Let Down

[Ava78]

My in laws told me in my face that I am pretending that I am in pain, I feel disappointed. Has anyone have this experience because I took it very hard and don't want to speak to them.

[Sorebones]

I'm not surprised that you took it hard. How dare they? Sadly though there are so many like them. I hope that you husband stood up for you. Take a deep breath, count to ten then relax. Promise me that you will wait until you have come off the boil before tackling the problem. Nothing is achieved in the heat of emotion 🐸

[bigfattoe in reply to Sorebones]

Had the same said to me hun..so nasty ..i glow in my face take after my dad...alot of people think my son is my brother he is 35 ..it drives me mad...as my dad was the same he had cancer with rosy cheeks no lines but died at 62 ...he looked well but a very poorley man...some people are so dam rude and judgemental and know nothink...hope you ok thou dont let it get too you i understand wer you are atxxxx

[maggi999 in reply to bigfattoe]

You are right bigfattoe,

I see a woman in a community centre who knows that I am off work, waiting to be medically retired. Her son-in-law works in the same building as me. Every time she sees me she makes comments about how healthy I look and how her s-i-l who is 'nearly 60' wants to retire but he can't afford to.

I usually ignore her jibes but I haven't been to the centre for a couple of weeks now, just to avoid her.

I feel like telling her every detail of my fibro, how painful it is, how brain fogs affects me, how exhausted I feel each day - but really, that's none of her business! I don't actually want to confide in her because I have no trust in her. The problem is, I'm losing out on the social aspects of the centre (it's only the fortnightly film club, so it's not too demanding) and I shouldn't let her do that to me.

[Hidden]

Oh Ava I am so sorry this happened, some just don't understand what we all go through. And being a Family member/s must be hard for you. Have you tried to explain to them, or shown them leaflets, or online fibromyalgia and how it affects you. I haven't experienced this myself but I can imagine how it must hurt you. And how alone you must feel with your pain. Does your Husband /Partner understand, if so can he talk to them , if not, maybe your Doc can explain and try and help. I hope you can resolve this soon, as can't be good on your stress levels which won't help you. Gentle Hugs Hun .xx

[BlueMermaid3]

Oh Ava. What a horrible thing to say. As Sorebones has said, I very much hope that your husband stood up for you.

This hasn't happened to me, but I just wanted to say how much I feel for you.

I wonder whether if you had a calm conversation with your husband, telling him just how much this has upset you, maybe he could have a word with his parents explaining how much your conditon affects you. They may listen to their son more.

Or perhaps you could write a pleasant letter to your in laws explaining Fibro and how it affects you, although you probably don't feel too inclined to do that right now 😁

I very much hope you manage to resolve the situation.

Wishing you wellness and peace

Lu xx

[Scottish-piglet]

My ex husband told our youngest daughter that I was just pretending, she thinks I use the walking stick, crutches and mobility scooter for fun, she's 24 and a real daddy's girl.

She has seen me and my eldest daughter has told her how bad I am. Ignorance is no excuse.

As

If your husband is supportive ask him to talk to his parents about how bad it is for you, if he's not supportive he may have voiced his opinions to them.

[andreasuperstar]

Ooooh that makes me really mad. Where to start....at the lowest level - is it that they simply know nothing about fibro and could be educated? Is it because they think your illness effects them or their son and are taking it out on you? Or Is it that they are just meanies? We know that because often we look ok,people don;t understand why we feel so bad but what massively concerns me here is the question of you ''pretending''. That to me sounds like they are calling you a liar, a malingerer or a whacko. How did your husband react? I so hope you were supported. I don't want to fuel how you are feeling, but I would find it hard to forgive this...and probably wouldn't.

[Janet28]

That's dreadful Ava & I really do feel for you. It's just ignorance honey. As Blue has mentioned already, I would print out all the symptoms of Fibromyalgia & write on the bottom 'This is what I have to deal with on a daily basis so I really don't appreciate your comments about me not being in pain" give it to your hubby & get him to give it to them. Tell him to tell them your not with him because what they said made you really upset.

Don't stress about it hun. They just need educating, they obviously don't have a clue and people look at you and think your ok but inside your in pain but you have to carry on with your life the best you can and actually make out your fine and some people just don't understand.

