person he is. I can't unfotunately ensure there are others around as I left that area 20 years ago (thank the Lord !! ) and have very few wpoeple I know there now. But thank you for all your kind thoughts and suggestions, wish I was stronger and not so easily bullied, but that;s the ways its been all my life.

    Take great care of yourself, muchly, dottii xx

  • So sorry to hear about your Dad Dotti. You are naturally very scared and worried about what's happening.

    I may be speaking out of turn here, but if you need to see your Dad and you are physically up to going to him, then you go. Hopefully he will be ok, but on the odd chance that he isn't ok and you missed saying Goodbye, you would never forgive yourself for missing the opportunity.

    Don't be too hard on yourself Dotti, just because you don't get confrontational doesn't mean you are weak. I wish we could help you more, but at the end of the day the decision has to be yours. Whatever you decide, please don't feel alone, we are all here for you. :)

  • Thank you Libby and you are certaainly not speasking out of turn - you have completely grasped what i was trying, not very well, to sady. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if the worst occurs and I hadn't been to see him.

    All my family seem to reat ne like a brain dead idiot of appprox 5 years old. multiply that by 10 and you have about my real age, but tgat makes no difffernace to them. I have always shyed away from any arguements, I hate them more than anything, but for once I know in my heart what I should and will do and seeing Daddy is very important to me !

    I am reaally grateful for your supporty and it is a wonderful boost to be able to speak to people hhera who understadb.

    very very muchly dottii xx

  • I sympathise with you Dotti, my dear Dad had Dementia for almost twenty years before he died recently. My two sisters treated him like an idiot during this time, he used to cry as he couldn't express himself. It made me furious that they upset him. He was badly brain damaged with all the strokes he was having. Like you, I avoid confrontation and arguments and now out of three daughters, it is only me who looks after my lovely Mum. Families hey!

    You are very welcome to the support, any time! Yes it does help when people understand, a problem shared is a problem halved so they say! :) Take care Dotti! :D

  • Thankyou once again dear Libby, I am so sorry you had to gothrough all the pain of seeing your father taken with dfementia, it is such a cruel illness, both for the suffferer ad their family. How demeaning of your sisters, that must have hurt him and you sooo much, you have my greaatesst sympathy. I lost my beloved Mummy 20 years ago in September..... I adored her and so wish she was still here, but not fighting cance was her way of getting away from an unhappyl marriage, I am certain she new long long before being diagnosed - then it was 6 weeks until she died at which point neither my brother or father could cope with any of it - I felt very priviledidged to be with her right to the end, just me and her. Even now my brother swares he was there, which he most definately wasn't, odd how you can make yourselff believe somwthing that never happedned. Sorry, I am exhausted and not typing easily, please forgive me, but so so many thanks for your underdatanding and support. I will certainly take to my heart your kind worsd ! very very muchly dottii xx

  • Bless your heart Dotti! I understand your feelings, I've been through very similar with my two sisters. I don't see them or their families, my children don't see their cousins, my Mother doesn't really see her two daughters (perhaps once in a blue moon!), she only sees me and we talk every night on the phone.

    I was with my Dad right at the end and like you it was such a privilege. I will treasure that all my life. Dad and I were always close.

    If you are true to yourself Dotti, and you know the truth, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or what their version is. I always say that to myself if ever I think too deeply about it. I always think life is too short to bear grudges, not to forgive etc., but some people don't think like this and there is nothing in this World that you can do about it.

    "To thine own self be true" :) Take care Dotti :D

  • You must go see your daddy its what you want , my dad died 3years ago of prostate cancer and all through his illness his wife controlled who and when visited it broke my heart tht she denied us being with him when died i soooo wanted to be with them at the hospice i though me n my stepmum was close but when dad became ill she changed i understoid she was scared , but to denye us visiting him in the hospice was heartbreaking my half. sister and step brother was there so why not me and my sis and brother she gave us some story tht dad didnt want us to see him that way whuch didnt make sense to me i was very clise to my dad and to denye me being with him in those last hours i cannot get round xx. you do what you have to do my lovely and dont listen to anyone who tells you shouldnt i didnt go as i thought i was respecting my stepmum but now i see she just didnt want us there a-d everything was not as rosy as i thought she wanted him for herself and her family and we didnt really fit in which is sad because i live tht lady as if she was my mum and she luved a lie to make dad happy xxx this is the first time i have ever talked about it and shared my feelings i believed we was a good happy family i never caused them any problems like i said i thought we was close but she picked and chosed when i visited the hospice and the same with my dads siblings i still dont undeestand it my kids just think she is mean i saw him last the day before he died for 30mins xx i respected her wishes cause shexsaid it was what my dad wanted xx

  • Thank you all for your very kind words and I am so grateful for your support - its the first time, i've had such help and I have needed it on many occasssions so HUGE HUGE thanks. Mr fibro has stepped in and last evening i edning up with a cracking migraine wich still lingered this morning and one of my eyes is SO sore I can't tell you and so puffed up. I think it would be dangerous for me to drive in this condition also my back and legs seem to have fone into a world of their own. !

    Eventually I rang the hospital (having been told by the bro NOT to do so under any circumstances) and ended up speaking to Daddy. That was what I needed and he wants me to stay put and perhaps go when/if he comes home (i daren't say the if to him tho). Anyway, i can stay put with a clear conciencence and although they have put him on the geriatric ward (which is not what any of uis wanted as he doesn't think of himself in that bracket ) I am hoping that my bro can get his act together and take in father's mobile as they don't seem to have the luxury of phones, tv's etc by theie beds (I can't fathom out why not !!) anyway it means I can at least speak to him, even if its short and sweet.

    GGrrrrr Families and their complexities, I am sorry Libby that yio have had such a rough ride and poor you teresa, your step mum sounds like the one from hell, how caniving (sp?) of her and completely out of order. and I can only say I hope what goes arround comes aroudng for her.

    Thank you again my dear fibro friends, muchly dottii xx