So angry with hubby ,since I was diagnosed with osteoporosis , fibromyalgia last year ,he has not once asked about it and how it effects me .Just does not won't to know. Just said that I am in so much pain today ,what does he say ? Think it is the weather as my foot is playing up . Would you believe it .all I have had for the last few weeks is about his ear and that it has started weeping again as he has a perforated ear drum .Just feel like screening .

13 Replies

  • Some family members do have difficulty with illness, is he aware how all this impacts on you, you should tell him how it makes you feel. Wishing you all the best. Lou xx

  • Aawww I know where you are coming from. Thank heavens for these forums where we all know how it really feels and affects every aspect of our daily lives. I wish there were more group meet ups in every area as I'm sure we'd all benefit from group discussions where other people actually understand. I know my family can't cope with it as I've always been the one to pick up the pieces and sort things out for them and now I get 'well there's nothing I can do is there' we aren't asking for close ones to miraculously cure us, just a bit of empathy aye! Hugs to you and be kind to yourself. Maybe write down how u are feeling and hand it to hubby. It's v difficult I know but u among friends here.

  • I think men bury their heads in the sand as they don't want to think there is something wrong, I know I try not to make a fuss but do find it hard not to keep saying ooh ow aah etc everytime I turn over in bed or get up from a chair, and I have left leaflets around this week so that he can read and try and understand the illness, I don't want to feel a burden to him and try and do most things that I have done but I do get very tired and have to learn to do a bit at a time, skirting boards and anything on the floor are a no no to me now so I have to ask him, needless to say it takes a while for him to get around to it so a lot of patience is needed!!!! good luck x

  • Hi pissingmeof, gentle hugs, I often have the same problem with my Hubby, although he is a really caring, sensitive person, sometimes he seems a little bit preoccupied with his own health problems and it can become like a competition between us as to who hurts the most! Sometimes I cry out a little when, say my knee hurts and gives way, for example, then he has to cry out in pain as well! it happens too often to be just coincidence, bless him! Perhaps you need to have a conversation with your hubby about how your health problems affect you to get him talking about it? Perhaps he just needs a gentle push to talk to you about it? Good luck, Julie xxx

  • Thank you all for your kind words . Hubby does not handle illness to good in others .Remember when the kids were younger and I was ill ,he said That I picked a fine time to be ill .I just said I would make a appointment next time .He has always been the same . He is a lovely man but can be very selfish at times . He is retired and I still work as a carer. Today I have done 4 hours of housework and just think that it would have been nice if when I said I was in a lot of pain he could of given me a gentle hug .Think maybe I am just asking to much.

    Thank you Julie, Shardab, Lou. Again .

    Pissingmeoff ( Hope ).

  • There you go :) your Hubby probably thinks it is much like his ear or foot and it will go away. As Lou says he may not understand just how badly it is effecting you.

    That's is the joy of this forum, you can let of steam here and hubby doesn't have to listen :) The other thing is that if he is anything like my hubby he can't make it better for you so thinks that ignoring it is actually helpful.

    By the way Hello, not sure if we have spoken before :)

  • Men will be men, alot of them unfortunately (but there are some lovely exceptions) don't "do" illness unless it is their own. Sometimes though with what I call the more "old fashioned" man they were brought up to be head of the family and their role was to fix things. If they can't fix it they then become disorientated and frightened and they really don't know how to cope. If they can't cope they then do the male thing of trying to ignore it or changing the subject. This of course makes you understandably want to scream the place down. You don't want sympathy you would just like some empathy and your pain to be acknowledged.

    My friend said her hubby was just like that if she said her knee was hurting,both his hurt, if it was her neck it was his back and neck she felt in the end it was like some giant pissing contest. She found in the end that if she was ill it was better to say nothing and I mean nothing and he would then start to wonder why she was so quiet. he would then ask her what was wrong and she would say she was in pain and he would actually then listen. She said it was a very roundabout way but it worked.

    It might be worth printing out the info. on fibromyalgia and handing it to him and telling him that that is what you have to put up with every day and it is not some illness that is magically going to go away with a dose of antibiotics like his ear infection.

    We are always here to listen to you. Soft, virtual hugs flying over to you.x.

  • Hi tiredalot , nice to meet you . Thank you for your reply and kind words .It is so nice to belong to this group,and all the kind people on here that understand what you are going through .it is a shame that it is because we are all in the same painful boat . I do know what you are saying is more likely to be the reason why he is like the way he is .

    Thank you sending gentle hugs.

  • Thank you rosewine . When I came back from the hospital and was given a booklet about fibromyalgia ,.I gave hubby it to read and after two weeks asked if he had a chance to read it ? No ,, Did leave it laying about but after two months gave up .. what gets me more than anything is that he has had a few health problems in the past and I away asked how he is .even now if he looks a bit under par I ask if he is alright . I suppose we are are all not the same thank god ...

    Thanks again rosewine I am feeling a lot better after all the kind words from all ..

  • I am so sorry to read that and I genuinely hope that he starts to listen you.

    All my hopes and dreams for you


  • I feel your pain, i have one just like that , its not nice and so frustrating, but keep your chin up and have a good moan to a good friend, thats what i tend to do.

    All the best


  • Hi,

    I think sometimes because we have a tendency to 'get on with it' or 'carry on regardless'. That can be viewed as 'oh it can't be so bad today' .

    Maybe if you get some information booklets or perhaps get some websites up for him to look at, it may give him a greater understanding of what it's like?

    Maybe of he were to visit your consultant with you and hear it from him/her, that might help too.

    It's always harder to understand what we can't see..... And chronic conditions are difficult to cope with (for us more than anyone) but it's almost like others become immune to it and I even get sick of hearing myself sometime Lol

    I hope you can find a way to get him to understand :-)

    Wishing you good luck


  • Hi, I'm so sorry you're suffering, and not being met with much sympathy for it.

    You said " just think that it would have been nice if when I said I was in a lot of pain he could of given me a gentle hug ".

    Have you actually specifically told him that a hug would help?

    I have to tell/ask my hubby for hugs when I'm feeling down. He offered me one off his own bat for the first time last week. So he's learning. We've been married 15 years, haha, it takes time. But unless you're specifically asking him, he may be simply unaware that that is what you are needing. If you ask him, he may be more than willing to provide this simple and intimate act of caring.

    I guess communication is key. I hope you can overcome this and get some good, strong, supportive hugs. Sometimes they really do make all the difference!

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