Luv n hugs

Jan

[Hurtingmom]

My in laws are long dead- I was not in pain when they were alive. My MIL did tell

me my floors weren't clean enough for my children. As I worked full time, I suggested she ask her child( my husband) to wash the floor

[Katherineanne in reply to Hurtingmom]

That was a great reply to your. M I L about the the floor. Made me smile and chuckle. Thx

[Katherineanne]

Yes I have. I am sorry for the hurt and invalidation you must be feeling. I understand. I actually had my mother in law tell me, late last year...the following exact quote after she asked me to put it on speakerphone, none the less: so this is what she said, " you are not worth anything other than wearing a down an impression in the furniture. You need to find some way to provide value to your family." In addition to basically raising my son alone because my husband works nice and long hours and not having a family and friends around to help me. I have been an amazing mother that I know of all the things I've ever done I am the best mother I can be perfect? no. But I am a loving perfectly imperfect example of a mother. There's not a thing that I do that could not be seen with shaved completely up as if I was brainwashed by the world in regards to my child how he's treated and how he grades there's not a single thing I'm ashamed as in regards to my son.... Does that mean I've done everything right? No, it doesn't. Of all the things I know about myself I will move heaven and earth and do my very best to be the best mother I can be even if it means not being popular with him at times in order to have can be the best version of himself.

Getting back to o her evil spirited comments to me...she then had

the nerve to hang up immediately after stating her lovely commentary to me. I don't know the parameters of your situation and it probably doesn't matter... because who is someone else to put someone down in regard to our circumstances because if they really understood how is like to live in my shoes or yours, for that matter. Believe me, the treatment would be completely different... I believe that their would be empathy and understanding. There was absolutely no reason, in my case, that I deserved, earned, warranted that kind of treatment or talk from anybody. I was left with my mouth wide open after she hung up...shocked and incredibly hurt to tears. It was actually a catalyst for me in a positive way, to make sure that I only gave the effort I had to those people that deserve my time, attention and care. I learned that some people are spoiled when they don't get their way...even taking their petty ways out on another... they are and csn br hateful. Even more hateful when they have heard you say on at least a couple of occasions, over several years...some reference or another to the issues that hinders me, and of course she had always been completely dismissive and disreguards all of it. This is the same mother in law who has never bought me a Christmas present before but has talked to me at that she doesn't like that I do not set my hair in curlers. My hair is naturally curly and so 1 year for Christmas she gave me a gift card to go get my hair done . I have lots of people tell me I have beautiful hair and besides that I am NOT a girl that's going to cut my hair in curlers every night not today not ever . So you know what I did with that gift card ? I bought some hair products so that I could take care of my pretty curls. I did not get my hair done because as far as I was concerned it was a waste of money for me. But I did find the value of some nice hair products to my benefit and so that's what I use that card for . Lots of people say and do things under the guise of helping and I have found unfortunately that we often have to gauge their motive . I prefer not to have people in my world that I have to gauge their motives and be careful about. So I do my best to not include those type of people in my life today . I hope that you are able to do the same even if you have to interact with the in laws you do not have to share your vulnerable self with them. I do not know why your in laws were so hateful and I spent a lot of time trying to figure that out that with my mother in law. I decided this... Something my father told me a long time ago is yes, 'stop trying to make sense out of something that's never going to make sense.'. He then explainrf to me that people who do things that don't make sense will nrver makes sense as we know it..they do not fall into the realm of understanding from people that do things that typically make sense of somethings...my Dad told me,..

