Struggling!

[Hopesanddreams1987]

Hi everyone,

So my husband & I had the news yesterday that the reason for his azoospermia is due to Y chromosome microdeletion, & our doctor has said there is probably no point going through the sperm extraction process and ICSI as he very much doubts there’ll be any decent sperm there, and we’d only pass the gene on if we were to have a son.

We half expected to received bad news but I think actually hearing it is very different as at least before there was some hope.

So the sperm donor path and IUI is our next option. Before our appointment yesterday we were both very much open to the sperm donor route. Now we’re faced with it and emotions are so high after receiving the news just yesterday, we’re questioning it all.

We want to raise a child without a doubt. But, if I was to be told that I’d been conceived using a sperm donor & my dad wasn’t genetically mine, I feel I’d want to know more about my biological family, the numerous half siblings that are out there, what my biological father was like etc etc. I feel it’d effect my mental health. Could we possibly put that on to our child’s shoulders?

Or do we never tell them? And then what if they got sick and needed to know paternal medical history or receive treatment that depended on it? Could we lie to our child?

Family have been very encouraging and said genetics aren’t everything and the child will develop so many of my husbands traits just by being raised by him. Their bond will be there from day one undoubtedly. But will it be the same as if it were his very own?

My husband said after our appointment yesterday that he could fill the void for 5-10 years with holidays, hobbies, socialising with friends but then he’d feel a huge void for something he hadn’t done which he has always been longing to do. He’s so paternal compared to a lot of men out there. Seems like a really rubbish twist of fate.

Sorry for going on and on. This is where my head is at today and I needed to vent to clear my head a little. Thanks to those who’ve taken the time to read this, and I hope whatever journey you’re on, you get the outcome you deserve, and happiness xxx

[Hidden]

Hi, I’m so sorry to read this - sending you hugs. Sounds like you have an amazing husband.

If you don’t mind me asking, how did you go about getting those tests for his sperm?

I think if you would be willing to try donor eggs then you should accept donor sperm. It’s still you and your husband’s child regardless of biological factor. I think your love for the precious baby would be the exact same.

Xxxxxxx

[Hopesanddreams1987 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Hidden , thanks for your lovely response. It’s a comfort to hear others opinions, especially the positive words you gave, as it’s so easy to feel negative about the situation at the moment.

We went private at the beginning of March & after 2 sperm analysis showing zero sperm, & a physical examination, my husband had various blood tests to determine why this was happening. They tested his FSH, testosterone, to see if he was a CF carrier & his chromosomes.

All results were normal apart from his chromosome one, which showed his Y chromosomes have a significant piece missing - a genetic defect that couldn’t be helped & can’t be changed!

I hope over the next few weeks we can gain some clarity and opt for the sperm donor, after all it seems to be the only choice we have if we want to have a family.

Thanks again 🙂 xxx

[Hidden]

Hi it’s not an easy decision my partner has said if we couldn’t biologically then that would be it no baby. I’ve had 2 children previously were not going through ivf or anything but have experienced 3 mc. Me on the other hand I don’t think I would have a problem with donor either egg or sperm I would be carrying the baby it would be ours I don’t think it would feel any different.

I was discussing donor with my friend who did one round or ivf and has adopted 3 children is a foster carer, do u tell that child he wasn’t fully biological she said yes they should know from little.

[Hopesanddreams1987 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Hidden , that’s really helpful. I can understand why your partner has said he couldn’t have a child that isn’t biologically his. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriages, I can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through. Are you continuing to try for a family, if you don’t mind me asking?

Our fertility doctor has said that all the counsellors and psychologists heavily advise parents of donor egg/sperm children to be honest with them from a very young age, to avoid psychological issues as they get older. Having thought about it a lot today, I think we would be honest with them as soon as they’re old enough to understand. I think we’re just concerned that it could still affect them. I guess it’s all a gamble and there’ll always be questions going through our head but hoping we can make the right decision soon. Thanks again 🙂 xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hopesanddreams1987]

Hi yes we are trying again possibly our last go it’s physically and emotionally draining hopefully it’ll happen.

