Where have I gone?

I have been suffering with Fibro for 7 years now, I have fought so hard I am at the end. My mental health is now suffering. I have pulled away from friends, I dont want to bring them down. I hadnt realised how bad I had got til a family member said about it at Christmas time. Since then have been waiting for appointments etc. Anyway, I had an appointment at the Jobcentre re ESA. My daughter came with me, as soon as I sat down this woman started barking questions at me, I just sat and bawled like a baby. I just couldnt help it. it shook me! I didnt know where it came from. I thought it was a one off, but this week I had an appoinment with people from the mental health group. I walked in, sat down and bawled like a baby again. I was terrified they would think I was nuts. One of the questions was, what did I used to be like!. You know, I sat there and just couldnt think. Now at home I know I was a strong, beautiful confident woman that loved life. Now I know why I feel like I do. I miss me. WHere have I gone? x

9 Replies

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  • Hi Nanatre. May be you need to have a talk with your Doctor? I know just where you are coming from, I have been like that now for the past 2/3 weeks. I did go to Docs today and hes put my antidepressants. I feel like someone else is in my body, this isnt me here!! Iused to go clubbing and did power walking for a good few years, now am lucky if I can walk down the garden! Its not a nice time for you, but we are all here for you. Sending you a big soft hug Ann xxx

  • Your still that same woman.you just feel lost right now coz this i/llness makes us invisable.

    We do look tired.i look much older than i am.

    It takes its toll.ive had counselling for my m.e/fm and it did me good.

    Im not the same person but ive been in domestic violence and got custody battles on too.

    Ot drags you down .

    I cry alot too.you are just human at end of day.its worrying and not nice the way some treat us in jobcentre.

    Try and think of one postive thing every day.

    X

  • oh darling I know how you feel, if I had a pound for everytime ive broken down lately id be very rich, Before your appointments write down what we d like to say, I now take all the help I can get. I was telling a lovely lady from barnardos I do get really down, I have a black cloud over me, like she said we sometimes need to feel down, we have alot to cope with, try not to feel quilty about them. grieve like I do for the person we were, its a loss, and no one understands but someone whos going through the same, but try to accpet a new you, perhaps a different you, but life does go on xxxx

  • I know exactly how you feel, I broke down in the doctors yesterday. I've suffered with Depression since 1993 and was diagnosed with the Fibro in May last year, after 2 years of agony.

    It seems my depression is worsening alongside my fibro. I went armed with a list of things to tell the doc i was suffering with. I'm not one for going to them all the time but when I do go...I go with a bang! lol.

    Anyway I got through my little list and then...Bam! I was in floods of tears and I told her, "I've had enough, I can't cope...I want so desperatley to sleep properly, I want all this pain to go away and I sooo want and need my life back!" She did the depression questionaire on me and I scored a big fat 21...not impressed. I thought I felt a little blue but bloody hell...seems I'm teetering on the edge of no return.

    I've been bottling a lot of things up, holding back and just pushing through my days as best as I can....because I don't want to seem like a whinger and be seen as pathetic. I actually thought I was doing ok to a degree but obviously not...just been putting on a brave face for myself aswell as everyone else.

    So yeh...we all feel the same. On here though we have each other, people who understand exactly how each other feels. I'm so glad I found this forum.

    Big soft hugs to all. xx

  • Oh honey, I totally relate with you. I've had depression and anxiety since 2007, and there are times when the tears just come, but I usually feel a bit better after them. You need to tell your GP how you're feeling. There are lots of different anti-depressants out there for you to try. The first time I saw my GP about it, I sat down and burst into tears and said that's why I'm here.

    I also talk about my life before depression. I used to go out and enjoy myself with my DH and friends, and do belly dancing, but now I hardly leave the house. Pushing friends away, not answering the phone or door, are all typical symptoms of depression.

    You're not alone, and we know how you're feeling.

  • Oh my goodness, tears again. It sounds awful but I am so glad I am not alone, though I wish all of you were well and not have to live with this awful thing. Shazbyt, I am so much like you, I bottle things up, say I am ok when I am not, just because I dont want to go on and on about it. I want just once to wake in the morning and just get up, like normal people, not lay there in so much pain I cant move after a night of cramps and pain, not being able to turn over, not even the strength to pull the quilt over myself. I am so glad you lot are here, God knows how I need to know I am not alone. You get people say they understand, but they don't. they have no idea.

    Thanks

    xx

  • Hi Tre, reading your blog took me right back when I had been newly diagnosed and was sent for an interview at the job centre I went with a friend and we were in an open office with no privacy what so ever and the woman started her questioning and i burst into tears, I was so bad she eventually took me and my friend into a room on our own.

    She then said that she had seen another lady a week or so ago with Fibromyalgia and she had reacted exactly the same as I had.

    I think we have to mourn who we were, and welcome who we are becoming.

    Soft Hugs,

    Sue x x x

  • I think maybe weve all had that "breaking down" moment in front of the doctor, I know I have (mine is usually frustration with her though) Is there any wonder that depression goes hand in hand with Fybromyalgia? I defy anyone to live with the symptoms we endure daily and not eventually become depressed :-( I have just answered a text asking me to go out to the pub tonight....of course the answer is NO! because we will be walking more than I am able, drinking alcohol which takes me 3 days to get over, what is the point!? When you weigh up the pro's and cons the cons always come out on top :-( I used to be the life and soul of the party! I would love my nights out and dance the night away..I would give anything to just be the person I used to be...I'm surprised I have any friends left. I so relate to you and I too am glad I found this site where we can say exactly how we feel without being judged. (((gentle hugs))))) to you xxxxxx

  • hi i am so sorry, i know just how you feel , i went to work and had a full life, enjoyed getting up in the mornings, i loved gardening and you will never believe this house work to, cooking i loved walking my little dog,i had lots of friends, but four years ago , my twin sister was very ill and living in spain , we have this faulty gene and all get breast cancer, i had it twenty years ago and have pulled through it , but my poor sister , it spread to her overises , she lived with me and her husband to, until she died 18 mouths later, in this time my husband was made redundant twice and my two sons split up from there partners, on top of that my dad at the age of 82 devorsed his wife , they married after my mum died of breast cancer, we moved him from Gloucester to Peterborough, and he was diagnosed with prostrate cancer, wich has spread to his lymph nodes, , over the past three years that this has all been happening, i was working in a high dependently unit, i started to get a lot of pain , in the end i had to give up my job and then found out i had fibro, know my life is so different, i lost a lot of which i thought were friends, now i have just one and shes stuck with me through it all, i get like you if some one asks me how i am tears start to well up and i change the subject , i dont want to go out and yet every sat we were out, i was so bad at the begining of this year and ended up having a agument with my son which is very raer but know he has band me seeing my grand children and one of them was only three mouths old , he is now 5 mouths, and i havnt seen him since , my son refuses to let me see them , he thinks i am a head case and need treatment and that i am mental, i often wonder why i am here, so please you are normal, i thought i was going mad at first, but WE are not, just haveing to live with the pain , please take care and god bless you sue xx

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