you can not make sense out of something so senseless nor will you ever be able to do so. Because people who do not make sense will never make sense to people who are logical, caring, loving eetc. There is no sense to their thinking. I'm sure you know this does not have anything to do with a difference of opinions and people disagreeing. This has to do with peoples actions and words... your in-laws probably , if we talk further are likely to fit in that too...means g no explanation of their insanity, boundaries, hatefulness... Or All of the above. I have to say, the only information based on facts, that I gathered from her words was that she was trying to be deliberately hurtful to me, she blames me for things in regards to her sons interaction with her and for some of his flaws. I don't know for sure, but she us small in her thinking. She hurt me inwardly literally, outwardly she humiliated me, put me down. I kniw intellectually that my parents never demeaned me and that I have never had my parents speak to me in that way. And believe me my parents had me sit down and addressing that needed improvement or I was floating author of my life to you as an adult but they did in a way that embraced me and made me want to be the best version of myself. That's what people do you love you bring you to a higher place and let you take off ... In a proper direction if you that what you needed. I'm sure you've also have the following thought since your in laws said those things to you... "What is it I do that let people think that they can speak to me, treat me and act towards me the way they do?" Months later, if I think about it for too long it still hurts so much... as a a physical feeling, like someone punched me in my stomach. I try not to sit with that too long because that is completely not good for me and undeserved... even if its from my memory and recollection....still bothers me. Sometimes I wonder why things happen and sometimes I think it's because there's something we need to understand, learn and/or grow from... Maybe this is something like that for you, as it was for me. I realize that when the chips are down,in a bad mood,doesnt feel tended to in skme manner...my mither in law will strike out like a Viper. When she hung up on me that day,I was not immediately able to reply. But yhat was a blessing...ended up being the gift. At first, I wanted to write her a letter to convince her why her thinking was wrong. I thought maybe I need to call her... Ask her if I had done something wrong. Hiw craxy is tgat? Very. So, because she hung up on me, it gave me the opportunity to look within myself about how it made me feel. I checked to question myself if I had any complicity it what happened... that brought on her behavior and what decisions was I going to make about this from now on in regards to my safety and sanity physically and emotionally with my future interactions with her. I no longer include her in my precious valuable circle of intimate interactions ever. Initially I did not answer the phone from her phone call because I was very raw. She went right along as if everything was okay. I was not OK initially... I was like trash on the floor. I felt like less than and not good enough. Eventually. Through conversation and self searching... I realize that I don't live with her, I did not marry her and that I will give her the respect that she has as the mother of my husband's mom and as the grandma of my son and my two step children. I decided that if she me herself...that I was answering my phone because its my home, my house and I was going to answer and I was going to treat her professionally polite which is code for courteous and appropriate. Usually how I treat ,approach or don't really know you and you're not my family or friends. Badically, goid manners. So I did nothing that was evil, or deliberately humiliating back to her nor did I decide to respond to her at all. I hope you do the same. I also did not stoop down to her level and strike back, explain myself in any way and I decided that if she wanted to throw me down...she did ,but I was down fir a little bit before realizing that I was not going to let her keep me down... Her or no one else. I was going to keep my head held high, my chin up, my shoulders back and continue to live my life with the best integrity with, who I was as a mother, a friend, a wife and a child of that person in the sky. So, when she does call...I answer the phone and treat her professionally politely and would say things like, "I'm fine how are you?"... then I would mention that my husband wasn't there or he was there and pass him the phone. That's all she gets for me and its not a bit resentful or passive aggressive, in any way. She has just "changed her slot"/in my life... of how she affects me, how I have evolved and how I interact with her. Life is really short. This is still a work in progress for me, as it is not so far behind me, but as far as my mother in law is s concerned she probably thinks everything is OK, but actually...truth be told: What she did has made me a stronger person today and I'm not even done with all that I need to learn and grow from in regard to this and other things. So treat yourself as precious, keep those around you that make you be the best version of yourself and never ever are deliberately trying to be hurtful, manipulative, or hateful and anyway. If you need to talk about this at any time - - and ongoing process.. I'm in a better spot today than I have been, but that doesn't always mean that I will be. I do my best! Again if you need to talk to me...message me and I'll be happy to just listen, and be your friend. Thats what you deserve is people who have your best interests at heart, love you through the difficult times and raise you up when you are falling down, when you can't help yourself. If your in laws do not fit in that category they do not deserve that slot in your world. Again message me if you'd like... if not I wish you well and keep your chin up!

[Katherineanne]

Please forgive my posts length if long posts bug you...not my intent. Also, I apologize for the the obvious auto correct on my cell phone in the part written referencing the mothering of my son. Guess that's a humble reminder to me to proofread before pressing send. Thank you.

[TheAuthor]

I am so genuinely sorry to read this and i can understand how painful this must have been for you to listen too. I want to genuinely and sincerely wish you all the best of luck.

All my hopes and dreams for you

Ken

[XmarciaX]

Oh bless Ava how some re act is mind boggling to be honest. I would personally ignore them as their intelligence is of something very poor. I hope they don't suffer if they ever come across this fibro crap. But as my mum n dad says what goes aroundcomes around. Hope your husband stuck up for you hunny.

[ukmsmi4]

Hi Ava

You've had some very good responses here. I often feel that those around me, those I love don't really fully understand what I'm going through. No-one will unless they are going through the same themselves. But I'm lucky enough that none of them are so full of bitterness and hate that they would say such a thing as that.

I can't really add much to what the others have said other than, I'd rather be full of pain than that kind of bitterness and lack of compassion. Lack of understanding is one thing but lack of willingness to care is quite another.

