My sister told me she was pregnant whilst i’m currently miscarrying

[Musiclover7777777]

I have had a rough year with ivf, my first transfer failed and my last 2 have both ended in chemicals/ early losses. I am currently bleeding from my early loss and feeling as you can imagine, hurt, upset and drained and just mentally and physically broken and haven’t processed the fact this transfer has ended up in another early loss.

I was speaking to my sister about this and telling her how I’m bleeding heavy and the cramps are awful and I just feel rough with it all she then decides to call me mid convo to tell me she’s pregnant and her 12 weeks is Xmas ( mine should have been then as well) I couldn’t help but cry on the phone and tell her that the news is hard for me to hear just now and her reply was “ I know but it’s also a really happy time for us” I don’t feel she took my feelings into consideration and felt she could have waited a little longer before telling me and not when I’m physically going through the loss.

it’s really hurt me and I feel awful for feeling this way but I suppose I’m just looking to see if my feelings are valid and if I’m right in saying she could have at least waited a while before telling esp when she’s not planning on telling friends and family till Xmas… don’t see why she had to tell me now. I wouldn’t say we are exactly close either and we’ve got quite a rocky relationship I would say so just feels like another blow / knock down from her

[TopGuntastic]

I’m so sorry for your loss. It really is tough and your feelings are so very valid 🩷

I would also be hurt if it was my sister. The timing couldn’t be worse. I agree that she should have waited to tell you, that just now is just too painful.

Your emotions will be heightened just now so please be kind to yourself. I’m sending you a hug 🫂 xx

[Musiclover7777777 in reply to TopGuntastic]

Thank you so much❤️, she told me that no timing would be good but I said to her that she picked the the worst timing possible. I’m currently at my lowest and haven’t even stopped bleeding yet. Was definitely not the right time to phone and tell me that news as she knew that would only hurt and it took me by surprise xx

[Endofitall in reply to Musiclover7777777]

Oh hun, that is so unfair and cruel of your sister. I find it hard to believe sometimes how people can be.

Your feelings are entirely valid.

You might want to share some of the chapters/podcast episodes from The Worst Girl Gang Ever with her if you think that may help her understand. If you’ve not read/listened yourself I found it really helpful and validating.

Focus on you and your healing right now. Not everyone is emotionally intelligent sadly.

Sending you so much love and strength as you cope with all this

[Musiclover7777777 in reply to Endofitall]

I just don’t understand how she thought now was the best time and I don’t know how to forget that. I haven’t listened to them but have heard so much about it so might go give it a listen!!

Thank you so so much for your kind words, life just feels pretty shit right now and just allowing myself to feel all the feelings before I dust myself and keep going and never give up❤️, hopefully one day I’ll have my miracle baby xxx

[TopGuntastic in reply to Musiclover7777777]

She was likely nervous about your different circumstances BUT it doesn’t excuse her telling you at that particular time 🫂

[Ctk123]

I’m so sorry for your losses. There will never have been a great time for her to tell you but doing so right now was extremely insensitive and hurtful. Sadly I’ve found that people who haven’t been through IVF and pregnancy loss will never truly understand how you feel but that doesn’t excuse their behaviour nor make your feelings invalid. As someone who has been through a similar experience please be kind to yourself, prioritise yourself and your feelings and do whatever you need to for yourself. I really hope you have people around you who are supportive, and this forum is a really great place to express yourself to people who get it. I promise it will get better x

[Musiclover7777777]

yeah you feel very alone in this journey as you feel if no one has been through it they just don’t understand how hard it is. Your just throw into this whole infertility world and just try your best to navigate your way through it. I’ve got a really great supportive partner along with some amazing friends too so I am lucky but you still feel lonely don’t you. But finding a forum like this really does help. Thank you so much x

[Millbanks]

Wow - that is the most inconsiderate thing I've heard in a while. I would be absolutely livid and very hurt by her timing here. I would also be tempted to tell her that.

You're feelings are so so valid. I'm so sorry. Miscarriages I think are really misunderstood until you've been through one. But you can still be empathetic and supportive. Telling your sister you are pregnant while she is going through one is unreal.

I hope you're doing ok xx

[Musiclover7777777 in reply to Millbanks]

Yeah I don’t understand why she felt the need to tell me when she did, she told me that no timing would have been good but yet decided to pick the time where I’m at my lowest, just doesn’t make sense. I am really angry and hurt she did that and don’t know how I’m meant to forget and move past it!

