I've posted on here once before nearly a year ago as I was worried my Boyfriend was getting frustrated with my health issues. Things thankfully hugely improved with him, but now he's giving me a hard time again.I'm only 28 and have severe Fibromyalgia, as well as Type 1 Diabetes, IBS, Osteopenia, Anxiety and Depression, and my Immune systems pretty bad too.
I've never learnt to drive because I just don't feel it's doable for me or safe due to the pain and severe fatigue that hits me out of nowhere. My concentration isn't great and Im rubbish at multi tasking, and I get very anxious too. Although my Type 1 Diabetes is well controlled I do get hit with the occasional nasty hypoglycemia episode (dangerously low blood sugar) so these are the reasons why I've never learnt to Drive. Despite this I'm still independent travelling on my own to places on Buses or Trains. I only work part time on a self employed basis due to my health, so I don't have that much money either so paying for driving lessons, buying a car, insuring it, buying fuel etc are all additional expenses I can't really afford, so this is another reason as well as the saftey issue of driving that makes me feel learning is not a practical choice for me.
Ive told my Boyfriend this in the past. But last weekend my Boyfriend started getting really pushy about me learning to Drive because I need to be independent and need to stop letting my health hold me back in life. I found this very hurtful as I've achieved a lot in life for someone whos chronically ill and I am very independent. It's not like I have ever ask him to drive me about to places either. I always get myself to anywhere I need to go and I've never once asked him to take time off work to take me to a Hospital appointment or anything like that. I've always gone by myself on the Bus or my Dad takes me in his Car.
Anyway my Boyfriend says drivings easy, and anyone can do it and I am just using my health as an excuse. He treated me like I am ridiculous for believing driving isn't safe for me and completely down played the severity of my conditions like they are nothing and shouldn't have any impact on my life. He also recently made a comment about my Job saying being Employed is a much better option, and he doesn't seem to get why self employment is the best choice for me. He also told me I'm too pessimistic for simply bring realistic about my limitations, and this deeply upset me.
I'm starting to feel like he loves me for who he thinks I could be rather than who I actually am. I love him but once again I am having doubts about the relationship.
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MysticAura777
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Hi there, I first would like to congratulate you on managing your Medical Conditions so well, and also being self-employed in a part-time job. You seem to be looking after yourself very well despite having Chronic Health Conditions.
I’m going to be totally honest here, but your boyfriend is behaving in a very controlling manner, and that should ring alarm bells.
If you give in to him on this, he will then start on something else for you to change, and from what you’ve said, it is not the first time you’ve had problems.
I don’t know how long you’ve been with your boyfriend, but you have to ask yourself “ does he love me for who I am, or for who he would like me to be?”.
I would be very careful in this relationship as your boyfriend should be supportive of you, and not trying to make you do things that you would find hard to accomplish.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but you’ve worked hard to try and be independent despite your Health Conditions, don’t let your boyfriend put you down by making you unhappy by trying to make you do things when you say you’re not able to do them for all the reasons you’ve stated in this post.
Some would say that from the outside not knowing your boyfriend that he will be seen as he is exerting coercive behavior so be careful of what life you wish...Choices can be limited with fibromyalgia so take what you can carefully...
I am sorry to hear that your boyfriend is pressuring you. Everyone wants to feel loved for who they are as a person. Perhaps it isn’t a case of “loving you for who he thinks [you] could be rather than who [you] actually [are]”. Maybe he thinks that driving would make you feel more independent. On the other hand, if the pressure feels controlling, that would be concerning. It’s hard to interpret his behavior without experiencing his tone of voice and mannerisms. Driving can seem overwhelming initially. The first week of road practice is the hardest because many decisions need to be made simultaneously as one learns to push controls and pedals. Manual (stick shift) transmission cars can take longer to feel comfortable driving. If you choose to learn how to drive, I recommend starting on a car with automatic transmission, if possible. Also, keep some glucose tablets and or glucagon with you at all times and plan in advance for areas where you could pull over, if needed. You are lucky to have good public transportation if you choose not to learn how to drive. In terms of work outside of the home, maybe he thinks you would enjoy meeting others, increase your income, and gain a sense of accomplishment and that’s why he keeps suggesting it. In the end, you have to decide what works best for you.