I think being honest and making it normal from the start is the best way.

Good luck whatever you decide xx

[Hopesanddreams1987 in reply to Hidden]

Aw I really hope you get the results you deserve, wishing you the best of luck. Thank you so much for your advice. I don’t know what I’d have done if I hadn’t found this forum! Xx

[Kyell2]

I’m so sorry. We are in the same situation (different chromosome issue though) and although I was prepared for the bad news, it was a massive shock.

It’s a lot to think about and not an easy decision to use donor sperm. We are just starting and we still don’t know the answer as to whether we will tell the child about the DS...but we aren’t even pregnant yet and we have lots of time to come up with a plan together.

I would say that if you aren’t sure about what you want to do then limit the number of people you tell about the whole situation. It just gives you a lot more options until you decide your next steps.

Sounds like you have a great husband and I’m sure you’ll make the right choice for you.

Thinking of you xx

[Hopesanddreams1987 in reply to Kyell2]

Hi Kyell2 , thanks so much for you reply. It’s so comforting to know someone else is in a similar situation, although of course I’m so sorry you’re going through it too - I wouldn’t wish it on anyone!

So you’ve both decided to opt for a sperm donor I take it from what you’ve said?

Our fertility doctor said that all the counsellors and psychologists would advise the child to be told from an early age but he said in his opinion, it very much depends on whether you believe your child can cope with that information - every person has different sensitivity levels etc. He hit the nail on the head really. We all live in a much more accepting society nowadays & I know many children who’ve been brought up by a step parent & see them as their true parent, so is that too dis-similar? I think we would end up telling the child if we go ahead with a sperm donor.’ I would want to know if I’d come into the world that way - but I completely understand why some wouldn’t! I don’t think anyone can judge others in what they do or don’t say in such a hard situation like that.

You’re right about limiting those we tell - we have told just some very close family, but have decided no friends need know and neither do the rest of our families.

Can I ask when you are hoping to start your sperm donor journey? Thinking of you and your partner and sending lots of positive vibes! Xxx

[Kyell2 in reply to Hopesanddreams1987]

Yes, we have decided to use a donor...but it took us 18 months after getting the ‘no sperm’ diagnosis to choose a donor and move forward.

We have had 1 failed IUI and we’re starting IVF in the next few weeks.

We were very focused on whether we would tell the child when we first found out but as we have got further into the journey it’s become less of a talking point. We are really just focusing on the getting pregnant part first.

My plan is to introduce to the child that they were an IVF miracle at an early age and then just go with the questions from there, no lies or secrecy but just address the topic as it arises. Don’t know if it that plan will work but every plan we’ve had so far has gone wrong so we’re just going with the flow for now.

You will both find your way, but it’s all so new that you both have a lot to process xx

[Hopesanddreams1987 in reply to Kyell2]

Oh bless you, I really hope IVF is a success for you - which I’m sure it will be. It sounds like you’ve both been on a rollercoaster for quite some time so you deserve a little bundle of joy more than anything. Lots of luck and thanks for your advice. It’s been a big help. I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted when we’re a bit further along in our journey. Xx

[Leesara]

Not an easy decision to make but want to wish you well in whatever path you choose. Your family are right in my opinion, children become like who raises them

[Hopesanddreams1987 in reply to Leesara]

Thanks Leesara , that means a lot. Wishing you well on whatever journey you’re going through as well Xxx

[WannaBMum]

Really sorry to hear that your recent tests didn't work in your favour. It really is devastating to hear that your partner has no sperm and the prospect of using a donor is very daunting.

We took our time to decide on a donor and the counselling session really helped. We made the decision not to tell anyone as we didn't think it was their business but we will tell the child when they were old enough to understand for the reasons you have mentioned in your posts.

Take your time to decide on your next steps and if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me directly.

[Hopesanddreams1987 in reply to WannaBMum]

Thank you WannaBMum , I will probably get in touch over the next few weeks if that’s ok. Going to take the next couple of weeks to absorb everything first but will no doubt have some questions to ask you as you’ve been in a similar situation. Thanks again 😊 Xx