Thank you so much, each day the passes is slowly getting better but just can’t believe it’s ended up in another loss xx

[Millbanks in reply to Musiclover7777777]

I'm so sorry - I really am. It's just devastating and so unfair.

I would probably distance myself from her for a bit if it's possible. Give yourself some space to deal with it xx

[Musiclover7777777 in reply to Millbanks]

Yeah I’m defo gonna take some time away until I feel better mentally to have a conversation with her but I don’t think she will be very understanding when I do try to have the conversation with her so sometimes I’m like what’s the point xxx

[nat55zt]

Wow! Some people are just garbage. There is no excuse for doing that. She sounds like a psychopath who enjoys rubbing salt into other peoples open wounds. I hope your Christmas plans don't include her. If it was my sister I would go no contact.

[Musiclover7777777 in reply to nat55zt]

Yeah just don’t see her reason behind doing it, and she’s not even messaged to apologise or check in! No no I’ve decided I’m staying away at Xmas and having a chilled one alone with my partner as it’s defo what we need after a really shit year xx

[Elmo13]

Hi Musiclover, please don’t feel bad for how you feel. Your feelings are totally valid.

It was incredibly insensitive and I can totally understand why you feel hurt. After several years on this journey I tend to find that unless this is something you’ve been through then people just don’t get it. It’s one of those things where if you know, you know unfortunately.

I understand how dark a time this is and I’m so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself and try and focus your energy on you. Wishing you lots of strength. Xx

[Musiclover7777777 in reply to Elmo13]

Thank you so much for your message, it’s just an awful time and can’t wait for this year to be over already!! Gonna spend these last few months looking out for myself and get myself back in a good headspace before we continue this journey. I just have to keep hoping and praying that the ivf will work for us and surround myself with those who are supportive and positive xxx

[Christianbaby]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. What you're feeling is absolutely valid. I've found that sometimes people just don’t know how to approach these kinds of situations, even though their intentions might not be to hurt you. It doesn’t make the pain any less real, though. It’s tough when you're already feeling physically and emotionally drained, and someone else’s joy feels like a reminder of what you're missing. Sending you strength. xx

[Musiclover7777777 in reply to Christianbaby]

Thank you so much for your message❤️, it’s a hard one isn’t it!! I know in time it will be okay, just have to hope the new year will bring me better news xx

[Kitkat10]

I’m so sorry, that’s a really rough thing to happen. Your feelings are 100% valid 💔 my sister did a similar thing to me and I was devastated. I felt that it was so insensitive and I knew that I would never have done the same to her. But.. I hope I can lift your spirits because when I thought everything and everyone were against me and she dealt me that harshness, my next transfer worked and I no longer even thought about that conversation.

I found it helpful to try and block out what other people were doing and I focused my mind on myself and my next step. I also had a negative test on Christmas Eve and I absolutely remember how horrible this journey can be so I feel for you at this time. Keep going, you are doing really well to navigate such a tough time, your time will come 🍀 be kind to yourself and focus on just you xx

[Musiclover7777777 in reply to Kitkat10]

You just wonder what was going through their heads to tell you during a time your at your lowest when they had plenty of other people to tell and had a few months before they had to tell you!! So sorry that happened to you as well but I’m so happy your next transfer after that worked❤️.

Yeah I’m going to focus of myself at the moment and just keep as postive as I can and hope n pray my miracle baby is sent to me. Thank you so much for your message xxx

[Hidden]

I’m sorry to hear what you have gone through, and wish you all the success for future rounds/transfers.

Good on you for being open enough with your sister to say the news hurt you. Her response to that was insensitive as well, and honestly it sounds like you may have some more of that to come - I.e when she’s had her scan and pregnancy updates going forward. Protect and distance yourself from her if I were you, and if she questions it then you can be honest as to why xx

[Musiclover7777777 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it❤️❤️

Yeah I’m defo gonna take some time away from her and when she questions why then I can explain how much she’s hurt me with her timings and responses during a time I was hurting but as for now defo going to focus on myself xxx

[Skittles11]

I can see you've already had good support from the ladies on here. I cannot believe your sister would choose such a horrific time for you to share her news. There are no words but I think you are in good company in that most people would have reacted in a similar way to you. It is rather dismissive of your sister as well to continue with her narrative after you confided how upset you were. This is a vulnerable time for you and you shared that with her and to me it sounds like she actively took no notice. Not on at all. I agree with others that she may continue along these lines as she goes for scans etc and you need to put yourself first in this scenario x x