Thanks. I will add that I do work outside the home as a self employed Model and travel to many different places for different photo shoots with many different people. I won't lie is not always the easiest Job for me with the travelling, anxiety, being on my feet, and posing etc, but I do enjoy it and it pays far better for the few hours I can manage to work each week than most other Jobs. I usually do 4 hour Shoots twice a week and get the pay Id probably get for 20 to 25 hours a week in an Office. I've also gotten to work with many people several times over now who have become very aware of my conditions and will let me take as many breaks as I need. I can say yes or no to Jobs depending on what I feel im up to, and if im ill and can't make it they will very often reschedule the Shoot Date for me. The only downside is if I have a flare up and cant work for a week or 2 I dont get any money and of course the works not always gauranteed, but I do alright from it. Its a great Job for me and I feel very blessed to have something that works so well for me overall, and gives me this independence. If I was to work any more than what I do already I'd suffer complete burnout and have experienced this in the past from working too much. Hence why I wish my Boyfriend would just be happy I'm able to do a job I enjoy that works for me and gives me the independence he thinks I lack.
I am so sorry he is pushing you. I have recently passed my test after being told I would never learn to drive or pass and there are things I am finding very difficult and struggle to do now because of fibromyalgia and autism. I keep telling myself that nobody knows me better than me and that I should do things the way I am comfortable with and in my own time.
I think you've done really well and sound very independent and well-informed. You aren't being pessimistic (people tell me this too), you just understand yourself very well. Have you explained this to him?
Hi there. Thank you.I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. Yes I have explained it to him but he just can't see it from my point of view and thinks I'm just negative and unreasonable and using the illness as some sort of bs excuse for being unwilling to do anything with my life. Mostly he's very kind so when he suddenly gets ideas like this in his head and starts saying these things it's always a bit of a shock to me and makes me start doubting the relationship and what he really thinks of me.
first off you deserve praise for what you appear to be managing to do with dispite the medical conditions. Off course, only you can decide what you feel is best, and how your relationship plays out. If as you say he is also kind etc, praps he is pushing this because he does care how life is and will be for you. Driving certainly does open up alot more confidence, freedoms and gives the ability to remain more independent and although we probably all been there in some way we find we are able to tackle and succeed in things we think will never be possible. sometimes we do need a caring ‘push’ to take the leap. is heControlling-or does he care greatly - only you will work that one out.
Thanks.I wouldn't mind so much if he just made the suggestion but acknowledged why I feel worried about the idea and said something like "it's up to you. Only you can decide, but it will make life easier for you, so why not give it a go and see how you find it"
But it comes across more like he thinks he right and I need to do this, and he knows better than me about what I can do, and I'm just being ridiculous and unreasonable for having valid and sensible concerns about it, and like he thinks I MUST learn.
Ahh, that's so frustrating. I am having the same problem as people who are normally kind just don't see my POV. I've had to take the approach of "Well, this is what I'm going to do so....". I hope that if he loves you, he will just let you be you, even if he doesn't agree.
You’re welcome. Your job sounds interesting. I would not recommend poorly paid work with longer hours instead! You are lucky you have had understanding coworkers and employers. I did not get a formal medical diagnosis of many of my conditions, including fibromyalgia, until I retired from the professional workplace. It would have helped to have had formal diagnoses much sooner as it would have given me workplace protections! Now, in spite of fatigue and pain, I am choosing non-desk-jobs which require movement. I want work that will improve my health, not worsen it. Last month, I finished a few months of political canvassing (door walking). This week I started working at a local ski resort. It involves a lot of movement, it is low stress (so far), and I get to downhill ski before or after work if I choose. I am going to start ice skating at local rinks again too. I try to choose low impact activities that seem more like fun than like exercise. I try not to overexert myself, or I feel like a drained battery for 2-3 days. I hurt when I am doing nothing, so exercise isn’t always in the cards. With Fibro, I always feel like my body feels way worse than it should with the amount of activity and exertion I have done. I am trying to build up a tolerance to being active more days a week. A few summers ago I did English riding lessons once a week. Do you have favorite activities that keep you moving that you recommend?
