A little ache 💔

[XOXO13]

There’s no real purpose in this post except for it being a safe space for me to offload my thoughts.

I think I am struggling with my latest loss which was three weeks ago. I’m very good at wearing a smile and appearing fine, and I have to be also for my twins. I am also unwell so I know that isn’t helping my mood but gosh, I am feeling really flat, emotional, defeated and negative. I was at the doctors this morning and I just couldn’t hold my tears back. I felt so embarrassed because I wasn’t even there to talk about how I’m feeling (emotionally).

I felt really embarrassed that I couldn’t hold my tears back and I’m not usually a negative person so just feeling this is really impacting me.

The tears were also triggered by a very close friend sharing her news with me this morning that she’s expecting her second baby, due just a couple of weeks before my baby should have been born had all gone well and whilst I am very happy for her, her news flawed me. It’s like I had a Deja Vu moment too, I’ve been here many times before with friends. I’d never wish what I’ve been through on anyone, but I also can’t help feel that it’s all so unfair. I’m that one friend who seems to have the repeated miscarriages and struggle to conceive and I know that’s just the way that it is but it still hurts and it really makes me feel so much less about myself.

I always remind myself we are each in our own lane but my own words of wisdom are failing me today and I feel utterly rubbish, deflated, heartbroken, sad, drained and just a little defeated.

I know so many of us are in the same place and I know I’m one of the lucky ones who was able to bring home my twins after multiple rounds of IVF, but my latest two losses seem to be repeating history and I think it’s digging up some past fears and trauma.

I don’t mean to moan, I just don’t know where to turn to. Because I’ve got living children, I get a lot of the “at least you have your twins” which just makes my feelings feel invalidated and then it silences me amongst those I feel I want to turn to 😢 xx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi. Oh dear, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down just now. Yes, of course you are happy you have a family, but like lots of others you would like to add to yours.. comments come and go, so perhaps for now try and ignor them and keep walking. Perhaps your hormones are playing a big part in yoy being unsettled. You need to look after you, then as you feel stronger you may try again. You won’t be the first one to break down in a GP surgery, so no worries there. I can only wish you well, and I will be thinking of you. Diane

[XOXO13 in reply to DianeArnold]

Thank you. I’m starting to feel physically better which has lifted my overall mood. I definitely think my hormones don’t help! Xx

[Millbanks]

Aw love, you have been through so much - it's completely understandable that you'd be feeling like this.

Give yourself some time - there is so much trauma there.

Those sort of comments about "already having a child" are so hurtful aren't they. Like because you already have one you don't deserve to feel sad about not having another. It really grates me. I do feel very grateful to have my little boy, but that in no way takes away the sadness of failed transfers or a miscarriage (s).

Can you take a bit of "you" time? Maybe a spa treatment or something? I know it's very superficial but sometimes a little treat can really help to soothe.

Sending a massive hug xxx

[FlowerGem115]

I always say to my husband if I am crying (when talking to someone) then I will be happier after as I am getting something off my chest. So i dont really see it as being negative, but actually a positive for expressing. I am someone who wouldn't want to share emotion to just anyone though as I would find it embarrassing too but it is better when I do and let my guard down. For me that is any medical professional, husband, counsellor.

Do you get any counselling with your fertility clinic, might be useful to have a session to let off steam and as that is the point of it hopefully you will feel better about doing so

But as you say this is a safe space to offload thoughts and I hope you feel better having done so, I know I have done when I post.

Grieving for your loss and what could have been is totally valid, yes of course you have the twins and that is amazing I am sure! But the loss now is still a loss with grief attached that cannot be simply plugged and erased.

Hope that your week gets better xx

[XOXO13 in reply to FlowerGem115]

Thank you 🤍

You’re right, I think I caught myself off guard when crying to a male doctor about something totally unrelated to why I was there but he was supportive and after a few days on antibiotics for my infections, I feel a little better both mentally and physically.

I’m not with my clinic as these last two pregnancies were natural (tried for a while and then had back to back positive results followed by the miscarriages). But, I used to have fertility therapy and may open that door again as pregnancy announcements from friends are hitting me harder than I thought they would. Xx

[Christianbaby]

Grief is so heavy, and it doesn’t matter that you have your twins—your heart is still hurting from your loss. Losing a baby is an unimaginable pain, and the fact that it’s happening again must be so overwhelming.

