Important Questions.

[Mindful-Muma-to-be]

Are you willing to love your future child unconditionally?

Imagine your future, your child has made a mistake. They have not lived up to your expectations. You are disappointed, upset and angry. How do you react? Do you shout? Do you tell them just how awful they have been? Do you sit them down and list every bad thing about them? Do you keep running over their mistake, time and time again, days, weeks, even months after the event?

Or would you view this mistake as part of their education? Do you explain calmly why you are upset and then how they could act differently in the future? Do you encourage them to take risks and to know that mistakes are a part of life, the way that we all learn?

Now ask yourself the original question again, but with a slight twist.

Are you willing to love yourself unconditionally? The first time I asked myself this question I responded with a blank. I had never even considered that this could be a question, could be a choice. The voice in my head that keeps me motivated, keeps me pushing forward and moving onwards and upwards has slowly over the years become my worst critic. “I should have tried harder. I wasn’t focused enough. I am so disappointed in myself.”

When faced with infertility and month after month of failing to succeed at the thing I want most in the world, that voice in my head has became harsher, more critical and just plain nasty. “What is wrong with me? Why is my body failing me? I’m too stressed. This is my fault. What if I never get to be a mother?”

Trying to conceive, and viewing each month you get a negative result as a failure, chips away at your self-confidence. However, developing self-compassion allows you to be kind to yourself when you need it the most, and eliminating negative self-talk allows you to handle stress in a more constructive way.

The first step is simply to become aware of how you speak to yourself. For most of us, we are so used to talking to ourselves in a negative way that just becoming aware that this is not helpful is a massive leap forward. Whenever you notice yourself using negative self-talk evaluate if there is productive outcome to be taken, if you are telling yourself off for smoking for example, when you know this has an adverse affect on fertility, then replace with a kinder more supportive statement.

Negative self-talk

I must stop smoking/ drinking/ working till midnight.

Replace with;

I now choose to put my health and that of my future child first. I can do this. I choose to do this.

Failed again!

Replace with;

This was just one cycle. I can be kind to myself. How can I best take care of myself at this time?

I am too stressed to get pregnant.

Replace with ;

Statistics show that although extreme stress may delay ovulation, there is little evidence to show that stress reduces fertility. Look at all the women who conceive during wars! What can I do today to help myself unwind and relax?

Why is my body failing me?

Replace with;

My body is designed to create new life. How can I best support my body?

I will never have a baby.

Replace with;

I am willing to do whatever it takes to become a mother.

Learning to be more compassionate with yourself and less judgemental of situations in your life will allow you to do the same for others, which in turn will allow you to be a better parent. You can learn to change that voice in your head that berates you and finds the negative in every situation, to a voice of compassion and, with practice, be your very own cheerleader!

Love Mindful Muma-to-be xxx

For more information on self compassion, including free self compassion meditations and strategies for coping with infertility visit mindfulmumatobe.blogspot.co... or email me at [e-mail] to join our online community.

Mindful Muma-to-be is not a business it's just me trying to help others and help myself through this difficult time.

[PokedandProdded]

Ooooh, you're good...

Got me nailed. I'm my own worst critic, and often despair that my body won't do as it's told! Maybe I should stop being a vicious dictator and give it some encouragement instead.

Does crisps count as encouragement?

Seriously though, thanks, some genuinely helpful advice.

L

X

[Mindful-Muma-to-be in reply to PokedandProdded]

Crisps or mini eggs are definitely encouragement yes!

[Mindful-Muma-to-be]

Thank you L. I'm glad that you liked the post, I really wish I'd started being nice to myself years ago! Naomi

[pollypopps]

thank you for this post Naomi. Spot on, just what I need to be telling myself.

Particularly like this alternative. 'I am willing to do whatever it takes to become a mother'.

As I'm going to be nice to myself from now on, it s Scampi and Chips chip shop style tonight I think!! x

[Noper]

Hi,

I think that a lot of what you say is very helpful. However, I do wonder about the phrase 'I'm willing to do whatever it takes to become a mother'. I guess we're all in different places in our lives, different ages, relationship circumstances etc. But one fear I have is of allowing myself to become so consumed with trying to have a baby that I lose more years of my life. It already feels as if the last few years of my life have been on hold, having operations in preparation for IVF, then actually doing IVF. I also enjoy my job, have a lovely husband, and do make time for treats and non-fertility stuff - but still this thing is very consuming. Yes, I know there are other possibilities if giving birth isn't in the end an option for us (eg adoption) but these are also pretty complex roads to travel, and dependent on the views of our partners, and other factors (including our ages). My initial research on adoption possibilities has indicated that, if we decided to go ahead with it and were considered to be suitable, we would face a long wait, and then be considered for children above the age of about 3, most of whom would have gone through v traumatic early childhoods. I'm not saying this is impossible to contemplate - it could still be amazing - but it's a big deal to think about and take on.

So, sincerely, thanks for your positive thoughts and common sense. But I also feel there's a place for other (less optimistic) thoughts and rants on this blog too. After all, this is what I am feeling, and it's painful. I am living with uncertainty, fear and doubt, and there's no getting away from that.