Yes it's very difficult to get the balance right, and wish you all the best with it. For me I find being most active on the days I work and less active on the days I don't definitely helps me. That being said I still try to do something on rest days as not doing anything can make me seize up and that hurts too. So I try to get 30 minutes of walking in on rest days but with breaks so walk 5 to 10 mins, find somewhere to sit down for a while, walk a bit more, sit, and so on. I also do light house hold chores on rest days but at my own pace with breaks. But I listen to my body too, if I'm in severe pain I do maybe 15 minutes of walking with breaks and just the washing up. I'm also waiting for hydrotherapy which I think will be helpful. Personally I find it's about doing as much as you can so you don't seize up but listening to your body and resting when the pain and fatigue starts getting too much.
YOU don't WANT to drive, you don't NEED to drive and YOU KNOW all the reasons why, their YOUR reasons.
Honestly tell him to Eff Off! If he doesn't like it he can keep on Effin Off! And remind him not to let the door hit his controlling ar$e on the way out!
YOU don't need to keep explaining yourself for anything, YOUR LIFE, YOUR DECISIONS.
He's trying to bully & control, don't stand for it.
Sorry if this sounds a bit brutal but these are his issues not yours. You're 28 with more than enough to deal with without his insecure crap!
HiDriving does give a sense of freedom I believe but never let anyone control you.
It's obvious your suffering etc.
Manipulation is a cruel & twisting beast.
Do what makes you feel happy & comfortable & do things at your own pace.
If your uncomfortable with your own inner most feelings then move on,sorry for the harsh advice etc.
Don't be blind sided by anothers on sided mannerisms.
The short shock treatment with fibromyalgia suffers does not work ever.
If he shows no support then abort the relationship forthwith as this will bring you down into a downward spiral & make you far worse then you already are.
You are to be congratulated on not letting your health problems hold you back. It sounds as if you are dealing with life really well….so please don’t let your boyfriend guilt you into doing something you don’t want or need to do. I hope he is suggesting it with your convenience in mind, but I fear it sounds as if he is trying to control you for his convenience.
Congratulations on speaking up & making your concerns known….. .
You say you have Type 1 diabetes & that you have occasional Hypoglycaemia attacks..I think if you look up the latest DVLA regulations you will find you might not be able to get a driving licence….so please check this with your doctor, & as you don’t feel the need to drive … - don’t put yourself through the stress unnecessarily.
Good luck with your job…….I hope your health begins to improve & that from some of the answers you get here your boyfriend will now understand the stress he is putting you under & will stop behaving so unreasonably.
Oh my goodness me. Your boyfriend is so wrong . You are doing amazing as you are . I am at the beginning of my anxiety/panic disorder and im on medication for this, so until it's under control, no way will I drive again. Driving is anxious at the best of time! You are really wonderful, you are thinking of other drivers safety as well as your own. To me, your boyfriend is a bully . Please do not listen to him
I won't say much as you've had lots of good advice already, but just to add that I pushed myself beyond what I should have when I was first unwell and ended up housebound and very limited for the past 20 years. Listen to your body, not to other people and don't make the mistakes I made. x
You are an amazing lady with how you have sorted your life and made good and supportive friends and bosses in the first place! It's working for you quite well it seems and your Dad is probably very happy to help you out.
I was indeed very pleased to be able to pass my test in my early forties but it has left me very reticent ans somewhat scared about using any public transport alone now my eyesight, bladder and leg cramps are a slightly bigger issue. If you live in a town and are going to other towns to work, then travel by train, bus or coach is such a good thing to be able to navigate and negotiate. I have simply lost masses of confidence about getting from A to B and back that way and most roads are now insane in so many ways! It is going to take a lot to get me back into that with how I am now - at 78. You have to think seriously about driving at that age too.
