After an amazing Christmas day with my miracle of a son, who is now 3 and growing up too fast, I feel guilty for finding that once again, I can't sleep and have had to get up because I can't stop thinking and I'm upset. I think about wanting to be pregnant again every single day and this week, we've had 3 close friends all announcing 2nd and 3rd babies arriving next year - and the green-eyed monster appeared....
To anyone who doesn't have a child yet and is trying, you'd think me crazy for being upset about anything or losing sleep - and I know because I felt exactly that just 4 years ago when I believed wholeheartedly that I'd never be a Mum. I was told by a Geneticist over 10 years ago that I may never have children and would have to try sooner rather than later because I carry a chromosomal disorder that could affect any embryo I may make.
So I got back with my ex after 6 years together and 6 months apart, we were married within a year and off the pill on our honeymoon! - I was pregnant the next month and that was the 1st of 3 babies I lost in the 1st year of our marriage, which unsuprisingly ended soon afterwards.
Those months afterwards, I mourned the feeling that I'd never be a Mum but counted my lucky stars when I met my soulmate just 2 years later, we were married within 2 years of meeting and trying for a baby straight away - we lost our 1st pregnancy together and my 4th pregnancy in 7 years but within 2 months of that, we made my little boy.
After all the years of ups and downs and the roller coaster ride that is trying to make a family, I never thought I'd be the one sat here now crying that I can't make another little person - my son is a precious gift who I'm grateful for every day - but the bug of parenthood caught us from the second we met him and we were trying again by the time he was 6 months old - and I thought that luck would come to us again - its now been nearly 3 years of trying for his brother or sister.
Well-meaning friends and family tell me to 'stop trying and it will happen' - 'to just be grateful for what we've got 'and to 'stop the hurt now and be happy in our family of 3' - I'm never sure which comments hurt or frustrate me the most because as I said, I thank my lucky stars all the time - but having him and knowing how it feels to have made him and held him in my arms just makes me want it again even more than ever before - I want him to have a sibling to share his life with (I'm an only child) first and foremost - and I want to make that for him, to be pregnant, give birth and bring up another baby. Every day I look around at families with 2 children and I just know in my heart that my family is not finished, its not complete.
Blimey, I wish I felt differently - I wish I could stop now because it would be easier, emotionally, mentally and physically. We've just had our 1st failed attempt at assisted conception, ICSI with PGD - and all of the embryos we made were chromosomally unsound with lots of problems - so it now appears that on top of my chromosomal problem, that I may have premature ageing of my eggs, another battle to overcome.
But none of us can help how we feel - its so hard feeling so helpless and sad at times - and in the next breath, then feeling guilty for those couples that haven't had their 1st baby yet - and I do feel, I feel for people every day - but it will never change what my heart wants more than anything in the world.
Its very rare to ever find anyone talking about secondary infertility or being open about it so I hope there is at least someone reading this who knows some of how it feels and how isolating it can be.
Lets hope for all of us that 2012 can make lots of wishes come true,