My first post on a forum... feeling low after 5 failed attempts this year. Just wanting to connect...

[Rainbowconnection]

Hello I just wanted to reach out to people who might understand what I'm feeling because the people in my life (nice as they are) just don't understand how hard this journey is. And I'm feeling increasingly lonely and losing hope. I feel I've had to be strong for so long and really thought I'd be pregnant by now but it just keeps not working. After 5 failed attempts this year I've stopped talking to people about it now.But we did an embryo transfer on 10th Dec and I really felt pregnant but got a negative test on 21st then was bleeding all over Christmas. Whuch was the same time my brother and his girlfriend announced they were pregnant and although it was unplanned, they are happy and going to keep it. They were only a couple of weeks along so our babies would have been the same age.

Obviously I am happy to become an auntie and am so happy for them but another part of me knows as her tummy grows and they make all their baby plans I am going to struggle. Especially as they were the same age. And we have been trying so hard.

I am 40 (partner 50). We did 4 IUI's with doner sperm during 2024 then did egg collection for ivf early December. They collected 4 eggs which was a bit disappointing but 2 of them fertilised. We used one embryo and have one in the freezer.

So I know we are very lucky that we have another embryo but right now I feel like I have nothing left. My body is totally hammered and I'm emotionally drained. Doing all the meds on a long cycle was gruelling. I seemed to get all the symptoms possible! Plus the turmoil of the pesseries giving you pregnancy symptoms is too much.

I am someone who really values a connection to my body and all the meds just made that impossible.

The clinic have asked me when I'm starting again but I just can't. The idea of sticking one more injection in me is just too much. So I told them I'm taking a break. We also moved house in September and have been decorating so it has been a lot! I think our relationship could really benefit from a break from trying to get pregnant too. We need to reconnect to one another with fun and love and laughter. We still do have this but it has got buried under all the scans and appointments and hormones and hopes and disappointments.

You all know how it is.

That is why I'm here I guess. Just reaching out to people who actually get it.

In my heart I am generally a very positive person with lots of love and care to give the world but I have felt myself dimming and I just need support for me. But the people around me just can't because they just don't get it. They don't know all that is involved each time. So much different to just trying naturally.

Anyway, I'm sorry this post got very very long! If you're still here then thank you! I'm wishing everyone a very happy and healthy new year and sending a very positive intention for each of us to live and breath into our most fertile energies as we move forwards together.

With love and light to us all

[Kitkat10]

Hi, I can 100% relate to your post. I was 39 when I started due to MFI and I felt like I took an absolute hammering emotionally. But, these feelings are temporary, it’s a tough time to navigate but life can return to normal afterwards and I felt that I got myself back once this chapter was done.

You are right that few people understand what is involved but I found it easier just to try and walk my own path and minimise distractions while I went through it. I didn’t share with anyone other than my parents and best friend because of the fear of unintentionally insensitive comments.

You’re doing really well, try and keep going when you feel it’s time again. I only got 3 eggs and 1 embryo to give me my son after several failed rounds so it’s great that you have an embryo in the freezer too. Try and look forwards and focus on yourself, don’t be afraid to protect your heart and if you feel you need to limit exposure to baby plans then that’s also totally fine.

You’ll get your sparkle back, these feels are awful but they are temporary, one way or another you’ll get there, best of luck going forwards xx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi. So sorry you have suffered so many failures. I have been wondering about our immune system recognising embryos as foreign bodies. People with coeliac disease omot wheat and oats from their diet to boost immune system. This has been tried with repeated very early miscarriages and it seemed to help many o them even although not trying for a baby. I’m wondering ig a similar diet would help to accept our embryos, just one o my thoughts. I wish you well, but do ask. Diane

[Londongirl84]

Hi Rainbow connection, I understand where you are coming from and I’m sad to read you are also struggling like me. I’ve been in a dark head space the last few weeks. Unfortunately we suffered a miscarriage just before Christmas and I’ve had 4 separate close friends announce to me they are pregnant. All babies due the same time as I would have been. Whilst I am happy for them all and wouldn’t wish this upon anyone, I’m still grieving for my loss. Keep telling myself I would have been 3 months this week and telling everyone but that’s not really helping me. I’m lucky enough to have a son via IVF who is almost 3 but we have been trying for over a year. Hopefully about to start my 5th ICSI round next week. I had the same emotions as you. Dreading the needles, eating healthy and the way the medication makes you feel but I’m pushing through as I’m also 40 and still trying to use my own eggs. Out of 6 embroyo's PGT tested only 1 came back good and as I mentioned that didn’t work out.

I agree if you are not ready you should take some time off and if possible get some sun. I think emotions are heightened as we’ve just had Christmas and when you feel like it’s your turn and it’s not; it’s heartbreaking. Just remember you are doing your best and nothing you did would have changed what the outcome was. In time you will feel better and hopefully ready to put your embryo back in.

I would also repeat blood tests as I’ve just done this and my Thyroid has come back high (this has changed since my last test) so now I’m on pills. If you ever do go for another IVF round and have been on the same protocol, question it. My first two rounds were awful and I insisted I went back to gonal f which I had with my son. I’ve stated to get slightly better results and collected more eggs. Feel free to message me privately if you want to chat or just want someone to listen! Wish you all the best! Xx

[MinnSam]

Sending you lots of love and support. Know that you are not alone. There are scores of women going through the same difficult journey as you. Don’t lose hope. It only needs to work once. Take that break if you need to. In my opinion, more than any medical intervention, the parents being stress free and relaxed is more vital. I know it will happen for you sometime soon. It’s just a matter of time.

[Letis]

Just reaching to say I totally understand and wish you all the best luck. It's such a hard journey. I've taken a few months off after having an intense IVF journey last year and it's been a good break. But seeing pregnant people all around is heartbreaking but we have to keep positive. If it's meant to be it'll happen. So take a break, listen to your body and mind and jump back on this IVF road when and if you want to! Sending lots of love

[Cep92]

You are so right nobody really understands unless they have been through it. I had my 3rd failed cycle in September. Due to start my 4th this month . The few months break was exactly what I needed to feel me again. It can be so hard to live with everything else going on. My best friend is pregnant we would have been due days apart, she's 27 weeks now. I've found her pregnancy so hard! I'm hoping it gets easier.Just wanted to say you are not alone really. X

[Sharbertn]

Hi Rainbowconnection I am in a very similar boat to you, it's a horrible feeling and is so much harder over Christmas and the New Year.Take some time for yourself and for both of you as a couple and then if you feel like you can go again you'll know when. For now you need to give yourself a bit of grace.

It feels so good sometimes just getting it all out but and if you ever need to talk please message me! 💚