I would like to as am in the country and my husband has been ill for quite a while and only recently recovered, so my son who has frequent migraines has had to take me to another town thirty five minutes away so I could get the acupuncture treatments which I rely on, or south to see my other sons, or until recently, west to visit my sister who was dying. That was stressful and ideally, moving to where there was a railway station would have been something I might have thought about years ago when we moved down here.
Close and loving relationships can still be fraught but if you want to quieten down the hormone intense male in your life, though he may indeed be your past life soulmate, then maybe look at one of those holidays in Wales if they still run them, where you go and learn to drive with a group of others, which could be fun or not. -Just see if you actually like driving.
Meanwhile, 'Aged Crone' is Wise ... the possibility that you will not be allowed a licence is very real... Best wishes with your career and friendships and see what summer brings. And if you do pass a driving test ever, then 'never ever' trust yourself driving through a ford unaware that the local boys keep pulling up the height of the water marker, without checking first!
Hi, not good behavior from him ,really the strain of learning too drive every week and your bound too hit a patch on a lesson where you do not feel well on the day. I so wish people would live in someone s shoes who has fibro let alone other health conditions going on. You sound like you are doing what you can when you can so congratulations for doing this. xx
As others have said he does seem to be bullying you into doing something you don't want to do. Also I think you may not be able to get a licence because of your Diabetes and the Hypoglycaemic attacks. You need to check with DVLA first.
As Welshcatlady says you need to check with DVLA. I was only permitted a licence after reports from consultants and then it was time limited to 3 years and I had to fill in a form every time and get reports before my licence was renewed each time. You may find they refuse to grant a provisional licence or restrict it.
Tell him to sod off, you deserve better and you know when you are in the right relationship when someone is supportive of your wants and needs, things you can do and can’t do, they don’t pressure you into anything. He sounds opinionated when it’s not him who is poorly. You are 28, plenty more fish in the sea as they say x
Hi strong person, I say this because I think you are like most people in life, underestimating just how much you know your own mind and going with your gut feeling… it’s usually a pretty good idea to listen to it😀I am pleased to hear that things improved for your relationship and I’m not a believer in expecting anyone to act on anyone else’s advice, it’s just that advice as you and only you know how you feel, and certainly not advice from strangers and yes there is a but…although no relationship is perfect I do agree with Greenpeace in as much as he does seem controlling with his attitude. We all have to learn lessons in life and sometimes it is the hard way. But perhaps you should think very carefully about whether he is the right person for you. Everyone has their limits and you will find yours just please don’t waste your life in the process. Life is too short as they say and you have enough to contend with without being pressured to do anything you don’t want to or feel comfortable with. Take care of yourself and do what makes you happy and comfortable 🤗x
Speaking from experience, the controlling behavior and disrespect WILL get worse. I don't have a crystal ball, but I've just been down that road and seen where it heads.
Start with respecting yourself and proceed from there. Arguing won't get you anywhere. You know what's good for you better than anyone else, and you have a voice.
I would check with your GP and perhaps with the DVLA; there are a lot of new driving laws now, and it is quite possible with Type 1 that you would not be allowed to drive or gain a licence.
I was like you, I didn't want to learn to drive, but was bullied into it. it took 5 years but I passed, and I was so glad I did, as it became so much easier for me with 2 kids once my husband passed away.
I don't drive now, My eyes are no longer good enough, and my son is Type 2, and not yet stable on medication. I do miss the freedom, though.
Cheers, Midori
desquinnPartnerVolunteerFMAUK Trustee• in reply toMidori
Type 1 would not stop you from driving by itself. Plenty drive with no different licence and conditions s than this without type 1. And before licence withdrawal then a medical restricted license is an option with a review every year or 3.
I’m really sorry, but I’m going to say this, your boyfriend is displaying Cohersive controlling behaviour, red flags everywhere, no one has a right to tell you what to do or how to do it.
You are brilliant, a shining star, who is surviving every day, if you are having to put up with his nonsense then you are more than likely putting on a brave face keeping him happy as well as trying (successfully I might add) to care and be independent for you.
