Am so angry blown my top again today. Becoming more frequent. At end of my tether, threatened to walk out after yet another blazing row. Should have done it years ago but foolishly didn't. Seem to be in a constant flair, with one thing or another recently, totally stressed out and no chance of pacing. This has gone on most of my married life, 55 years, as DH is arrogant, selfish, stubborn and unreasonable. There is no way I can get through to him. Doesn't understand the meaning of anxiety , depression or feeling upset, or even basic logic. It's as though his brain isn't able to accept the concept, so he can't react to me in what I think of as a normal response; or he just doesn't want to. So there's no chance explaining fibro., with its exhaustion, fibro fog, let alone the pain and insomnia. Everything is because I don't want to do it, or I am trying to get my own way. I honestly think it is verging on cruelty. In fact I do wonder is this is part of the cause of my fibro. I sometimes feel he is trying to brainwash me. He has no empathy, understanding or kindness. Only sarcasm, making points , trying to prove who is right or wrong, or whose fault it is - never his. It totally does my head in, there no middle ground or compromise ever. Always stalemate as he always turns it round and says we row because I want my own way all the time. If only. If i tell you he was involved in politics for almosts 40 years, I think that says it all. He also tells me my daughters agree with him, that is why the don't visit very often. I think it is because they don't accept I am ill either and are so wrapped up in their own lives they don't want to be roped in to have to help .On the negative side, or the plus side as far as he is concerned, DH has recently been diagnosed with dementia and is almost immobile, so he can't remember holidays, nor what .... he has put me thro in the past. All I want now is a peaceful life, where the responsibility for everything is not on me all the time, where I get a little appreciation now and then, and be able to do some of the travelling we have waited to do. I had hoped things would change when he retired 3 years ago, but that is when things went even more downhill, so now I have resentment added to the anger. Thanks for listening.x
need to vent: Am so angry blown my top... - Fibromyalgia Acti...
need to vent
Oh my gosh, you vent on here as much as you want to because if you keep arguing with him it will only make YOUR pain worse.
Can't you just sit down with him and explain that stress makes your Fibromyalgia pain worse. Or get him a book about Fibromyalgia that explains how the pain affects people????.
Or is he the kind of Man that just don't give a S..T. If he's that kind of a a Man, do you have any good FRIENDS that you could talk to, or even go to their house for a coffee and a chat .
Just before my Husband and I retired we planned to do so much together.
Especially travelling
We went to America a couple of times, but that was it
I haven't been out of the house for about 5 years, except to keep Hospital Appointments. That's only because he makes me go .
He's a Wonderful Husband, He's my CARER,he does all the washing, cooking, cleaning etc
We don't always agree about everything, but I usually win in the end. But even so, when we do argue i always get a real bad FLAIRUP. I have such a lot of other disabilities that sometimes I just wish I wasn't here.
But you sound like you're going through such a lot both Mentally and Physically. You really need to do something now while you're still able to .
What if you rang your Daughter's and told them what's going on at home, could they come and see you, just to have a quiet talk.
I know they have a life of their own
BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU ARE THEIR MUM.
AND YOU CAN NEVER REPLACE YOUR MUM.
Oh i 🙏pray that things work out for you.
It's bad enough having this HORRIBLE DISEASE, without having to deal with all that.
Take Care of Yourself and stay strong.
❤ x
Oh hunny, it really does sound like you’re going through it!! Gjkas has made some good points that may be worth you considering, I really hope you can get yourself to a much happier and healthier place xxx
Thanks for caring. There is such a lot of lovely people on this site.x
It’s what we are here for 😊 to help and support one another the best way we can. It really does make me sad that you’re in this position and I truly hope that you find the strength to put yourself first xxx
I very much believe in the addage "in sickness and in health" when you agree to marry someone but there are always exeptions to this as sometimes people have to walk away from a marriage for their own sanity. I honestly don't know how you have stood that for 55 years, it sounds like mental torture to me from someone who has a very manipulating personality. Unfortunately, if he is in the early stages of dementia this is only going to get worse. The stress of this and the pressure it is putting on you will have contributed to you continually flaring as stress tightens our already aching and tight muscles adding to your pain.
Turning this around on him it could be that your children are actually very aware of how their father is and perhaps can't face seeing him and it might not be anything to do with you. Have you ever given your family a factsheet on fibro as it is a very difficult illness to understand. Families are often very frightened of illness so put the proverbial head in the sand. My husband knows I am ill and is very concerned but even though he is loving won't read up on the illness as it frightens him!
