We often refer to Fibromyalgia in terms of the symptoms, the pain and the guilt. Guilt caused by our inability to be to others what we used to be before Fibro came into our lives. The pain of Fibro is not only physical but also emotional.
Every day I am filled with the wish to be my old self, to be the Mum that I used to be, to be the partner that I used to be, the sister, the friend, the daughter, the Aunt, the niece, the work colleague, the neighbour etc. In name and by definition I am still all of these but the actual 'role' that I fulfill within these areas of my life has changed beyond recognition. I yearn for and long to be the old me, to be my old healthy, fit self and to have the ability to fulfill these roles as I used to, the guilt and the longing is immense.
My thoughts tonight turned to how we as Fibro sufferers spend a lot of time feeling guilty about things we have no control over. My world is smaller, Ive lost friends and family because of Fibro, I beat my self up and shed tears.....but I think its time for this guilt and negative mind set to stop.
It is not my fault that friends/family etc cant or will not try to understand the impact that Fibro has had on my life, it's not my fault that they can not or will not adapt. They have a choice in how they react...as a Fibro sufferer my choices have been taken away, I have had to adapt, I cant pretend that I am not ill, I cant escape my body, I cant go out to work, I cant busy my days with their 'normality', my normality has changed.
The loss we suffer is immense. My world has shrunk beyond recognition.
Tonight is another sleepless night which will flow into a fatigue filled day, bringing with it the struggle to achieve the simplest of chores and tasks, there will be pain and the inevitable 'Fibro Fog', all beyond my control and all very much my 'normality'.
Having Fibro (or should I say 'Fibro having me) robs me of the simplest of pleasures. Tonight as I was standing at the back door stressing about not being able to sleep I happened to look up into the sky, it was beautiful and filled me with awe and happiness, I noticed how clean and fresh the air smelt, heard the rustling of the night breeze through the trees, it was peaceful and beautiful. I was filled with a sense of immense pleasure and peace quickly followed by a more in-depth understanding of the loss brought about by Fibro, I realised that Fibro shrinks our world making it difficult to see and feel the pleasure that can be found in the simplest of things, it led me to thoughts of how I waste energy stressing and feeling guilty about things I have no control over and how I waste precious time and energy feeling guilty about and trying to be to others what I can no longer be.
Fibro robs us of so much, why waste precious time and energy trying to be to others what we can not be. I am going to stop feeling guilty, the pain of Fibro and the loss suffered is more than enough without adding to it. Those who truly understand are still by my side, others have walked way, I love them all equally. Im shedding the guilt and seeking out the simple pleasures that have been lost as a result of wasted time and energy.
Off to bed now, its light and the birds are singing!
Love and gentle hugs to all,