Well, I've decided that no matter how strong I am, no matter how much I say fibro won't affect me, no matter how much I push myself....fibro has well and truly got a hold of my life.
I'm really struggling at college, my exams are coming up and yet my brain just won't take the information anymore. I was always really good at exams but since this has got me, my brain is in danger of shrivelling up into a prune
I'm starting to doubt whether I can actually manage uni. So many people have faith in me, and are behind me but I don't know if I can actually do it. I have dreamt of teaching for so long, but what if I can never teach? What if the fibro means I can never achieve that dream? I will have worked so hard to study for so many years for nothing.
I'm just feeling really crappy. My last essay has been passed back to me because of the referencing (the newest drain on my energy) and I just cried and cried. I got so upset, and decided to walk home to clear my head. I cried most of the way, and now I'm in so much pain I knew as soon as I got home that I shouldn't have walked. It's about a 40 min walk, but team that with the fact I had my coat on (was a really hot day) and a really heavy rucksack and it was a spell for disaster. Before this happened, I always walked to and from college and now I can barely move. My eldest had to take the little one to school today because the thought of walking made me want to scream.
Sorry for the rant, just needed to get it out to people who understand. My friends and family are brilliant but I don't need 'you can do it' or 'don't be silly, you will walk this' I need someone who understands that it isn't that easy. It isn't as easy as just getting on with it and pushing through. The harder I push, the more fibro wants to bring me down. I don't think I have the energy to push anymore. I struggled to open a carton of milk this morning because unscrewing the lid hurt my hands. I have two almost black eyes from wiping the tears away when I was crying. This is madness, black eyes from wiping them....it's ridiculous.
Rant over....for now!