Normally I would say to give your husband a fact sheet on fibro but it sounds as though that would make no difference.
I think you have to really weigh up the pros and cons of staying with him and perhaps start to see what alternative accommdation there is in your area that you could perhaps apply for such as sheltered housing? If you could get the support of your family life would be so much easier.
My husband and I have been married many years. He has multiple health problems, epilepsy, cancer, anxiety, depression, diabetes etc and it makes life very difficult for me as he finds life very difficult and really doesn't want to go places. Unlike your husband he is a loving kind man who never belittles me so I find it so much easier to stick with him through the highs and lows and I know he loves me. It sounds as though you have no love left for your husband and perhaps have walked away from the marriage some years back but only you can make what would be a very difficult and hard to make decision. You have to ask yourself whether with your state of health could you cope with caring for him as his dementia gets worse, or would you want to?
Come on here as often as you need to as sometimes just seeing your thoughts written out and knowing you have our emphathy can really help. I do hope you manage to sort things out.x
You have to think long and hard about the quality of life you have at the moment. How much and how long you are prepared to carry on with a person who behaves like this with you. What you have to think of is, in years ahead, when you look back, Will you say, I regret not changing my life at that particular point in time because then, it will all be to late to change any of it and your life would have passed you by. I do truly believe that everyone is entitled in their life time to peace of mind. Happiness and that comes in many forms. Empathy and understanding. To feel respected and have autonomy without criticism. xx
You really are going through it and I really feel for you. It's a difficult one. Have you got any respite from your husband, can dementia care help out. Sometimes our partners are angry and confused that we are ill and it spills over and things are said that we see as unkind and uncaring. I know that fibro has made me over think things and has made me over sensitive to comments from others. I did seek help through my hypnotherapist and now I manage to sometimes take a step back and think about what was said and had it been said by another person would I still feel the same way. I know when my husband was seriously ill I was angry and upset and felt totally useless and unable to help him and perhaps I wasn't as supportive as I could have been. Nobody can advise whether to leave or stay, that's a very personal decision Please see if you can talk through options with someone qualified to help you reach the right decision. Feel free to rant, you are part of the fibro family - we are here and only too willing to offer support whatever you decide to do. Chin up - let us know how things are going.
Hi
I really feel for you. You e been through so much with this man. Could you show him this forum and how bad fibro can make us feel. Also, could you see your GP for advice going forward? Pm me if you need to. I'm usually awake as u only get 1 hour or less sleep per night due to pain. Take care of yourself. Love and hugs Lynne xxxx
Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate you taking on board all my concerns. Having calmed down a bit, I realise that things are not all bad, all the time, - yet - and that my anger probably provokes some of his nasty attitude, but I am so frustrated when I don't feel well, and am having a bad time, that he doesn't respond with any sort of empathy , either physically, emotionally, or mentally; his response usually being that he doesn't feel well either , and he does what he can when he can! Which is all well and good, I can accept that, but that is the limit of his concern. But where does that leave me? Most of the time I can carry on doing the day to day jobs, by pacing, and things go along fairly smoothly, but when I need him to step up to the plate, on any level, it just doesn't happen. And try as I might , to explain to him that it is this this dismissive attitude is what is makes me so angry. But it is futile. He either doesn't understand or want to understand what I am saying, and obviously the stress makes a bad situation worse. I expect things will settle down again soon. Thanks again.xx
I feel for you Shelwitt. I was in a similar relationship but eventually got out and I have never been happier.
If you cant get out, I know it's not easy, then put yourself first and dont bother getting into any communication with him about your illness, he will never understand and just stress you out more.
Hang in there, stay strong, we are here for you.
Big hugs
Sue xx
Oh ShelWhitt I know exactly how your feeling ! I had a bad car accident in December 2013 and was off work nearly 2 years ( I was ill health retired eventually ) and because of my injuries my DH decided to betray our vows so he left saying he didn’t want to be with a cripple and silently I sighed with relief , he was my 2nd husband and mentally and verbally abused me so I said good luck with him and his new bit of stuff , I did warn her by the way but she laughed , so be it and after nearly 2 years she did learn it and that was him gone !!!
