Sensitive. I'm a bit lost after mmc and surgical management

[Joeysjourney]

Hello my wonderful forum friends ✨️

Firstly I want to say a huge thanks to you all for rallying round me when i got the news that my first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. I felt so supported and heard by you all, its hard to believe that people I've never met in person can be so kind and provide so much comfort in a time of crisis. I hope and pray I can be so kind in my replies and help you whenever needed.

So as the title says I'm a bit lost. I opted for surgical management after waiting a while for it to happen naturally. Surgical was very straightforward albeit emotionally difficult and I'm glad I chose that in the end although theres no easy way to go through this.

But what now........

At 43 with 5 failed transfers, I have now been given this glimmer of hope. After years of no implantation, all of a sudden it happened, naturally by goodness, with no drugs and stims and steroids and progesterone.

Does this help my prognosis........what exactly does this rule out??

In my last couple cycles I managed one good quality embryo, I mightnt even make it that far next time but my recent experience proves that you only need one!

Do I give my own eggs on more shot??? The mmc has been a sharp reality check on my age. Even if another embryo implanted I'd still face the same 50% chance of miscarriage.

Logically I should move to donor but ivf isn't logical is it? We'd never take the chance on it if we really played the odds.

I do desperately want to get off this horror rollercoaster I've been on for so so many years. I want to have a baby in the fastest way possible. I didn't think about the genetics of the baby at all when I was pregnant, so many I'm placing too much on it and actually donor is the way to go.....

I do have one 2bb in the freezer from my cycle when I was 40. Lowest grade I have produced, so not holding out hope for it but wondering if I should transfer it now while my body is in 'baby mode' after the miscarriage or hold it as my back up as I've done for 3 years and have another Collection.......trying naturally in between as ive only had success naturally.

I do think no matter what, I need a 2nd opinion so planning to get my patient records and speaking to another consultant.

Ughhhhh maybe this just a brain dump. As you can tell I'm a bit all over the place and need your wise words again.

Love to hear from those who moved to donor and what the trigger for that decision was and how youve honestly found it?

Love to hear from anyone at my ripe old age to see if it's worth another go.

And love to hear from any of you who have any pearls of wisdom

Love you all

Joey x

[GranolaHippo]

Gosh, this bit is hard isn't it? The after?

I'm so sorry you're having to go through it. It is unfair.

The best I can offer is to say 'look after your mental and emotional wellbeing'.

I know it can feel like there is no time and no air to do that but, at the end of the day, all we truly have is ourselves. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself some time to grieve and process. I found a counsellor helpful for this, when we got one after our 9th loss.

I think it's super important to give yourself a few weeks to process what has happened. Or to ignore it, if that feels better, and plough into some non-fertility life. Basically a pause is good.

In my experience, being more fertile after loss isn't really a thing. I think it's just something people say. Remember getting pregnant isn't the goal, but growing a healthy baby that you can parent at the end. That means your body needs to be well (I'd say it takes at least as long as you were pregnant to physically heal e.g. 8 weeks if you loss happened at 8 weeks) and longer for the mental and emotional healing.

It is worth having a little pause to do some of this, before jumping back on the rollercoaster, just so you have something left in the tank.

I can offer you hope that, even on days like today, when it definitely doesn't feel like it, you will feel OK again. You will feel like a whole person again and you will feel like a sure person again.

again, sorry you are going through it. It won't suck forever, but it's more than OK to admit and hold space for the fact it really sucks today.

[Gempuddleduck]

Hello lovely. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. What a horrible time you’ve had, please know that I’m sending so much love your way ❤️

We moved onto DE in 2022 after our 5th fresh transfer ended in a TFMR as our little baby had Edward’s Syndrome and was very poorly. This was found at our 12 week scan. I knew at this point that I didn’t want to try with my own eggs anymore. I just wanted a healthy baby. Since then we have had a DE little boy and I’m 31 weeks pregnant with a baby girl from the same batch.

It sounds to me like you feel you could give your own eggs another go? It felt very final to me but not sure it’s like that for everyone.

Not sure if that’s helpful! Our DE worked first time but I know not everyone’s does. I don’t worry about the genetics - both babies feel like ours.

Wishing you lots of love and luck xx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi. All I can suggest is t get your Fallopian tubes checked for blockage or scarring, in case any excess lubrication can only escape into the womb, preventing implantation and development of an embryo. This may already have been done. Your womb has been tidied up and prednisolone will support your immune system, along with progesterone supporting your lining. P then therhaps mention a blood thinner such as low dose soluble aspirin…. and then there’s pineapple core! Seriously though you have been through so much, and I hope you’re surrounded by support. Whatever you decide, I can only wish you well, and maybe a chance is waiting. Diane

[Tnthketnf]

I am sending a big big hug...it is so hard what you've been through...you are very brave.Without any specialist background, in my view the fact that you had a natural pregnancy suggest that some implantation issues aren't a concern? Like microbiome issues for example. Anything that the ERA emma etc tests answer

As for the DE, you know my story. For me the move was more straightforward if it can ever be that, because I had zero Implantation naturally or ivf in all the years I was ttc. So it made sense, right?

