Hello, I am wondering if or how people decided to stop trying to be a mother. We have been trying 4 years. My husband has a child (which we don't see due to parental alienation) so we don't qualify for IVF. We don't have funds for private IVF. No other options but hope but I feel broken now. No one seems to understand.
We can't adopt either as they interview the ex and she hates us (for reasons unknown other than he moved on). So I don't know how to process the thought of never being a mother... Any advice would be appreciated x
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Hoffson
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Hey, don’t give up you are still young! I wish I was 37! I’m in the same boat my partner has kids so no access to funding. Have you looked into access fertility refund programmes? You can finance them and pay monthly. We did a 3 cycle package. If we don’t get a baby at the end we get 50% refund it’s different more refund the younger you are! Have you both had any tests?
It was Gaia and another one I can't remember, began with an F I think. I feel like it was Florina or something! I'm on black cohosh but I'm just exhausted from feeling like this now
Have a look at our website fertilitynetworkuk.org for information on all fertility issues Maybe you could both need a bit of support so take a look at Access to Support and follow the prompts to join either UK-Wide or Regional Support Group
I read a book called Living a life unexpected - which is a book about being childless but not by choice. It really helped me prepare in case I ended up without a child x
So sorry to hear this - absolutely heart breaking. Xx I hope you are okay xX Tough journey for anyone on here - big hugs and appreciation to you all xx
I am 42. My partner has got child from previous relationship and we qualified for nhs cycle anyway. Well first they refused but we emailed nhs in our town and complained... Cos I am without child. Now we are doing private. 2 cycles. You can pay monthly in every clinic most off.
We used to have 3 jobs to save.. now I've got 1 and partner is working still every day for now. Then we will see... or abroad is a bit cheaper when you buy embryo....
So sorry for what you are going through, I can feel your pain in your writing.
I think you need to go somewhere alone for a few days and have the most honest conversation with yourself you ever had. Can you picture yourself not being a mother? Will you resent your husband for his role in this (it might not be his fault ex is vengeful and especially not that he already has a child but it ultimately all this impacts your life too)? Are you the type of person that can only find peace after knowing that you did absolutely everything in your power to achieve your goal?
Harsh truth is that you need to think about your options outside your current relationship if you think that having a baby is your biggest goal. Not that that guarantees you anything. So the risk is huge.
I don’t know you or your husband and I am not writing this to begin mean. However I have closely observed three similar situations with my parents friends when I was younger. None ended well for the woman. Two men left at the age of 50, had babies with new partners. According to them they left their wives because they were “bitter for being childless”. Third couple is now about 65. They hate each other but can’t afford to divorce. In my close friend group we had two couples with unexplained infertility. Both broke up. In one case they now both have children with new partners, they are 43. In the other case no one has children. I have no idea if they regret separating. My parents also had infertility issues. They chose to become foster parents. Maybe that is an option for you two?
Sorry for the long reply. But think hard. Not about tomorrow. About life after 20 years.
I'm so sorry for all you're going through. In regards to adoption, I would speak to the adoption agencies about your partners ex as there must be other people in a similar situation with an ex being difficult. Wishing you all the best. Xxx
Keep trying. If you give up you will never succeed. I know it’s hard. I’ve been through multiple losses and my husband and I tried for 8 years before it happened for us. It’s Gods timing. Don’t get discouraged. Pray, Believe, and Trust it’ll happen for you.
I started trying at 40 and decided to take a break after a traumatic experience at a private clinic in central London where they made a huge mistake and turned all nasty against us. We felt drained emotionally and financially about IVF.
I thought we'd start treatments again, but we never did. We are still trying naturally. I've read a lot about ''child-free'' to prepare myself.
It feels painful sometimes but I know I am gradually coming to terms. I think perhaps don't push yourself either way. Follow your instinct. You will be fine in the end. xx
That sounds really hard Hoffson - I saw that someone here below successfully challenged their local nhs provider about not allowing IVF on the nhs. It doesn't seem fair given that you've never had any before. As lots of people have said, you are still young and it may well be worth also trying with a sperm donor to see if that works. Maybe therapy might help you both to come to terms with it - anecdotally there are often stories of people who bizarrely fall pregnant just as soon as they've given up hope and stopped really 'trying'. Maybe give it another few years perhaps if you think you can, try different options.
My advice for what it's worth would probably be to keep trying and exploring all avenues, but just maybe without putting yourself under so much pressure. You could always go back to the NHS and tell them that you and your partner have now separated and that you're a single woman trying for a child with a donor; you may be eligible for help then, I don't know. In the end, only you can decide when it's the right time to stop 'trying' - it's incredibly hard - but in any case counselling or therapy of some sort is always going to be useful to help deal with all the emotions and stress it is causing you, and which may be one of the things that's been preventing you from getting pregnant so far.
If you don't have a child later on you can always become a long-term foster carer, which is not quite like adoption but on the plus side you do get a lot more support provided for you (!) than with adoption; there are actually significant advantages to doing foster care over adoption (I have friends who have done both). Good luck and stay strong - you are whole and fantastic just the way you are. To quote from Desiderata, one of my favourite poems: "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." desiderata.com/desiderata.html
I was also told this by a NHS doctor a few years ago only to be told a few years later that I can have 3 rounds of IVF on the NHS as the rules changed. My partner has a son from a previous marriage but I had no children.
Luckily for us our 3rd round of IVF worked and we now have a beautiful baby girl.
I am sorry to hear this, we're in a similar situation and can't get funding for IVF. I would suggest to read The Fertility Plan if you haven't already, it focuses on conceiving naturally written by a famous fertility doctor. There are lots of tests you can do that can possibly explain and also treat 'unexplained' infertility. Good luck 😊
Sorry to hear about your situation it is so stressfull. Please also don't give up, I'd also recommend you don't give up the exploration of adoption- they understand about ex-partners and will speak to others in the support network for that time also. Be honest from the start and I'm sure they will make it work!
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