Karma had struck lol . Oh he had bipolar and was sectioned once and 3 attempted suicides before me I had found out !
Yes you do need to vent but I think you need to ask your daughters what they think ask if you could meet at one of their houses to meet and take whatever paperwork you need to show them “ this is your painful life “
I have had an extremely bad weekend as my doctors neglected to repeat my prescription of my morphine tablets so had none and still do but at a reduced amount as I od on my fibro tablets .
Not getting at all men but some can’t do illness it’s that simple !!!!
but he has his own problems and I should think will get worse , and not knowing how this is controlled perhaps that can be explored further with inclusion by your daughters so they can see first hand and hopefully be better prepared now and the future , just a thought ?
Or even a starting point ?
My ex has now hooked another woman and they have recently married , god help her !!!
Anyway it’s good to vent and sometimes there is help so carry on .
Hello Shelwhitt
I'm Michael I'm a man 😎 with fibromyalgia and everything that comes with it I believe you and understand because as a man with fibromyalgia no one believes me because it's classified as a woman's disease but men do get it to I worked till I was in my 40s now I'm 50 now and I just can't juggle it anymore so I just stay to myself no friends or family I get sick of explaining to people what's going on with me and hear from them I'm making it up or I'm lazy or crazy or I just want attention I'm so sick of people this disease is real and very hard on people that have it
Just get away from those who are not there for you that's what I did it's hard enough dealing with what we deal with day to day and then have to deal with those who don't believe us
Hello shellwitt, I have been married for 32 years to a husband who is just like yours. Always picking faults, telling me I’m lazy because I just don’t have the energy to do things. I had my 60th birthday in September. Have suffered with fibromyalgia since 1990 have multiple problems now, osteopenia, osteoarthritis, and to cap it all I suffered a trauma in January 2018, I broke my hip and had to have s total hip replacement. He did nothing when I came out of hospital. Said it wasn’t fault I broke my hip, can’t blame anyone else (as if I was!), absolutely no empathy!!Expected me to come home and start looking after him! He’s 55 and fit and able bodied. Has called me names, I’m a cripple, geriatric senior citizen. I’ve come to the conclusion he is a narcissist. I contacted women’s domestic abuse line, on advice of hospital nurse, they said it was emotional abuse. I’m still ‘living’ with him, but desperately unhappy, he goads and bullies me mentally and verbally. Keeps secrets from me, has holidays (paid for by him mum), though he has money, but never takes me away, nor even out for a cup of coffee!
I have 3 adult children, my son has his own home. 2 daughters but they go round their partners most night. The older daughter says it’s because ‘we’ argue, yet it’s him, he just comes home, says I e cooked him wrong dinner, says it’s s**t! I cook from scratch. I d tried not bothering but that makes him even worse! I don’t argue back then he shouts that I’m ignorant and rude and throws things sometimes too! I can’t win!
I’d like to divorce him, I d asked him for one but he just said I won’t get anything out of him and he’s not divorcing me.
When I married him I was a year widowed ((28, my first husband took his own life in our car at our home, I found him). My present husband moved in swiftly under the guise of being kind and supportive, with hindsight I think I was vulnerable, in the wrong place, but everyone said how nice he was etc!
So, I know exactly how you feel. I’m now in constant daily pain, my hip is not right and I’m suffering multiple problems and pain in that lag, plus my back too, where other side of my body is 1 1/2cms shorter now.
Sorry for rant, but there are probably quite a few people like us, leading sad and lonely lives, though not actually living alone, we are very much solitary.
My heart goes out to you, and others and Gunnswarrent444, there by the grace of God go I, 😢
Oh forgot to say, I lost my job too as I was unfit for work! Never rains, just pours.
Understand what you say, and life is never easy when you get older and both have health issues, either together or alone. It's dilemma a lot of us face, and some don't even have a choice. I too was a smoker for a lot of years, so can relate to your husband. Been stopped now for 10 years, but it wasn't easy and I could easily start smoking again tomorrow. In fact my health was better whilst I was smoking, although I know doctors would dispute that. I am convinced, in fact I know, I felt and coped a lot better with stress and pain, than I do now, but of course that too is a double edged sword, as we all know the dangers. Take care . x
Dealing with responses from family...
Here I am - did you miss me? - Hmmm? Well, I miss ME! :'(
another unhelpful ignorant comment
just thought I'd add something. serious - read if you want to.
