Bit of advice please

Hello everyone,

I don't know what to do..

I'm currently undiagnosed as far as fibro is concerned.. But my mind is going..

My doctor suggested that my symptoms all point to fibro but I really think I'm mad.

I'm currently signed off with depression because I'm not really coping, going in circles trying to figure out if I'm ill or mental.

Basically I'm in the process of referrals and appointments. Maxilio facial consultant last wk, psychiatric review later this wk, rheumatology the wk after and awaiting an appointment with the sleep clinic.

My boss, I think, is being quite fair.. But she's asked me to really think about the reality of me going back to my job (I only started this role in feb this year so I don't feel they have any obligation in keeping me)

My boss basically said I need to make a decision..

If I quit and leave by my own choice, CAB said this may affect any benefits I could be entitled to.. But I feel if I wait until my boss dismisses me for being unfit to work, then I'm being difficult for financial reasons and I'm not like that.

If I am the 'good' person and make the decision to leave... Will I be the one losing out with the consequences?

I've always worked, I've worked very hard since I was old enough to get a job, I even worked all through my various college courses...

Will I be penalised for taking steps to try and get better?

Everyone says take it one day at a time.. But I find that very hard with all the pressure of my responsibilities...

I don't currently receive any benefits or financial support (except childcare element of working tax credits)

My partner earns an average wage (below £25,000 per year) we live in sussex so have high rent, council tax etc.

I'm scared. I don't want to put financial pressure on my partner, he works so hard and we've always divided outgoings and managed well enough with our two wages...

We have two kids, we aren't ever able to save, we've never been on holiday, we manage to just get by...

I know I'm not a fraud in any way but I feel if I ask for financial support and chose to leave my job for health reasons.. I'll be punished in some way.

Can anyone put things into perspective for me, offer advice..

I'm losing the plot 😩😩😩😩😩

8 Replies

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  • You are not losing your mind, you sound like you have too much to cope with at present, I can only suggest you take the time off work as time to recover a little, as you are signed off sick your employer has no need or indeed the right to contact you if they do it is harassment. So take this time to relax as best you can. Lou xx

  • What a dilemma to be in. I clung on to the hope that I would be well enough to go back to a job I adored but in the end the charity I worked for understandably could wait no longer and sent me for an assessment by an Occupational Therapist who decided I would not be fit to work in the forseable future.

    If you do give up your job volantarily it could affect your benefit situation as they could look upon it that you have "made yourself unemployed" rather than "been made unemployed".

    Has the pain of fibro made you depressed or did the depression come first or was it a mixture of the two?. Hopefully these appointments you have in the coming weeks will end with you having some good guidance and perhaps some coping strategies and perhaps medication which will help.

    It is so difficult when your partners wage is low which it is for the part of the country you live in and as you say you have your two children to consider. Unfortunately, you will be no good to your partner or your children if your health completely breaks down so I think you need to take whatever sick leave you need to try and get your body and mind back on track. I know I struggled on as exactly a year before I became too ill to work my husband had a complete breakdown and had to leave his job he had done for 38 years and he had to take his Occupational pensions early as we were eating into our life savings. We went on a very tight budget but also realised that we no longer had the commuting costs, cost of smart work clothes and had also been wasting alot of money on things that we could do without. Only a small thing but I love books, new books with all the pages untouched but instead I now borrow from the library. I buy things when they are on offer and freeze them in smaller quantities, wear an extra cardie, have a hot water bottle and turn the heat down. All small things but with both of us doing that we found our meagre budget was stretching much further.

    Good health once lost can be difficult to retrieve. Be gentle with yourself and try not to beat yourself up as that will only make your depression worse. Don;t prempt things wait to see what the experts say and what their diagnosis is before making any decisions.

    Please let us know how you get on. Everyone here will be rooting for you.x

  • Hello Sibbs

    Do you mind if I ask whether you are currently on any antidepressants?

    Can I suggest that you have a look at one of today's earlier posts (I will post script you the title, I can't remember it off the top of my head). See if anything written there helps things fall into place for you. Just a thought.

    Do you think that it is your job that is causing your stress and anxiety? If so, could you look for a less demanding job.

    Or do you think that ill health is causing you to be stressed and anxious?

    I just wanted to give you some ideas for you to gently think through in your own time. Sometimes writing a brief diary of your day can not only be therapeutic by also more logical thoughts can come through from seeing things written down.

