Are there Catholics who are pissed of with IVF is sin conversations and 'have you ever thought about adoption' questions?
Those who have already 6 kids and 15 grandchildren find it easy to judge and never understand what it means not having a biological child of your own. Neither understanding that infertility is a disability.
My husband and I are wondering how you are dealing with people's judgements.
hi, I’m not catholic but my own mum suggested adoption when I was going through IVF. She couldn’t relate to what I was going through and certainly couldn’t understand it.
I ignored her comment, persevered and finally got my baby. It’s not that I wouldn’t consider adoption, I think it’s a wonderful thing but I also felt like I still had a chance to carry a baby and while I had that chance I wanted to chase it.
I started IVF in 2020 so I feel a bit more immune these days to people’s insensitive comments. I try and pick a subject I know nothing about and feel how empty my mind is on that particular topic and then realise this is how people who haven’t experienced IVF would feel when they come across the topic with either a colleague or a friend. When I faced insensitive comments, I tried to just let them pass me by. It’s rough on top of an already rough process. It’s really hard, if you can, just keep your focus on your journey and try not to let unhelpful comments take up your energy. Xx
Thank you so much for sharing this ♥️🙏 how difficult to hear the same from your mom too. Not feeling understood is so hard. Sometimes my husband and I feel so lonely. Great that you had your own baby finally ♥️ quitter never wins, winner never quits. We shall continue..
Hi, I'm 36 weeks pregnant today and my partner's mum is very Catholic and was very unhappy we went through ivf, we told her that it's not fair that people should miss out on having a family because of people's beliefs, my partner and I believe in God but we are not Catholic, she learnt to accept it and is now happy and very excited to be expecting her first grandson in 3 weeks as I'm getting induced at 39 weeks, I know it's hard when people judge like that and it really hurts but you and your partner have the right to have a family like everyone else, they will have to learn to accept it like my mother in law did, I wish you all the best
Thank you for these supportive words. I wish you a healthy and easy delivery 🙏
Your very welcome and thank you I appreciate it🙂
my mums entire family is Catholic (she is one of 12 and I have over 30 cousins, most of which still live within a mile of where we grew up and we are all really close). The standard used to be don’t live together until married, find a good catholic boy, dont have kids until married. You know all that ‘perfect’ made up nonsense of what life had to be. I broke that mould in many ways 😂
As a gay women I already learned to stick the middle finger up to all that crap and any judgement (I’m no longer religious but I don’t mean to religion as I respect others beliefs, I mean to my families judgements and pressure of what is ‘right’) and after a few comments at first my family accepted me and my now wife (we have been together for 17 years now) but about 10 years ago when my godmother begged my older cousin and his husband (we came out together at the same time about 20 years ago to support each other 🤣) not to have kids via a surrogate or adoption when they started thinking about it I thought I would be in for some comments and judgements when we started trying so I told none of them, not even my mum (for different reasons though she is very different from her siblings). Some asked if we were going to have kids (which I actually thought was nice at first that they were open to that until we were trying and then it became hard to answer) we just said ‘not sure, not right now’. It is no-ones business when/how/if you have kids so I just wouldn’t share any info with them and make it clear that their questions are insensitive. Distance yourself if you need to. I stopped going to christenings as I found them to hard to deal with emotionally and typically when people started to overstep with questions to everyone about children.
