Am going to need a fair old bit of support.
I've lived with this condition unwittingly since 1997, managing the original RA diagnosis as well as I could. I'm a big girl. Have been for years. Clinically obese. It has shaped medical attitudes towards me and it took the medics 10 yrs to finally admit to the FMS on top of the RA and it being the main cause of all the pain they couldn't get a handle on.
At the beginning of 2009 I got in the right mindset to start losing serious weight through dieting, under hospital control, having been refused a gastric band (it's a postcode lottery). Nearly 2 years later, I'd shed 5 stones, while working full-time, trying to eat sensibly and manage a divorce & eventual relocation.
By Spring of 2010, I was back in heels after 15 years of sensible shoes and I was feeling more sexy and womanly! Still in loads of pain, but smiling more
I wanted to get enough weight off so that I could start proper dance lessons, although I knew that it would only be achieved with massive levels of painkillers. My partner has always dreamed of us dancing together on evenings out (or holidays abroad, romantic locations etc) and I wanted to match him and enjoy being "normal". While still working, I was buying a new wardrobe of sexy lingerie and clothing, with all that in mind. I was doing my best within the constraints I had.
In Oct 2010 I knew I was going downhill, mentally and physically. In the December, the BIG flare up hit and I haven't worked since. No more daily toning up on the stairs at work (no lifts). I've put back on a good 3st of that weight I'd shed. Have also lost the face I was finally beginning to see, not having seen the "real" me as an adult because of being obese for so long.
My partner, bless his heart, has settled for smooching with me gently, but I can only do that for a few minutes at a time. It's the best I can do right now and I cherish the times he grabs me to smooch wherever we happen to be, embarrassing or not. I shall smile any time we revisit Dunhelm Mill lol.
Inside I'm a slim, vibrant woman trying to get out. Even when she does (yes, the diet is back on again!), she won't be the same woman I've dreamed of being all my life. I don't want to be defined by this condition and by being fat.
Am tired of all the battles, but obesity is one I want to win. The original goal was 10 stones of weight loss. Exactly half my body weight. If I can get back to shedding those regained 3 stones as a first goal, that will be good. My fave high heels are out in the bedroom to remind me.
After thinking I'd escaped the Easter eggs temptation this weekend, yesterday my partner, who's away at the moment, directed me to the chocolate bunnies he'd hidden. My willpower failed and they are now history! I didn't touch choc for 15 years but came off the wagon badly last year.
That's it. No more choc. This weight has got to go! Please wish me luck and, if I may, can I call on you guys for help when things get bad?