    I don't want to overwhelm you with anything more to think about. Do you set yourself any time just for you during the day? Something you would enjoy or find relaxing. Reading a book, ten minutes meditation, a nice warm bath, taking a walk. I know nowadays our lives are so full that we forget that we have needs too.

    I will get back to you with the title of the post I was talking about.

    Please let us know how you are. We are here for you.

    Gentle hugs

    Lu xx

    PS The post was titled Memory blocks

  • Hi Sibbs,

    I must say the first three responses have been excellent in their content and advice. I can only add that before I got my "proper" diagnosis, like you I really was thinking I was going mad. I thought that no one could have the amount of pain, the amount of migraines and tiredness that I had and yet apparently nothing wrong. When I eventually changed doctors and within the first consultation my wonderful GP had diagnosed fibro and also pointed out that infact I'd had it for well over 25 years as I'd been told I'd got "fibrositis" - that's what it was called back then - and so so many things fell completely into place.

    With regards to the situation about work, you come across as a totally open and truthful person, and I can understand what you say, but I don't see that you are being difficult. You are right that if you resign it will take a long time before you wil, be able to claim, last time I knew anything about it, it was six weeks before they would let you sign on, but that may well have increased by now. So my advice would be to go against the grain with the feeling you have about being difficult, and do just wait for your employer to instigate the end of your employment. I know how difficult it will be as I would feel very much the same as you've said, but there are times, and I think this is one, when you have to do something you wouldn't otherwise do. Many many people do far worse things in their employment and I honestly think you deserve to get a fair deal and not have to make yourself unemployed yourself.

    You have come to a great place for support and advice, and I hope that you will continue to post and let us know how you get on and know that each of us cares very much how others are treated.

    I'm sending lots of positive, healing and strengthening vibes your way 👍🏻😀

    Foggy x

  • I am so genuinely sorry to read this and I also think that you have been given some wonderful advice. The only thing that I could add is that you discuss your situation with your GP and ascertain the chances of them signing you off long term sick and applying for ESA and PIP? I have pasted you the gov.uk links to these benefits below:

    gov.uk/employment-support-a...

    gov.uk/pip/how-to-claim

    I want to genuinely and sincerely wish you all the best of luck.

    All my hopes and dreams for you

    Ken

  • You may have too wait until ur boss dismisses you other wise you find it hard get benefits. Trust me you are not going mad its call fibro fog i suffer bad with it and i have a 2 year old. I also worked all my life now i cant work which really suck, but there is not much i can do about it, hope this helps you okay sibbs.

  • Hi Sibbs

    What a horrid dilemma ;-(

    As with the advice everyone else has given - stop feeling guilty and thinking about others such as your boss - it will only add to your stress and make you feel worse.

    Think about yourself and your family - you have not asked for this so do not allow an employer to pressurise you - no matter how nice you think they are - they are thinking costs and budgets.

    You let them make all the decisions - they will have to justify anything they decide - and they will have to go through certain process that will include contacting your GP (with your permission)

    Good advice from The Author re speaking to your GP about long term sick and getting PIP etc in the interim.

    Take care of yourself and try to not be in denial - once you accept this fibro you will feel better about yourself and be able to learn your own coping strategies - but please do not put yourself under more pressure than you already are.

    Give your kids a hug and enjoy this time with them the best way you can xx

  • You are not crazy and I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I kinda lucked out if you want to call it that. I had the fifth and sixth surgery on my knees and have not been to work since November of 2014. I told my boss that I didn't think that I could go back to work and if I did it would only be for like four to eight hours a day, when I was made to work fourteen to sixteen, and that was standing all day, carrying fifty pound potatoes and so much more in my job being a chief. I was crying everyday and for lack of better words I was a bitch because I couldn't handle the pain and I was taking it out on everyone. So now I am seeing the doctor for my fibro and I am praying that before they send me back to a job I can't do anymore because my knee is not healing correctly, that they will take me out of work for my fibro. If not I will be out of a job and out of money. I can not work anymore and it took me forever to admit that to myself because I always worked very hard and I feel like I'm a loser because I can't handle a job anymore. My advice to you is to do what ever it takes to stop working before it takes your ability to enjoy life.. Do not feel bad because your body is not healthy, and when it comes to the money issue,.....when I figure it out I'll post it,....so far I'm scared of the future too.....

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