First of all I must warn you,What I'm about to write on here maybe some might find it unpleasant,Or upsetting and If you are of a sensitive sole DO NOT read any further Please don't judge me, I already do this to myself,
So, It's 0213 and I can't sleep yet,I was asked by my therapist on Thursday to do a little so called homework again (I think this might be the last time going because all this 'homework' is doing my head in now,
So she says write down one of my rituals, I feel compelled That if I don't do this then something really awful will happen, She says it's self harm, I say not,but I'm disgusted that I have been doing this over three yrs now and can't stop, Otherwise of course I would,
I start at my feet picking at the scabs on my body which I can reach and work my way up my body I have tissues in case I get a gusher (I'm on blood thinners)
Not only do pick but I eat my scabs too, I'm sorry if you are disgusted, I'm telling people because she said writing to people would be a start to all my crappy things that are all related to stress, anxiety and depression, Maybe It's a pain that I can control unlike Fibro,
There's just too much all whizzing around in this broken bonce of mine
Written by
Debsdelight72
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Perhaps a trigger warning with more space. I will edit to add such space. Also while I appreciate your therapists homework message I wonder if it would be better placed on a self harm forum and would also be more on topic that being posted on here.
I think your right to suggest maybe a more appropriate forum Des. While I and many more I'm sure will appreciate the trigger warning signs.
Some of us like moderators and Admin have no choice we have to go in and read the posts. It's what we do incase of a person is threatening suicide etc. We need to be able to sign post the person to the appropriate place of help. Which you have done on this occasion. Thank you.
The forum on here I would point you to is this one healthunlocked.com/anxiety-... and while it may not be 100% right it may be able to sign post better.
Once again I am sorry, I guess I should have thought it through a bit more and have decided I shouldn't go on- line whilst so tired, unless it's shopping for bling, Haha
I hope you are as well as we all can be, I'm not sure what to do? Other people are commenting about the posts,I don't want to say as in We should all go to a different site? I don't wish to be rude to those that want to comment,
I am certainly no therapist and definitely don’t have all my ducks in a row, but I have got experience of the improvement obsessive behaviours (mildly with myself and a bit more pronounced in one of my best friends).
After talking therapy with someone she trusted, my friend was able to reduce her repetitive compulsions and intrusive thoughts to a much more liveable, less harmful level. She hardly has them now, but when she does she recognises what is happening and is able to address the stress and anxiety that has caused these behaviours and thoughts to creep back in.
I think these unwanted compulsions, whether particularly self destructive or not, operate on several levels. The most basic level is the actual physical comfort derived from picking/scratching/excessive grooming. It’s an animal instinct thing, in my opinion. After all, human beings are basically apes with anxiety! It is possible to recognise that you’re hurting yourself and to distract yourself with other, safer outlets for physical expression.
Hope you won’t mind me saying this, but I feel that something you and I have in common is actually a very strong will… I had a therapist for a while and wish I had listened and trusted more. The truth is, I had 2 distinct sides to my unhealthy/unhelpful thinking. On the one hand, I was convinced I was helpless and useless, absolutely hyper-critical of myself. On the other hand, there was a part of me that was very cynical, didn’t think I needed help and refused to reflect on the real issues that were sitting in my brain un-addressed and sore like neglected wounds… One day I realised how strong (and stubborn) I could actually be. Which is actually a great thing if you channel it in the right direction 😀
Also, isn’t it wonderfully ironic that we get these thoughts telling us that our weird behaviours are dreadfully important and actually can control events in the outside world? Yet we feel that our entire lives are out of control and can’t control our own unwanted compulsions!
You’ve been very brave, making a frank confession. I believe that you can build on that. Try to let your therapist help, or maybe find a new one and start again if it all feels a bit stale after a few years working together. We do so many things to spite ourselves, but in reality we are worth as much as anyone else and deserve every chance to have a comfortable, contented life.
You’ve been very open with how you are felling and I am glad you have had therapy too understand things and sometimes why we do things, I was told if I ever got anxious too ping a lastic band on my wrist (which did sting) and it was too take my mind off over thinking or doing something when I could not control my anxiety and when I felt low . So many people that have Fibro unfortunately do suffer with anxiety /depression at some point in their lives . I am sure there is an appropriate forum where you could talk , has your therapist suggested any that are helpful and point you in the right direction . Take care x
Hi, I am exactly the same with the picking and eating. It is gross but not when it's happening isn't it? I also have lichen planus, a skin condition that causes itchy spots, so I have plenty of inspiration... Its odd though, I never really thought of it as self-harm. All the best. I can't get therapy for love nor money xx
Stuff, What area do you live in? I know It's a post code lottery I'm afraid to say, Ask your GP to refer you If possible, I think you have to self refer now, Not sure, My ailment Has been with me for over 40 years It's like an old enemy popping in and out of my life and because of this, No matter where I live, I can call and get support
My Hubby Is a dab hand at spotting things and getting me to some sort of normality, Just finding a way to get out of the house just for the sake of going out and not because I have an appointment.
It's nice to know I'm not alone,( I don't now how to say, It's far from nice and I wouldn't wish anyone to be in the same situation)
Hi Debs, I forgot to respond to your question. I'm between Oxford and Abingdon (UK). There's so little in the way of resources for health these days. Toni
ArtfulLyricist, I lived in Oxford for 19 years, Dragged up in Barton,Had Babies in Rosehill then back to Barton, House share right next to Green Rd Headington,
Where I met my Hubby, I drove the no: 4x occasionally on a night shift,Barton-Kidlington on my day shifts
Up North now, We spent 11 years in Basingstoke (good place to live) Up North,
A little bit further North now and don't intend moving again now, Unless we have to live in assisted living,
Can't your GP refer you to the JR for any treatments? Or have they gone down?
I got referred to rheumatology in 2017 I think, for diagnosis, after suffering the symptoms for years, but was offered no treatment. I've been on Tramadol (well managed and taking minimal doses) since 1996 for a spinal nerve injury during an epidural, so I wondered if that was why, but I forgot and keep forgetting to ask.
I was recently been referred to pain management and had an initial consultation, with follow up details on self referrals to physio and 'optimise' which sounds good, but I need to find those emails again cos I keep forgetting to self refer 🙄 oh the curse of fibro fog!
With Hashimoto's Thyroiditis too, adversely affecting my memory, them asking me to self organise anything is so hit and miss, which makes it risky. So I better get on and do it now while a) is in my mind and b) the service is still available to be had! 😅
Good luck to us all in getting the support we need and hugs too.
Haha small world indeed, I am also a Tramadol user (8x50 aday) I have hypothyroidsm amongst other things I had a lumbar puncture every 3-6mnths for approx 4 years to drain most of the fluid in my spine ( I was producing far too much cfs)
I did ask how this was effecting my spine they assured me It would be fine,😡, I also have sciatica and massive leg spasms when I try to stand for any amount of time and ripping my spine along with my lego feet (have you ever stood on Lego?) and my balance is 💩 too, Anxiety and depression make leaving the house a huge issue,
sounds like I'm bragging HaHa I'm not, It's just crazy how different people can have such a different life with different meds at the end of the day,
Hi Debsdelight72I think you are being to hard on yourself. I feel quite a few people do what you do. I know I do. I never saw it as self harm it is just what I do. I know 2 of my sisters do it and my grandson. I don't pick as much as I used to and I do wish I could stop, but hey how I'm not going to worry about it as that makes it worse.
I so hope you find some support that you can use to help you.
Sending huge hugs and please don't be too hard on yourself
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Fibro fog is definitely out there and probably coming to a sufferer near you soon.!!! SORRY
Very angry to say the least!!!!
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