Hi everyone - I don't post very much on here but find it tremendously helpful and supportive to read and sometimes comment on the stories of others going through similar struggles. Anyway my hubby and I have almost finished what we think will be our 5th and last ivf cycle with my eggs. I'm 41 and have a really low amh, miscarried after our last cycle and had very realistic (i.e. low!) expectations of this cycle so I've managed to stay really calm and on a fairly even keel... until this evening! I've had massive lows in the past, at one point only my husband made it seem worth getting out of bed for.. But I've managed not to get too emotional so far this cycle, wasn't even upset when only one of our seven eggs made a decent embryo. We managed to get this embryo to a not great quality blastocyst and had it transferred. I was surprised we actually got to 5 days!
Then this evening my husband made a comment about my resentment of my bro in law and sis in law (who are having a baby) when I feel I have actually spent weeks making such an enormous effort NOT to be resentful or negative towards them. I admit I've made a couple of comments as they've done some very insensitive things (texting us about scans, sending scan photos, relaying their perfect test results, a photo of my bro in law wearing their new baby carrier) but I have also been happy for my husband that he'll be an uncle and know that they haven't had malicious intentions... Still, it hurts but I've tried to swallow my emotions, so to have my (generally very supportive) husband pull me up on it just really hit a nerve and I've had an almighty crying fit. One little jibe from him and I suddenly feel like a terrible person, a terrible wife, a terrible woman with a terrible reproductive system.
After battling against so many feelings and being pretty darn chirpy throughout the cycle, despite the usual poor results, I kind of feel like giving up now and going to live alone in a frigging Buddhist retreat in Bali where nothing in the world can get me. Why expend so much energy struggling to feel happy-go-lucky when I get pulled up anyway for a couple of comments. To be fair I know my husband is stressed, he has a right to his feelings too and he is wonderfully supportive. I think this was just bad timing, half way through 2ww and no symptoms so I'm in a bad place anyway.. I was just surprised at the sheer force of my misery and hysterical sobbing when I thought I was feeling quite balanced. I have a huge headache now but I guess I'd better not take anything ! Thanks for letting me get this off my chest folks. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.. xx