After over 2years TTC, 4 unsuccessful cycles of letrozole and at bottom of waiting list for my 1 NHS funded round of IVF unexplained infertility has broken me today.
Maybe this is what i needed? To be broken to put myself back together again? Who knows. Ive been sent home from work and told not to go back for the rest of this week to get myself sorted.
How you warriors keep going month after month I just dont know. My energy to fight at the moment feels gone. Infertility is such a lonely place. To be told nothing is wrong seems all the more cruel 😞 sorry all, just needed to vent today xxx
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Sunshine92
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Oh lovely, I am so sorry you feel like this, its so hard isn't it. I have unexplained fertility like you too. I endlessly wish I would just get pregnant 'by mistake' and this would all go away - you read about it all the time... just never happens to me!
Sounds to me like you need a bit of a break. Can you go away - even just for a weekend? Its so all consuming and its so frustrating and unfair and it gradually just eats you up inside. Have you been offered any counselling? I tried it once but didn't really help but trying a new woman today after a bit of a meltdown at my IVF clinic last week. Made me realise I am bottling so much stuff up and I am gradually becoming quite bitter and twisted about everything.
I have said this before on here but the only reason I keep going is that the thought of not having a baby is still worse than all the things I am going through. But even my OH started saying the other day he would admit defeat when it became too much for me and it was my call when that should be - so maybe its edging nearer, but at the moment I am not quite there yet.
Huge huge hugs. There is no solution really, but you sound strong and hopefully you will find some get up and go from somewhere again soon xx
You’re right .. i do need a break! Thats absoutely what i need. I wish i could drop everything and just go 😔 im still paying for last (awful as came on my period and cried the whole time) and i just have no money.
I have just started paying for private counselling, have my second appt this week so im hoping it will help.
Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much when you feel so awful x
Hi Sunshine, It’s okay to vent, you might feel a bit better. For me its 2 and half years and most of the reason is a lot of delay. And with this delay my age factor started playing a role.
Yesterday I went for the scan, the consultant cancelled my cycle and put me on pill and it delayed again for a month now.
I have had those days where I have cried a lot. But got nothing out if it other then more and more BFN.
Now I have understood one thing, if it has to happen, it will happen. But I am going to try everything before I completely stop, so that I don’t have any regrets later.
If you are still in the waiting list, utilise this time in taking the supplements and that might help as well. This is what I am doing now.
Yes you’re right. The delays are awful. Referrals to fertility, then cancelled, waiting for more tests, then more waiting for appts 😕 its agonising.
I’m going to try snd use the time to get myself physically and mentally well .. i really hope I can. Other than spontaneously getting pregnant I cant see a way out of this dark hole at the moment.
Hope this month goes quick for you & your next month you can get going again xx
It's a tough journey and some days will be better than others. Today is a sh*t day. Let it happen, let it pass, wallow in it a little bit even and have a clean start tomorrow.
I can't really tell from the post whether your work is sympathetic in giving you time off or unsympathetic in telling you to pull yourself together!! But either way, you have this time now to focus on yourself without having to pretend everything is ok when it's not. So be kind to yourself. Infertility can be lonely but everyone here understands how you're feeling. We've got your back, feel free to vent xxx
They have been sympathetic .. i offered to take 2 hours of annual leave and finish early and my manager recognised i needed more than that. Took my caseload from me without judgement and told me not to worry about coming in this week. Currently sitting at home wrapped in a blanket having a pity party for 1 crying on and off. I do hope im strong enough to overcome this xx
You poor thing. I think taking some time to be sad is very healthy. It's real, it needs to be attended to like any other wound. You would not try make yourself do a marathon with a broken leg. Your heart is a bit broken now. So take time to let it process the pain and hopefully heal a bit at a time.
Treat yourself the way you would treat someone telling you the things you've told us- with gentle care and understanding.
There does doesn’t there. No you really can’t describe it. All I know is that it’s a horrible feeling. We’re under NHS at the moment you? And definitely. Feeling better after speaking to a few people on here today xx
You had 3 rounds of IUI on NHS? Thats fab. Yeah we’re under NHS. Its just a slow process isnt it? Hard for me as i’m a perfectionist and a worrier.