Your health and happiness matters more than him and he will pull you down. You do you and hold your head up high. It’s a sad truth but he will continually look for his next angle to push you.
Don’t believe that you won’t meet anyone else, or you’re not good enough, YOU are more than good enough and you will meet someone who treats you better. I totally know how this reads, but as someone who has worked professionally with survivors of Domestic Abuse, you deserve so much more. There are organisations who can help you to start a new journey please use them. They will help. You must be some warrior to reach out to people on here. You are amazing xxx
MysticAura777, Your Boyfriend still sounds like a selfish sh£t STILL,
Please don't be offended, I have to tell you like last time, You are such a beautiful sole inside and out, You are an independent young woman that needs to fill your space with happy thoughts and positivity all around,
You stuck by your man even after he displays nothing but how controlling and demanding he is,
Please don't get trapped by this man, Saying driving is easy??? Everything is easy....When you have done it and become good at it, You are you, and if you doesn't want to do something is not a option for anyone to tell you differently,
You are right to worry about driving with your illnesses anything can happen, I gave up my bus driving because I didn't want to cause injury or god forbid death to anyone, I can feel now If something is coming, Flare or cfs is closing in,, I couldn't recognise the hints before,
Like you said, It is very dangerous, Infact, you would you pass the medical side of things????
Is he wanting you to learn to drive so you can go and fetch him if say he was too p88sed getting home? I'm sorry if I am being a pain in the butt for going on,
I just hate it when a partner is a pushy control freak, You don't need to be with such a zap of your loving aura, It's there ,in your user name MysticAura777 is far from your I'm upset because my Aura is being snatched away.com,
If you switched places would you act like him? No is the answer,
I was so scared of being on my own, I stayed in a non-loving situation and know how quickly it can go south in a very short time,
Take your injured inner you and give yourself a hug and only do what you want to do, Please,
you need someone in life whom supports your decisions, respects you, accepts you as you are, that is real love.
the person seems abusive, its quite concerning, if live together ensure have a grab bag
if do an internet search for 'power and control wheel' image this explains
its best for all in relationships to be aware
trust your gut.
further more dvla asks about medical conditions they will decide with your dr notes if eligible for provisional license, when send the form, if awarded a provisional license, its up to you to keep them updated or carry on and learn theory then practical pass tests
to drive with block lessons with a professional driving school,
Sorry to hear this!! Sound advice above and I have 20 years of experience to draw on confirming it! P ay attention to red flags and consider addressing it whilst you are relatively well. difficult relationships are hugely stressful which is the last thing we with fm need. When that stress starts to affect your health the house of cards can quickly fall and then it may be extremely hard if more ill to do what needs to be done.
His 'not getting it'-i have a close relative who after, 30 years of fm utterly derailing my life, STILL, says those wonderful words we all love to hear ...'but cant you just push thru!'
My painful experience here is that tbh it wudnt matter what I said, gave her to read, showed her, told her thru tears etc...NOTHING goes in The suspicious opinion that actually I am making a choice about choosing to live this way due to being lazy (or some other negative word), never goes far away. I call it 'willful ignorance' I cant see how it can be anything else. It IS their issue but we have to live the painful and emotionally debilitating consequences of it. Trust and openness in the relationship can then be hugely affected and it can be severely and detrimentally altered from what it was/cud be. I wudve walked away from my relative if i cud have but family matters meant I cud not. It sound like this issue has recurred again for you so dont think it will go away-sadly i dont think it will.
I dont underestimate the emotional impact of all this on you now and in the future..just sharing what ive learnt in the hope it might help you...😍
re driving - sounds like ur really clear on this one- you dont want to. Its not up for discussion ..end of.
You are stronger than you think. Your body. Your health .Your life. YOUR choices!!
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DWP, ESA.... I'm coming to get you. I'm a mad black woman. Be afraid.... be very afraid. 
Hello :-)
Can I have some mobility advice please?
Devastated 
Good morning all my fibro friends :)