Now that my wee boy is here my whole family have been amazing, especially my god mother who makes a special effort to see him when she visits from America. My cousin and his husband have adopted 3 boys (one with some additional needs that they are bringing him on so well) and those kids are as loved and accepted by the entire family too, if not more given their start in life. People have opinions no matter what religion they are about things they don’t understand, have never experienced or are none of their business so just don’t talk to them about it, you owe them no explanation or justification about your choices or journey. It won’t make any difference once your miracle is here, whatever path you go down to make that happen xx
I have a bit of the opposite problem, with my mum saying if I adopted she didn’t think that I could love them like I would my “own child” and she certainly wouldn’t feel like a grandmother to an adopted child, which I found very sad. So she was over the top supportive of IVF, and kept pushing us, which I didn’t enjoy in terms of pressure. In the end we have been successful after many miscarriages and expecting our miracle to arrive later this week, but I still think about if we hadn’t and went down the adoption route which I considered many times, how disappointed she would have been. I think like a lot of people have said it’s really hard for people to step out of their own zone and just support what you want, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you but it’s certainly exhausting at times. It sounds like your husband is totally behind you which is exactly what you need, and having this with my husband definitely got me through the harder conversations when I thought I would snap! Best of luck with everything, sending lots of love xx
Thank you for sharing your story ♥️ I pray for your healthy and easy delivery 🙏
My family is Catholic. We haven't ever told anyone about IVF so haven't had to have the conversation, so that's one option of you kust don't tell them or don't discuss it? But also I'm sure they've spoken about plenty of friends and family having infertility and IVF and it's been more sadness at infertility and then how good it is they've had treatment and had a child etc, so maybe they're more relaxed catholics. Forgive my ignorance, but what's the particular issue or 'sin' with it? Maybe I'm being naive but I would hope that no matter anyone's immediate views on IVF, when there's an actual baby, all that sort of fades into the background because its no different to any other.
We also think that we should keep our mouth open and don't tell anyone, but on the other hand my husband and I have no parents or siblings, our closest family is the church family and we don't have any other support. We feel like we want to share our suffering with a few people, but some people (even the priest) are easy to judge what they don't know and can't understand. It is too lonely journey for us. Thank you for your response. I appreciate your support.
Hello,
Yes we've had our fair share of judgement from my husbands side who are practicing jehovahs witnesses.
Back in 2015, my husband had the awful news after his surgical sperm retrieval that he has no viable sperm and our only option was to use donor sperm, adopt or do nothing. We took 2 years out after that consultation to think things through and not doing anything on our Fertility journey. It was hard for my husband to come to terms with all this too so we didn't want to rush any decision. But two years later, when I reached 37 years old, I just knew we had to make decisions and we both agreed to pursue the donor sperm route. We wanted to be completely open and honest with our families and as you can imagine at that time didn't go well with my husbands family. My mum (practicing catholic) and dad (agnostic/athiest/doesn't go to church) on the other hand were super supportive.
When we boached the subject with my in-laws we had a lot of difficult conversations as it didn't follow any bible principles they believed in. They even wrote a letter to the governing body to ask advice and "elders" came round to speak with my husband (who was active at the time). But they concluded in the end that because I'm not a practicing JW then there's was nothing they can do to stop me. Ha. Some of the things they said about me was very hurtful along the lines of not being faithful to my husband. But that is water under the bridge now and want to have a good relationship with my in-laws.
7 years on they're accepting of our treatment and our decision to pursue Fertility treatment with donor sperm. On my last miscarriage my MIL even cried! So I think deep down they'd love grandkids even if we're going about it in a non-conventuonal way. My husband is an only child, so they don't have any other grandkids. We haven't so far been lucky to have a live birth yet, but we are coming up to 7 weeks scan for our last and final embaby.
Although difficult, it's been the best decision to be open and honest and my advice is don't let other people's judgements stop your dreams.
Best of luck x
Thank you for sharing your story. That is encouraging.
I'm not catholic, but this a common issue with other religions as well. My family is aware that we were doing IVF as i had 3 miscarriages naturally. They were accepting of the idea and happy to support us. And i just gave birth to my daughter 3 weeks ago after 3+ years of treatment. My last chance. However, we never told my in-laws side for which I'm glad. The have made comments about other people and babies born via ivf that were just uneducated even through they are far more educated than my family. Honestly, i don't think they would have accepted an ivf child or an adopted child had i gone that rought. They LOVE there granddaughter and are already asking when we'll have another, but they don't know she is lily the one and only. Ivf was rough on me and my husband and i don't think he wants to do it again. His happy with just our daughter.
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