As the others say, if your hubby understands then perhaps he could say something to her. Particularly if she for some twisted reason feels bitter because she feels you are bringing him down (even though that is total rot) then she is more likely to listen to him. I know my MIL (who I normally get on with very well) made a thoughtless remark last year about how she couldn't cope with the mess in my house that my husband didn't hear but really upset me as I had worked so hard to get the house ready for her visit that it half killed me. When I told him (after she left) he went mad. But when he had calmed down he confronted her with it and said she was not thinking when she said that and did she realise how much it had upset me and told her the reality of how hard I HAD worked and how much it had taken out of me. As I suspected it was because she has her own problems, she lives on her own and is used to her own ways and as such has developed a touch of OCD. But he explained that that is her problem to learn to cope with and she should understand that others have their own problems and not to judge by her own standards when she doesn't know the truth and full extent of others issues. Things have been fine since then as she just made a thoughtless comment rather than said anything with ill intent but even that can hurt if people aren't careful how they phrase things.

Alternatively, if you felt up to it, you could confront her and ask her if she realises how hurtful she has been, how cruel and uncaring, bitter and twisted she sounds saying things like that, how can she justify what she is saying, how would she feel if she was in your shoes etc. At least if you could find out why she said it then you may be able to enlighten her as to the truth and reality.

Only you and if possible your hubby can really figure out what is the best approach to take to her from now on but I would suggest you have nothing to lose in asking her as at least then you will know what she really thinks and how you can enlighten her. It could clear the air but I can also fully understand how it could make things worse so only you can figure that one out as you and hubby know her best.

I hope you can get something sorted soon. And if not just remember she clearly has issues herself if she really is that bitter and nasty. And if that is the case and she refuses to see that, then don't waste your valuable energy worrying about her.

Look after yourself.

Margaret.xx

[ukmsmi4]

Sorry after saying I didn't have much to add, I've written half a book

[Katherineanne in reply to ukmsmi4]

I did same thing when I replied but my was much longer. Yours looked short compared to my empathetic rant. Your words were so kind,soft and compassionate. Your hubby sounds like a good man.

Take care,

Katherine

[ukmsmi4 in reply to Katherineanne]

Thank you Katherine. He is a good man. We've been married 29 years next month so he's definitely a keeper!!

You take care too.

Margaret.xx

[Ava78]

Thanks everyone for replying and the advice.

[maggi999]

How awful of them!

I suppose that you could print out information about Fibro and present it to them to read before they see you next time. You could write a short account of how it affects you personally and the effect on your husband and your kids (if you are lucky enough to have them).

It is hard to understand the kind of pain we fibromites suffer, you can only hope that they read what you prepare for them and that they open their hearts a little to you.

Have they always been a bit hostile to you? if so, then they may just be the type of 'toxic' people that you do not need in your life.

Healing and comforting hugs to you, xxx

[Oldbones]

Hi Ava I'm sorry that your in-laws have been so mean. I call my in-laws the outlaws so I know a little how you feel, sometimes people have no understanding on how hurtful they can be with comments. You have your husbands support and that's all that matters and try not to waste what little energy you have on people who don't deserve it. Best of luck

[Looby]

Hi there Ava......we all empathise!

If you are able to get into a Holland & Barrett health shop before the end of this month, there is an excellent article about Fibro that I persuaded my husband to read. It has a positive message too, in that we can do some things ourselves to make life more bearable , not only for ourselves, but those who care about us too.

It is a sad fact of life that some people do not have the ability to empathise with others....so that is their problem.....all you can do is accept that, and concentrate on how to make the best of the "good" days. Don't let it spoil the relationship you have with your "other Half" because you are going to need HIS understanding and help.....this condition is not temporary.......

Hugs

Lin xx

[Scouser58]

Hello Ava78,,,,People who have never experienced pain,,never understand it,,,and sadly your condition,,is a 'non visible condition',,,,they only know what they are told,,so if they cannot see it,,then it is not real,,,,to them anyway...

The magazine called Healthy from Holland & Barrett February 2016 issue,,,,has an article on Fibromyalgia,,,pages 78/79,,, it has a full details of many parts of the condition,,,and there are personal in sights to the condition,,,

There is even a small column about fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS).,,,from Dr. Christopher Jenner,,,consultant in pain medicine and clinical director of The Fibro Clinic in Harley Street,,,the fibroclinic.com).

For information and support, Fibromyalgia Action Uk fmauk.org: 0844 887 2444.

UK Fibromyalgia:ukfibromyalgia.com

Action On Pain: action-on-pain.co.uk 0845 603 1593

I hope this is helpful to you and in giving your in laws some insight to the condition,,,

ttfn from Karen.

[Ava78 in reply to Scouser58]

Thank you so much

[Scouser58]

A pleasure to help,,,Karen.