handling feelings around turning down invitations

[Lussan]

Hallo, I wonder if you could share how you handle your feelings around turning down invitations from friends and family. How do you handle it? I feel low because it seems like friends around me, even good old friends, have a hard time to take a no for an answer when going out, parties, holidays are concerned.

That’s a bit of a recurrent pattern. Loved ones insist for me to join activities, even after I say no.

It’s no fun to say no, and even that, I have to explain, still to no avail.

The pressure sometimes goes only up , they offer to pick me up, to pick up my child, to come and visit me. I appreciate enormously all these efforts but, at the same time, I found myself feeling guilty as I keep explaining this or that is just totally out of my reach, I can’t, I am not well enough, I am drained, I am folded in two, I don’t want to meet new people when I am at my lowest …. They ask me to come anyhow , to meet even only for 30 minutes, they question why I don’t put my mind to it and just do it. I feel then aggravated. They know me. They know I am fighting like hell to keep working, I have a 10 year old son I am taking care of, I am brave and press on … but they still push and question . Two days ago I talked over the phone with a childhood friend, she said she’s disappointed we couldn’t meet this summer . I don’t know how to handle it, it’s already tough enough to be 49 and see my life fading away quickly , without having to say sorry and explain myself 100 times all over again . Thanks for reading all this mega message , thank you

[Hazel_Angelstar Administrator FMA UK Staff]

everyone deals with situations like this differently.

Personally, I still try to attend as many family/friends occasions as I can - even if I only go along for an hour or two. When I'm invited to anything, or making plans - they know that there is always the risk that I might need to cancel at short notice.

I see my friends on a regular basis (we meet weekly to craft) and also see family regular

For me, I refuse now to let fibro decide how I live my life... I may have to adapt and know my limits but I'm in control of what I do and don't do whereas in the past there was a time when I let fibro be in control (and would say no to invitations because there was a risk I might not manage)

[Gm23]

you need to not feel guilty if your body isn’t up for socialising - it will make a huge difference. What I would say though is don’t be afraid to tell friends or family how you feel and how your illness affects this - be brutally honest! But be open to those 30 min visits - even if you do feel rubbish because it absolutely helps when being unwell affects your mental health.

I’ve had a similar experience over the past couple of years due to several chronic illnesses and I don’t feel guilty anymore for being unwell, it’s frustrating but you need to listen to your body and accept what it needs. It seems like your friends and family care as they offer to help with your kids etc so take advantage of it, say yes to the help! Make sure you stay honest with them and explain exactly how you feel so that they can understand better too.

Try avoid getting to the point where you don’t get invited to things anymore because that would cause a lot more hurt.

Wishing you good days amongst the bad! X

[Christine_new]

i too had this problem..so I told them I can't tell you in advance if I can join in or not ..ask me on the the day..an exceptionally persistent friend really stressed me out ..so sometimes after explaining 3 times..I simply ignored the messages...it took a while..but no one pressures me now..say no a few times to the same request after that ignore..

[JayCeon]

Working and taking care of your son is a lot already. I understand all you've described.

Your people seem to love you and enjoy your company a lot, how nice!

I do it similarly to Christine_new and Gm23 as fibro is part of me and so when fibro "decides" = my body decides, I decide. But I do try going to events for 20 to 60 minutes, although it's more stress, because if other people are there it's easier to go quickly or to be apart in between. I organize smaller meetings with people together with someone else, in my case my wife. She then stays and I go back home. Meeting places near to our place, but often not in our place, cos of CoV and harder to have my peace. If I'm alone people have to be happy with what I can give.

I tell/warn people under exactly what circumstances I can meet, that I may have to cancel, that I'll need a "corner" on my own for myself and take a mat with me so I can lie down or do exercises.

I've stopped explaining or excusing myself, I just say something like "I'm thru" or "I'm over my limit", then "Bye, it was nice, thanks so much!" with no further goodbye talk, no answering anything else.

[DodgeDhanda]

HI L.

I'm sorry U've come to the point where U feel things are a drag & the possible guilt afterwards.

Well U & ur son are top priority & so it should be & reading what U've written , I see why & where attending gatherings is hard.

I'm fortunate where my kids are in their 20s so I can choose as & when I join in. Like tonight I'm going out for a meal with family members who we are all in dsame WhatsApp group. I need to rest up at least 2 days if I wish to attend any event as it takes it all out of me & I'm bed ridden for 2 days after too, but I do enjoy my time out.

There have been times when I've not gone due to the fact I've not been either well enough or feel like it & I tell them I'm not coming & they understand as they know me & I used to be a party loving animal but times change as does my health.

I don't feel guilty not attending gatherings as my first responsibility I'd to me & my health , I would however ask family to take kids if they wanted to go , but they drive now & so can do their own thing

Life changes & like it or not we need to accept it & adapt to things we can can't do & don't beat urself up over it but don't be so pig headed that U damage ur health even more for very little reward.

Do U have close family

[Lussan in reply to DodgeDhanda]

thank you for sharing your experience. I think I come to a point where I need to choose how to tackle the future, I pressed on for years with work, with house chores, head down , try to press on all the way like the illness is not there. But it’s there. And understandably at 18:00 I am totally knocked out , obviously I can’t join any social activity, something has got to give. Most people I know who are as ill as I am don’t work or at least much less. I kept working because it helps me mentally but I don’t have anything left in terms of energies for having fun.

[JayCeon in reply to Lussan]

Here the phrase "Work was his/her life" is often used. Not meant badly, it's a choice, like in your case, what helps you more, what is important.

I use table tennis as an indicator - I need it mentally, so if I weren't (or am not in the months after the jabs) able to play that for 30 minutes a day, then I'm not able to work either. Which is already true by the fact that that amount of table tennis to my body is about the same as commuting to work 2x40', meaning I wouldn't be able to work there.

I am able to work 5-15h/w from home and I've negotiated a way to make it possible for another 2 years (cos of 1000+h of overtime). Officially it's only 5h/wk, the rest is for fun or to balance out bad weeks.

[ninjananna]

I guess it's all about honesty, and being open with these people who are supposed to be your "Friends"...... if I am invited to social functions, I say...."sounds great, body permitting". I got fed up constantly telling people why I couldn't, or might not make it..... which made ME feel worse, worthless, and upset, so I explain NOTHING now. You sound as if you have enough on your plate to deal with, and I salute you!! There's only so much you can pile on top, so N°1 priority is Yourself and Son! Love and blessings 🧡🙏🏽