It definitely helps knowing there’s other people going through this too. Hubby is great, and family are lovely but no-one truely understands how it feels. Are you off work too? x
Yeh three rounds of IUI. We have one round of IVF so I’m praying it works. Yeh such a slow process. The waiting really gets to me. I’m a massive worrier myself. Yeh I agree nobody really gets its except people on here that are going through the same thing. I have no family or friends that have been/are in this position. Yeh I’m off too. It all got a bit much. All I’ve done is cry. Need to pull myself together haha. Is your wait for IVF really long then? Sorry to hear that. xx
Wow thats amazing! I’m in Birmingham and we only get 1 round of IVF, thats it. They estimate a 8ish week wait for funding then approx a 4-6month wait to start after that. They told me likely Jan to start. The waiting is unbearable 😞 i feel like all ive done is wait.
I’m the same too, had no-one that understood, but my temp manager (current one on mat leave) put me in touch with a colleague from another department who has had similar experiences & speaking to her has been really helpful.
Not sure where i keep finding the strength to carry on. I’m exhausted today, want to try and pull myself off the sofa to go swimming or something but i’m on my period.
Take comfort that what your feeling is completely justified, infertility is rubbish. Let yourself grieve, thats what im trying to do xx
I’m in Leicester. So not far from you. Yeh I’ve noticed some ladies on here have upto three rounds on the NHS. I see, we’ve got about a four month wait from now apparently. But it’s always much longer then they initially tell us. Me too! Just a constant waiting game all the time. That’s really good. At least you have someone to talk to at work that understands. We find the strength from somewhere don’t we 😊 Yeh I’m gonna get out for a bit today, even if it’s for a walk. Yeh you’re totally right. Sometimes I feel bad for feeling like this. It’s really strange xx
Hi Sunshine, your story is very similar to mine. Been TTC for 3 years before consultant would see me. Got to see consultant who said that I had PCOS and that I couldn't conceive naturally (wish I knew that 3 years before!) Currently on Letrozole - 4 months in and nothing Don't feel like I have the energy to fight this - 3 years of TTC to get told there wasn't much if any chance - emotionally I was beaten before I started the meds. CCG will cover 1 round of IVF afterwards - I just don't know how much I can put myself through. How some of these brave ladies keep going - I don't know
Wow, its almost identical! I agree with you that i was emotionally beaten before I started Letrozole, although i was convinced it would work for me but it hasn’t 😔
I’m also waiting to start IVF, consultant said it would be about 6months. Always here if you need a rant, just message me xx
I’m sorry you are having such a tough time.
It’s so difficult trying for a baby without success ( yet) it can feel like a dark lonely place.
Not much I can add but I echo what others have suggested taking a break from it ( I had forced breaks due to endo surgeries did me the world of good) counselling can help ( worth a try) try if you can to do nice things for you - treat yourself you matter too ( I know it’s hard in the midst of it all)
It’s okay to have days where you feel like crap unfortunately it’s very normal on this crappy journey.
I went through for 7 years hit many lows. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but when I look at my daughter it was the best thing I done❤️
It will be worth it to have your baby. I’ll keep everything crossed your time is coming soon ❤️
Be kind to yourself take your advicd you’d give others going through this xoxo
Your post is just heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I see myself in your words. Infertility IS a lonely place. Such boards as this one are a great support. But when you face the reality, when you face being infertile in the real world - this is hard. It seems like you're the only one here - infertile and broken. It feels like you're in some sort of vacuum. And you're watching others live and enjoy parenthood. And you're silently struggling... Sorry for this little vent. Last year was awful. After many failures, I decided I need a break. It's been almost a year and I'm glad I made such a decision. I'll have an IVF cycle with donor eggs soon. Hopefully, it will work.
It's nice that you're responding to this message but I just want to make you aware that this message was 5 months ago! Please be cautious of timings as I'm sure people don't constantly want to be reminded of the heartache!! Thanks
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Don't feel like I have the energy to fight this - 3 years of TTC to get told there wasn't much if any chance - emotionally I was beaten before I started the meds. CCG will cover 1 round of IVF afterwards - I just don't know how much I can put myself through. How some of these brave ladies keep going - I don't know 
We finally made it - birth announcement - sensitive 
Thats it - no more mr nice guy....
Anyone else just utterly sick of failing month after month?
**sensitive** BFN - Is it me?!
Mother of a fertility warrior
