Failed IVF and the end of the journey

[Mohai]

I have been on this fertility journey for 5 years siffering from endometriosis stage 4 and severe adenomyosis. I had my last attempt 2 weeks ago when we transfered the only embryo that survived from my 4th IVF cycle. Yesterday the pregancy test came back negative and I feel completely empty and heartbroken. I have exhausted all my options as physically my health has deteriorated a lot from all the cycles having lost confidence when life is all about habdling the pain caused by my chronic illness. Financially I cannot afford taking more loans after all the investment in private clinics and all the extra support from a nutritionist and naturopath to learn how to handle my pain. I have had 3 x surgeries to be at my best condition with all the adhesions and swollen fallopian tubes.I guess I feel completely lost now and dont know where to go. All the stories I read around end in success but this is not my case and I was wondering what happens with those women that dont succed with their fertility journey. In this last attempt I was completely positive that things would work for me I kept reading stories about the success of the last embryo and that you only need an embryo.

So, where do you go from here and what happens when you have to accept you will never be a mum.

Sorry for my long story but I am looking for some comfort as I really dont know what happens next and where to go in life.

Thanks for reading

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. There is a really good book called 'Living a Life Unexpected' which is about being childless but not by choice, and the author also has a forum called Gateway Women which is US based but is a supportive community. I also highly recommend counselling as there is a lot of grief to work through x

[Mohai in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for takimg the time in responding. This is the guidance I was looking for, THANK YOU

[AuroraXen]

I'm so sorry Lovely. The horrible reality is, there are many, many women and couples for whom IVF simply doesn't work. And sadly, it's often not spoken about. I think we go into it viewing ART as a panacea, naturally enough, and it sadly so often doesn't end up that way... sometimes it ends up a black hole sucking our hopes and dreams and money! I think you are very brave and sensible to know when it is time to draw a line. It's so tempting to keep getting more and more treatment, but at some point, I think everyone finds enough is enough. Some people deal with IVF cycle failure by looking for other options for motherhood, like Donor eggs or embryos, or adoption, but those aren't for everyone (and indeed aren't possible for everyone).

I've heard great things about the book Daisy lists below, so I would personally start with that and try to join some of those kinds of dedicated communities, to help you start to heal a bit. There's nothing like the reassurance of people who have followed a different path, willingly or not, to inspire you and help us to see that as bleak as things feel now, there is a way forward. It's easy to say this, but life is still so precious and worth living as a childless person. It takes a lot of courage to go through fertility treatment, and I am certain you will have many, many gifts you will continue to share with the world and with those around you. Sending lots of love xx

[Mohai in reply to AuroraXen]

Thank you for your kind words and advise. Your words really comforts me and I am really thankful to this community for all the help giving so much with such respect. THANK YOU X

[minnesota_girl]

I am so sorry for your losses - and echo what Daisy has said (I've read that book also through my journey).

One point I will make, and I felt this after my 4th miscarriage last April when I was also left with no embryos left and deciding what to do next...the best thing you can do is give yourself space to just exist for a little while - in whatever way that means. I couldn't see clearly for months - and it was a game changer to just accept that this was where I was for the moment, and not to put pressure on myself to make any decisions about the future, in any direction. I told my family and friends this also, so they understood I wouldn't be talking about next steps or processing with them unless I was ready. I existed, worked on feeling good in myself (for me this was healthy nutrition, exercise, redoing my garden, and resting/putting myself first, but for you it may be different) - and hoping that clarity will come in time. For me, after about 5 months I started feeling more like myself, and I found the decisions just came to me. And i also felt that I, for the first time, would be OK whichever way this turns out.

It's a grieving process - and the community is also an important part of that. I stepped away from the community during that time as it made sense for me, but again just give yourself so much grace. xx

[Mohai in reply to minnesota_girl]

Thank y ou so much for sharing your experience and your kind words. Really wise advise and will wait for the universe to guide me. THANK YOU

[Balulah]

it’s tough isn’t.. I’m on a similar boat to you.. feeling like the end is nigh.. latest blow was news from an ivf clinic declining to treat me, even when I’m already in the queue for another surgery to improve the condition resulting from stage 4 endometriosis. My brain tells me that putting an end would be a sensible thing to do- betting so much on something that has 5% chance of success just doesn’t compute. But my heart just can’t let go.. yet.. maybe hearing another medical diagnose/opinion/result will eventually crush the heart completely. I know there’s decent life to be had despite being childless but at the moment it looks bleak

[Sweethear]

I am so sorry I feel your pain