the strength to keep going

Ive never given in to anything in my life, and Ive always had to fight to get what Ive wanted from life, at 24 I was told it was highly unlikely that my hubby and I could have kids, 12months later I was pregnant, sadly my little boy was stillborn at 38 weeks, we were again told we couldnt have anymore.

I went on to have 4 in 7 1/2 yrs, we then tried for 6 yrs to have my youngest daughter, and after a very traumatic birth, prolapsed cord and her nearly dying, she was born healthy, she now 13, and a joy,

Thing never went easy, 3 of my kids are asthmatic, with my middle son serverely effected, he also had sleep apneia, and was given loads of steriods, so at 13 he was 15 stone, I had to home school him until he was 16, he s now a chef and looks like a male model, he ll kill me for saying that, but he is stunning, my youngest son is severely dyslexic, so he took alot of schooling to get were he is today, I fought tooth and nail to get him statemented, he s now a engineer, high scored in college, and hoping to go to uni,my eldest son bought his own house at 21, and my eldest daughter got her degree and master, so all that hard work paid off

So what Im saying is, when the going gets tough the tough get going, Im damned if this illness will ruin my life, Ill live my life to the full,it might be in a different way, but Ill bloody well do it

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I dont know any other way to deal with it onlly to fight for some sort of life

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I spent all my life fighting one thing and another - none of it was pleasant as many of you know. I kept going initially for my siblings, when I was sexually abused and raped and tortured at the hands of my "father" (I use that term loosely, for obvious reasons - to me he is/was, the ogre) for 2-3 years - though physical abuse began at aged 4 - the rest came in my teens. - Though to me, I was seen as just to cook and cleaner to my siblings, as even as we entered adulthood, I was ALWAYS an after thought. - I kept going when I had my 2 girls - even though when I split with their father and them subsequently telling him they were not wanting him visiting them as it was always boring and asked him to not bother coming to see them again - I kept going when I had a full hysterectomy that became infected the same day it was performed - and no-one in the medical profession heard my concerns - we know out OWN bodies - six days later as the staples were being removed and the pain of the operation so unbearable - my 6 inch wound fell open! I had to go back into surgery - they said for an half hour to clean infection out and STITCH me this time - the operation took 4 hours and was much more serious than initially thought. Even the patients on my ward were worried - but on awaking I felt bloody wonderful! - I found out just how serious it was - I had MRSA and they never said anything - back in the days when we were still ignorant of it. Am so glad I did not leave my daughters orphaned

I kept going when I got hit by a car as I was cycling - his fault entirely - 2 days before the school summer holidays started for my daughters - I was treated like crap by the nurse in the A&E, who said my injuries were "just grazes" Those "grazes" were a 4 inch DEEP puncture from a spoke of my totaled cycle - that left a 2 inch, life-long scar on my left calf muscle - and multiple punctures from the sprocket wheel on my right shin. My right knee was x-rayed as I'd landed on it as I went over the handlebars and landed awkwardly - I was given a stretchy leg bandage "just in case" - to stop any swelling of my leg - My right leg swelled to 3 times it's size by the night-time. It's still not back to normal - but I kept going and was again glad my daughters were not orphaned. And I've kept going for years with such pain I never knew before that day - I just kept going and going until just a year or so before I was diagnosed and pain and depression had started eating away at me - I kept going until the moment I was going to top myself - taking the girls with me was planned too - I did not want to leave them orphaned. - Then and only then did I stop keeping going and realised I needed help. I thought I was losing my mind the pain was so bad - was it all in my mind? My GP was brilliant but baffled as to why I was hurting all over - why a slightest tough made me scream and recoil. It was another 2 years before something must have twigged in her brain and decided to send me to Rheumatolgist for diagnosis - I fell to pieces hearing what was wrong with me - but as much as I am still, 7 years down the line, trying to get a balance of sorts to my life - I picked myself up and kept going - until just 6 weeks before moving here 3 years ago and - Grieved the "loss" of my eldest daughter - Oh, no! She'd not died - far from it - things were getting along well with the 3 of us - at least I believed so - but something came up that she was the cause of - suffice to say after 13 years of not seeing her "father" - so I thought - she phoned her father to come and get her as she couldn't "live with THAT bi**h anymore" That's what they referred to me as - I was so shocked I could not move or speak - I was totally struck dumb! She'd admitted she and her dad had been in touch a very long time - so I watched her go. - I hoped she'd have a change of heart and come back - but we still heard nothing from her when 6 weeks later we were offered a 3 bedroomed house. nor had we heard from her a week later when I got the keys and moved in to this house - it was then I broke down and grieved for her - I did for 2 long years - and I kept going for my youngest daughter until I decided the eldest was a grown woman and could look after herself - she'd brought the whole sorry situation on all by herself - blamed me for everything wrong in her life - that I should get over myself as I was just depressed - And guess what? I kept going through all that and I will keep going through all the future brings me despite the Fibro - That future hold more Grandchildren for me - and brothers and sisters for my Grandson! And Fibro be hanged!

gentle hugs and much love,

Carol xx

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do you know what listening to your story makes me think, we bloody well owe it to ourselves to have a life, Im damned if I ll lay down and die, yes life can get shitty, literally somedays[lol] but sod it Im alive, and I sure as hell tend to keep going, I want gran children I want to see my youngest get her degree in archeology, I want to see my youngest 4 settled into their own lives, and grow old disgracefully

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Well folks, much as I love my Dad, he was not a good father as he drank then and my poor Mum suffered from depression in the days when women were still particularly scared they'd get put away for life if they asked for help. GPs gave out shopping bags full of valium in the 60s and 70s until they found out they were addictive after all and my poor Mum never had another moments peace in her life and she and lot of women like her were treated really badly by the medical profession who had got them seriously addicted in the first place! Long way of saying I didn't have much of a childhood. I was the adult in my house and I had to be. Some of you have heard me say bits and pieces so it will probably come as no great surprise that as I grew up not knowing how to live and with zero self worth - when I found things that could make me feel better, and more of them made me feel better still. I went for it big time and ended up about every place you can imaging a drug user ended up. I was lucky because I worked in a job that paid a fair bit of money and drugs were often free.

However, I got to a point where I wanted to change my life and my partner of 13 years just wanted to keep on partying so I walked away from my whole life That meant my home, my friends and a whole back catalogue of music. I left with the only thing that really mattered apart from him and that was our two dogs.

It changed for the better after about a year away from home getting healthy. Sadly I never met another man I wanted to have children with, gave long hard thought to doing it myself but looked around at all my single parent friends and decided I didn't want that for myself or my children. That broke my heart again.

I could go on, but you've heard or will hear it all at some point.

The point is like most of you, it hasn't been easy. Thanks Lally for opening up this topic so that we can all say and remind each other how tough we are - but not too tough to ask for help on here or wherever it's available.

If the 'normals' out there had a clue how we really live and most of the time managing to be pleasant to almost everybody they probably wouldn't believe it!

Have a good day everybody.

Whippets x