I think in a way the DE cycle answered some questions about my OE. So in the 5 OE retrievals I was never told clearly that my eggs are the problem. And I was told under the microscope there wasn't anything obviously wrong.Just comments about my age and the embryo development, indicating issues that could be attributed to the egg but nothing absolutely proven. For the DE cycle we used vials from the same sample my husband froze for our last OE cycle. So same quality, same parameters for sperm in both cycles but different eggs. And the outcomes were more than telling. OE cycle one early blast out of 8 mature eggs, DE cycle 7 top quality full blastocysts out of 10 mature eggs. This helped me feel I made the right decision.

Moving away from OE depends on many factors a lot more than the purely medical/ scientific. It is about money (unfortunately) emotional strength and time.

I moved to DE at 40, husband was 48. And got my first ever positive test at 41.

If for example we had unlimited budget, and my husband was 3-5 years younger I would keep going with OE for more retrievals despite the heartache I felt with the absolute zero after 5 retrievals.

A second opinion sounds like a good idea. Even a third. A lot of the clinics abroad offer a free consultation with no obligation. I would take advantage of that. But also be aware that many clinics promote DE straight away to older women, it helps their success rates and it makes them more money. So maybe an independent consultant not attached to the clinic who knows you are only after an opinion might be more objective

[GranolaHippo in reply to Tnthketnf]

Hello,

Just very briefly to say, in case anyone else stumbles across the thread, all the tests for implantation are still relevant after a miscarriage, as they can be a cause I.e. it implants but not fully.

However, they're normally done after repeat implantation failure or repeat losses and the ERA at least isn't recommend by HFEA as actually led to lower pregnancy rates.

With a single loss it's absolutely galling but it could be down to anything and, statically, most likely down to horrible luck, unfortunately.

Knee deep in the recurrent loss world over here after 10, all naturally conceived, and one implantation failure after PGT-A.

[Kitkat10]

Hi, I’m sorry you are facing this, you have such resilience through such a challenging time.

I was 42 when I moved to DE. I do have an OE son after 3 cycles and then i had another egg collection when he was 10 months old. Despite three apparently ‘top quality’ embryos, which was my best result yet, none of them stuck and the third was a blighted ovum.

I used donor sperm for my son as we have male factor and I only had 3 straws left so this was also a factor as I did not want to lose the only genetic link between siblings.

So after the failed transfers with OE, I just didn’t have much more resilience left and I had DE on my mind as I had thought about them previously given I was 39 when I started IVF.

I really wanted a sibling and I wanted to use the last of my money on the best chance of success. I joined the DCN to link with other ladies in a similar position. I read a book called motherhood reimagined and I had 2 sessions of counselling from the clinic. I thought long and hard about it. I probably spent about 2 months thinking about nothing else and having lots of sleepless nights but gradually I made peace with the end of my OE.

When the first DE transfer took place, I have to say I still wasn’t 100% sure but when I got a BFP and saw my little baby on her 12 week scan, I knew she was the baby I was meant to have.

I had a healthy and straight forward pregnancy and felt total love and adoration for my little girl when she arrived. I don’t regret anything, I wouldn’t change anything. I don’t know what the future holds and I’m sure there will be challenges, but I feel like this was the path that I was meant to take and I feel blessed everyday for the babies I have.

I am very grateful to the donors but I don’t think that much about them, I just see two babies who are both 100% ours. I can relate to how you are feeling and it is a big decision. I didn’t have a natural option or chance because of male factor but the DE option removes the time pressure which might give you a break to see how you feel. Good luck with everything going forward xx

[Doodlebug23]

I went straight to DE at 47 for 3 reasons. 1) to get my goal in which seemed the fastest way with the highest chance of success. 2) to virtually remove the genetic issues using my old eggs and 3) to get onto a refund guarantee programme.

I did ponder trying with OE but the crappy success rates and cost mins of made the decision for me.

I still took me 7 transfers to where I am now with DE so it wasn’t the magic solution I thought it may be.

It’s a personal decision but there’s my brain dump in response. I also had a MMC from natural conception at 38.

[Vassi]

Hi Joeysjourney , I'm so sorry for what you're going through it's so tough and such a hard decision to make. I'm the same age as you and have spent the last 2.5 years trying for a sibling- 5 ec, 10 transfers and a mc. I am struggling to give up on my own eggs and am about to start round 6. In my heart I still feel hopeful it will work and have the same thought process, if it's worked before it can work again. My doc says if my end goal is to have a baby in my arms then I should switch to donor eggs. Had I not had my little boy I would probably be more inclined to do that however i know thats easier said than done. I guess that option will still be there if all else fails. With the embryo you have if it was me I would be transferring it, what if it's the one and you don't need a back up 🙏 I gave all my little embryos a chance and my lowest graded one was the one that stuck. I gave myself short breaks when I needed them and changed clinics when I wasn't happy with the way things were done. I wish I could be more helpful, sending love and hope you can gain some clarity on what's next for you x