Hearing your friend’s news must have been incredibly hard. Even when we’re happy for others, it can bring up so much hurt and what-ifs. It doesn’t make you any less kind or loving to feel that pain. Please don’t feel embarrassed about crying. Our emotions come out when we need to release them.

I hope you’re able to find moments of rest and peace in all of this. Sending loads of strength. xx

[XOXO13 in reply to Christianbaby]

Thank you for your empathy and understanding. That’s exactly how it feels, my heart is hurting and I think with my friends pregnancy, it’s going to be a constant reminder of where I should have been given we’d be just a couple/few weeks a part. That’s the hard bit but I know with time, it’ll get easier or at least I hope it will xx

[Twiglet2]

your feelings are very valid 💔 you e been through a lot and you shouldn’t be embarrassed to cry or show your emotions. It’s no wonder you feel this way and that the news of your friend hurt you as well as it’s all so raw. You are also in the stage where your hormones are all over the place which makes our ‘brave faces’ harder to put on. To me it sounds like you are doing brilliantly and should be incredibly proud of yourself for how you are handling everything and showing your emotions. Sometimes the best thing to do is let them out. Thinking of you 💜 and sending. A big virtual squeeze xx

[XOXO13 in reply to Twiglet2]

Thank you 🥹. I find that when I am home or I’m with my immediate family, I’m okay. My anxiety is settled but the thought of seeing friends is a little overwhelming and I think that’s my insecurity and how I feel about myself that’s the driving reason for that. I can’t really articulate that feeling all too well, it’s just something that really came to the surface after my first loss many years back and now I feel like I’m right back in the thick of it whilst trying for a sibling. I know it’s always a time thing that helps us heal, I’m just impatient and want to feel myself again now! Xx

[StarsAllAround]

Just wanted to say what your feeling is completely valid. I had an early miscarriage a few months back and it really floored me I didn't think it would as I've had losses before and am lucky enough to have my LG from multiple IVF rounds. People around me didn't seem to care this time it's like well you have a child now so it can't be as bad as before so you don't need to be checked on. Which is absolutely not true. I think this made it worse. My brother and his partner also announced there second pregnancy that day after my miscarriage was confirmed. It took me 3 months to be able to see them as I just felt it was so unfair. Try to ignore peoples upsetting comments its not that they don't care its just they don't understand and mean well. There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of crying it's completely understandable after what you have been through. Please be kind to yourself it will get better in time ❤️

[XOXO13 in reply to StarsAllAround]

Totally this… people forget quicker and don’t ask how you’re doing because they assume I’ll move on and forget this ever happened much quicker because I have the twins. But like you said, it’s harder in some respect. And that’s exactly how I feel about my friend, and I feel guilty for that but that was my first thought, it’s unfair. Why did I have to lose my baby and why is it me of my friendship group that has to be the one to lose multiple pregnancies and struggle to conceive. It just feels really unfair and I know that sounds so bitter to admit but it’s just how I feel.

I hope you’re doing okay too. I remember when my sister fell pregnant just as I started IVF and I found that hard too, I had a miscarriage the same weekend as her baby shower and it was all too much. But once my niece came along, I loved her so much and I’m now her godmother.

Sending love too xx

[StarsAllAround in reply to XOXO13]

Hey just checking in to see how your doing? ❤️

[XOXO13 in reply to StarsAllAround]

Hey, thank you. That’s really sweet. Do you know, I thought I was doing absolutely fine but I keep having moments of sadness that usually arise when I’m triggered by something unexpectedly. Like today, I asked a friend about our pregnant friend as I know she’s struggling with her mental health and hadn’t heard from her so was a little worried, and our shared friend said she was going to her gender scan this weekend and was doing okay and It was as simple as that to sting my heart a little. I think it’s the fact our timelines were so close. I think I’m just finding it a little harder than I want all of this to feel and mostly I can go about my day without thinking about it but it just takes one thing to make me wobble and it’s like it’s a rush of big feelings that take me by surprise.

Eurgh, sorry. Word vom. How are you? Xx

[Swimming87]

..just wanted to send love your way x