A while back I wrote what I thought was my last post here after I decided to stop IVF (link below). It seemed to chime with a lot of people and I felt glad I'd put it out into the world. Since then its got me thinking that there are so few places to seek comfort or obvious routes to discuss and navigate a post IVF world. Obviously everyone's onward journey is different but where do we begin, what could make things easier, how do we begin to imagine and conjure a way forward, how do we process what's happened to us in order to do that?
These are all questions I've been asking myself and I definitely don't have all or even some of the answers. But, I imagine there is a lot of wisdom, experience and stories to be told amongst this community and I wonder whether its about time (for those of us who wish to) we shared them with one another and developed a community. I would have found this such great comfort earlier this year when I stopped IVF and still would now!
With that in mind I'm exploring the idea of creating a website and having contributors share their stories in order to support one another and surface life after IVF. If you would be interested in contributing your IVF story or writing a piece about life after IVF please do DM me and we can discuss next steps. I hope to hear from some of you and wishing you luck on your onward journeys.
You are such a beautiful soul Bookbroad ❤️ I hope you are on your path to healing and enjoying having your life back after IVF. You have so much strength and also show such compassion and thoughtfulness to think about doing something like this. I don't know if you've come across gateway women, the community created by Jody Day? I looked at it after reading her wonderful book. Not sure how much of it is free but might be a good model to look for inspiration. Sending lots of love your way xxxgateway-women.com/
Hey Bookbroad - first time poster but long time mother in waiting and IVF’er. My partner and I recently undertook our last IVF transfer after 5 gruelling years of IVF. We didn’t have the outcome that we so desperately wanted and like so many times before, I took to this website to search for some light at our darkest time. It was your previous post that reassured me that it was ok for us to stop and that I wasn’t alone even though at that time I felt like the only person in the world that couldn’t get and stay pregnant.
My last IVF round was our most difficult: financially, emotionally and physically. To not get the outcome we wanted, meant that we weren’t only grieving that loss, but, every single one we had had before that, plus every cancelled transfer because my womb lining wasn’t thick enough or because my body hadn’t responded to the drugs, or because I’d ovulated, or because our embryos hadn’t made it…. I just couldn’t understand why IVF was so difficult for us and why we had to fight so hard to get the answers and the support we needed. The past two years, I read research report after report so I could better advocate for myself and ask the right questions.
You’re right IVF does consume you. Like you our life had been on hold.
We always said we had to draw a line under it - time was running away and we aren’t young. Seeing your message on here let me know I wasn’t alone and that it was ok to move on.
Even though I am still grieving, even though I am angry some days, bitter that it comes so easily to some, or find myself crying at an advert on TV that features the most beautiful baby. But you do learn to live with your grief. My heart is still broken knowing that I will never carry a child, it’s early days, but what I do know is that I want to be a mother. Perhaps I just have a different path? After all, there are lots of children and babies that need loving homes and parents. Parenthood isn’t defined by biology.
I think your idea is a beautiful one - all too often even when we have the support of partners, loved ones and friends, it can feel really isolating and lonely because you’ve spent all this time focussed on getting and staying pregnant. Suddenly that option isn’t there any more and you wonder what your sense of purpose is. There is no shame in having a life after IVF, whatever life that may be. I think people just need to know that they aren’t alone. Whether that comes from a website, podcasts or social media I think it would be very much welcomed. Happy to discuss further & share our journey xxx
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